Who Has It Harder in Dating: Guys or Girls? 4 Arguments and Remedies

dating matches


I was talking to a few of my friends on the way to Japan from Beijing (had some down time en route…like a lot) about whether dating is harder for guys or girls.


Who gets the short stick in this game of sparks we call dating?

4 Reasons it is Harder for Guys and what Girls Should do to Help:

  1. Guys have to make the first move and put themselves out there emotionally without any agreement of reciprocity.
    • So girls, make yourself a little more available if you’re intersted.
  2. Guys have to pay for dates. While girls get free dinner, guys get to use a few hours of their pay to fund it. I’ve calculated my total dating expenses once…and never have again.
    • So girls, express gratitude.
  3. Guys have to plan dates that are fun, but not too fun so that they fall in love with the date and not them.
    • So girls, if there is something you’d really like to do, throw out a few suggestions in the planning or pre-planning phase.
  4. Guys have to follow up and guess if the girl likes him with being confident, but not too pushy. Tough balance.
    • So girls, send a post date text and tell them that you’d love to see them again.


4 Reasons it is Harder for Girls and what Guys Should do to Help:

  1. Girls have to wait for a guy to ask them out (granted, they CAN do the right things to get asked out…but no one seems to take that advice.)
    • So guys, stop being obtuse. Take the plunge if you think you’re getting the signs.
  2. Girls have to suffer through dates they don’t want to be on. Can you imagine spending your time with someone who is painfully dull? (granted, some people call that alone time…)
    • So guys, have questions that will help you get to know them and stop talking about yourself. Read how to Win Friends and Influence People more and your last year’s birthday comments less.
  3. Girls have to have a date paid for by a guy they will never want to see again.
    • So guys, don’t take first dates to elaborate and expensive activities. It is awkward.
  4. Girls have to reject guys.
    • So guys, don’t take it personally. Know that it is okay when you are rejected. It doesn’t mean that you are terrible, but that it just isn’t going to work out. Be cool about it and maybe her mind will eventually change…but don’t count on it.


So in the end, I don’t really think it matters who it is harder for. (Why yes, that is a dangling preposition, thanks for noticing)


Each gender plays their own role in creating this very difficult thing we call dating. What that means is that we should all seek to be a little kinder and a touchmore understanding. We’re all in this dating boat together, so date selflessly.


Ask yourself if what you are doing is making dating harder for the other person and let’s stop worrying so much about ourselves. It is good to practice this selfless thing now anyway, for I have, on really good authority mind you, that this perspective of charity will make for a great marriage (Gordon B Hinckley, “The Women in Our Lives,” Oct General Conference 2004).


Just because it “Works” Doesn’t Make it Right — GUEST POST by @zandersays

good guy bad boy

One of the best parts of blogging: the comments. Zander Jensen from www.zandersays.com and @zandersays commented regarding the post about “good guys,” “bad boys,” and the woes of women regarding each. Some comments must be shared in special ways. Zander’s is usually one of them.


————-the magic below————–


On why is it sometimes it pays to be a jerk, and why you shouldn’t be one anyway.


*I wrote this as a response to Zack’s Post here* (here is the link to the post)


When it comes to the “Nice Guy”/”Jerk” scenario, it really is so much more complicated than you can summarize in 300 words (I did my best and this is like 500). But hey, I’ll give it a shot. (For the record, a “bad boy” is different than a “jerk”, though not mutually exclusive)


Everyone knows that confidence is attractive, that’s dating 101, and a wide polling of women would suggest that there is a certain sexiness to a guy who knows what and goes after what he wants; conversely it is rather easy to cross over the line and come on too strong. In which case you “knowing what you want” becomes your downfall.


Let me break it down. If you are interested in someone, then when they perform a confident or romantic gesture toward you, it is not only welcome but incredibly attractive. If on the other hand you are not attracted to said person, the gesture at best is considered “sweet”, but more likely to come across as desperate and creepy.


The “Jerk” dynamic is best explained by the fact that the “jerk” doesn’t mind making his interest known in a very obvious way, while at the same time not caring what the outcome is. If he texts a girl and receives no response, he doesn’t mind, he’s probably talking to other girls, he’s moved on before he even noticed she hasn’t texted back. There is no double or even a *cringe* triple text, because frankly he doesn’t care.


