4 Steps to Making a “List” of Your Future Spouse and How We Always Do It Wrong

swan dating ducks
With a spouse, I don’t want someone to be the wind beneath my wings (nor vice versa), but rather, I want someone to fly with me. That sounds nice, but what does that actually mean, on a human day-to-day level?


To help me answer that, I came up with 4 steps to make a list of what attributes I want in my future spouse.


BUT before we get into making a list, there are two stories that are absolutely critical to read.




I have a friend who was dating this guy.


She really liked him, but couldn’t quite figure out if it was worth going to the next level, so she wrote out a list of pro’s and con’s. There were some really good things about him, but just some stuff that bugged her too.


If only he could change these things,’ she thought.


Then, she took the list to the Lord in prayer to find out what else she might be missing. She felt prompted to open up her scriptures to a random verse and what she read hit her right between the eyes.


“Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?…Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).


Bam. #GodSlap




I recently had my buddy write out all of the things he wanted in a wife. After reciting a long list, I read it back to him and he nodded in agreement.


Then I asked him if that list described him.


He didn’t even need to think about it.


The answer was no.


The 4 Steps:


You might be like me, when, after reading these stories, could give a tisk*tisk finger wag and think of a few friends who should read this post.


But I would encourage you to fight against the urge of thinking of others and take a fresh batch of humble pie to realize that so often in life, we underestimate others while overestimating ourselves. We find the fallible in others and excuse the errors in ourselves by feigning good intentions without giving the benefit of the doubt to others.


Is it wrong to make a list? NO!


But make sure you include all these steps:


  1. Think of the people you wish you could have married/dated and think about what you respected most about them. Write it down.
  2. Think of your ex’s and why you broke up. Write down the opposite.
  3. Choose ONLY 5 must-have’s and 5 nice-to-have’s. Put the others aside for review later.
  4. Make those attributes your personal goals.


So today, make a list and check it twice…but make sure the second time is for yourself.


For remember, you don’t attract a swan by looking like a duck.




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