I have read, and talked, about this subject ad nauseam. I could go on and on about how people love to go after what they can’t have, or how confidence plus mystery added to the thrill of “the chase” make for a dangerous (but admittedly fun) cocktail. Then there is the tyranny of choice, instant gratification, and a million other concepts.


But I won’t, because honestly it doesn’t matter. Knowing you have cancer is much different than curing it.


My advice for those who consider themselves to be a “nice guy”?


Stop telling yourself that you’re going to finish last, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and only self-defeating.


Next, stop complaining (no seriously, stop it) and be confident (fake it if you have to), be persistent (go after what you want), and most importantly be patient. Focus on something besides girls. Hobbies, passions and interests, fill your life so when you text that girl you aren’t sweating bullets waiting for the text back, instead you’re doing you.


And last, don’t date a girl that needs you to ignore her in order for her to be interested in you. Why would you want to date someone like that anyway (be confident remember)?

Girls Go for “Bad Boys” because “Good Guys” are Idiots

good guy bad boy


“Girls never give us ‘good guys’ a chance and always end up with those ‘bad boys’…ugh!”


If this is something some half man has said to you, perhaps this is a good opportunity to share it with them…because you love them.


If that is something you have said. For shame.


An attractive Asian dancer friend of mine shed some light on why she doesn’t ever seem to be with the “good guys,” much to her chagrin.


To understand why girls end up with “bad boys” and “good guys” are left confused, we must first understand how attraction with men and women works.


Women love on a spectrum. Men don’t.


Men love on a point.


Meaning that when a woman meets a man, that man can increase or decrease in attractiveness quite significantly based on personality, connection and the phase of the moon.


Men have a hard time really understanding this because they meet a woman and she pretty much stays the same attractiveness level, regardless of other factors.


Now, two of the MAIN factors in a woman finding a man attractive are 1) his confidence and 2) his interest shown in them.


And therein lies the problem of girls often liking the “bad boys.”


See the “good guys” are timid, humble and rarely assume that an attractive girl is interested in little ol’ them. The flirting of the female variety is confused for just being kind.


The “bad boys” are arrogant, pretentious and can’t fathom that an attractive girl isn’t interested in the awesomeness that is them. Even the spurns of an attractive woman are interpreted as unapologetically borderline obsession.


And while slightly annoying, the “bad boys” are, in the end, both persistent and flattering. And if the “bad boys” think so highly of themselves, the women think, maybe, just maybe, there is something there they should like too. Not to mention that confidence usually plays out in a successful career (albeit an affair or two, but that is a couple kids away).


Basically it isn’t that my Asian dancer friend goes after “bad boys,” but rather that “good guys” won’t grow a pair (of eyes to see a great opportunity).




Ladies…you will have to ‘put yourselves out’ there if you want a “good guy”–it may be tough, but it sure is better than just ‘putting out’ to the “bad boys.”


“Good guys”…come on man. Just take a leap of faith and realize that in the end, the girl really want you. But wants you as a man, not a puppy.


“Bad boys”…well played. Well played indeed. But don’t worry, when you make your money, put on 50lb and are on your third marriage, you’ll be calling a “good guy” for life advice. You can keep your hot and shallow because the “good guys” will eventually end up with the attractive Asian.


 UPDATE: I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the “Asian” thing. No, I’m not racist, making stereotypes or anything like that. This is a theory, on which my friend enlightened me, who happens to be an Asian who is super cute and with whom I go dancing…hance, “attractive Asian dancer friend.”  All other misrepresentations I’ll let stand. Semi-serious satire always seems to stir the soup.

Three Symptoms and Remedies of Post-BreakUp Loneliness

lonliness break up

The days and weeks after a breakup can be confusing, frustrating and depressing. The pangs of loneliness lead your little lost heart to a land that ranges from unhealthy to introspective…namely, missing.


But what kind of missing is it, really? The misdiagnosis of loneliness had resulted in dire side effects such as contracting desperateness or being contaminated with douchitis.


After years of observations, I’ve tried to take an outside, sterile and semi-scientific (not at all scientific) perspective by removing all emotions (impossible) to analyze a breakup, both from primary, secondary and Nicolas Sparks. The current hypothesis: there are three types of “missing,” or loneliness, and it is CRITICAL that we do not confuse the three to appropriately treat the ailment.


1) Loneliness because you miss the friendship


Symptoms: Typically a flavor of loneliness found in the female variety. The male is easy to adapt and move on. Females will often call the males through private messages, usually to just “chat” when they are driving home or doing their laundry. Males consider this “torture.” After a certain amount of time, it appears the relationship loses its excitement and moves into a comfortable rhythm. It is at this point that a breakup occurs, leaving the party who initiated the “time apart” to feel like they just lost a friend…because they did. And they need to deal with that and not drag people along.


Remedies: It is prescribed that males go to the movies, do not reach out and find someone else. Females…just remember, sometimes the meanest thing you can be is nice.


2) Loneliness because you miss A relationship


Symptoms: Both genders of humans tend to desire to be loved. It is a foreign concept that often has roots in “daddy-issues.” There is a comfort and security that is craved, so after a breakup, both males and females will begin to call old flings and those they had on their proverbial “back burner even though they said they had ‘eyes for no one else, baby.'”


Remedies: Go kiss someone. Anyone will do. The dosage will depend on how much the severity of pain within the chest cavity, but typically one to two doses of a light NCMO or “summer loving,” as it is often called, within one week of the emotional trauma will aid in the healing process. (…and then go get in touch with yourself because you need to learn how to be good with being just you before you can be a good you+1)



3) Loneliness because you miss THAT relationship


Symptoms: Measured by a frequent glossy-eyed look typical in crying, sad contemplation or pent up frustration. This can be the source of listening to “your song,” the desire to contact the other party, looking at their profile on Facebook to see if they are hanging out with that ratchet you are sure they like, and/or hoping that every time that stupid blinkey light is flashing on your phone it is some form of communication from them.


Remedies: Inconclusive… (other than disabling that stupid little blinkey thing.)



In the final analysis, it has been determined that looking for alternative methods of human companionship, limiting contact and genuinely hoping the best for the other party are the only ways to establish an environment to allow the next relationsperiment to germinate properly.






Difference of Attractions – Why Men and Women Go to the Gym

Guys and Girls attractionMen find women attractive on a point.

Women find men attractive on a spectrum.


For the purposes of this post, I’m going to use the archaic 10-point system (NOT the 3-point system used by a stalker, but like 1-10 attractiveness scale).


Here’s how it works:


If a guy sees a girl and thinks she is a solid 8, that is usually where she stays. She could be suuuuper sweet and nice and spiritual and intelligent and that might kick her up to an 8.5. She could be CRAY-CRAY and that would bump her down to a 7.5. (#herecomesatangent I used to think that 1/3 of all women were crazy, then I started dating more and more of them and realized that all women are crazy…1/3 of the time. So I no longer look for a non-crazy, but the matter is the flavor of women crazy that works with the level of the guy stupid (because yeah…100% of guys are stupid)) So men find women attractive on a point. 


Now for women…oh no. This is where things get interesting. When a woman meets a man, she may rate him say, a 7–but some women won’t even rate a guy at all in the beginning! They will just some-magical-how suspend rating until more data has been collected. Then, when she does decide that he is a 7, that is just an anchor of a range. The algorithm that goes into the REAL number has been studied by men the ages over, but is yet undiscovered. It could be the time of the month, the weather, the day, the things the guy just said/did/wore/wrote/posted/texted, her work schedule, her hair, her roommates and on and on. So that 7 could be a 2 or a 9 on any given day at any given TIME of the day. (Now there is one exception, and that is a man in a well tailored suit…but that is for another topic. Seriously though, if any of you men are looking for a suit…I’ve got a guy.) Hence, women find men attractive on a spectrum.

Make up Gym Girl

This point-spectrum phenomenon, in fact, explains why guys and girls go to the gym. Girls are smart and know how guys think, so they always want to try to look good and be fit. Guys just think that girls think like them, so they want to look good.


Unfortunately, for the girls that matter, looks don’t.  #secondtangent


So what does that mean for all of us?


Well for girls, it means you just do you and let the guy fall into the right place.

For guys…it means good luck and get humble–because if you’re a 9, no one knows how you got there and you probably won’t be there for long.


But in the end, we need to remember that in the process of finding love we look for our 10’s by finding our 7’s and making them our 1.


[subscribe2]Monkey in Gym