3 Simple Rules for Chasing Your Dreams – Byron Van Pelt Guest Post

Byron Van Pelt Bowl of oates


Byron Van Pelt and I met at a Tony Robbins seminar where we happened to be sitting next to each other. He is a life coach, energetic, and an amazing guy to talk to! I was so impressed with him that I had him write a guest post and this is one of my favorite articles on inspiration I have ever read.


It has made me a better person and I’m grateful to be able to share this post.





Zack’s latest post “You Don’t Have to Do Anything” inspired me to write about going after our dreams.


Most people tend to ask me how I ended up becoming a life coach – and what it took for me to “live my dream” full time.


So I wanted to address that here. And more importantly, I wanted to empower you with some ideas on truly creating life on your terms.


If you’ve ever wanted to learn how to pursue your goals until they become your reality, this is for you.


These are my three simple rules for chasing your dreams.



Rule 1: Get Specific or Forget About it


For the LONGEST time I just wanted to quit my job.


It wasn’t because I had to wakeup at six in the morning every day.

It wasn’t because I had to sell car warranties over the phone on a “one call close.”

And it wasn’t because the commute was a pain in the neck.


I wanted to quit my job because my dreams were bigger than that position.


(I have zero ill will toward that company by the way – I worked with some truly awesome people).


I knew I wanted to make more money, to help more people, to use my talents to give value on a larger scale. But I hadn’t FULLY contemplated the exact future I wanted to create.


I later realized directing all of my thoughts to “leaving the job” was the very thing keeping me there.


Think about it like this:


Imagine boarding a 747 in New York traveling to Los Angeles. Picture yourself sitting in first class close enough to overhear the pilots before taking off.


Before they close the cabin doors, you hear the captain say, “Here’s my strategy for getting us to Los Angeles: I’m just going to try to get as far away from New York City as I can. I figure the more I get away from New York, the closer we’ll get to LA. Hopefully everything else just works out.”


How confident would you be in getting to your destination?


The reason I wasn’t able to make traction toward my dreams was because I lacked specificity.


Just like how you can’t expect to get from New York to Los Angeles by simply “getting out of the city” you can’t expect to achieve your dreams by “getting out” of your current situation.


How often have you heard someone say:


“I just want to get out of debt.”

“I just need to get out of this relationship.”

Or “I just need to get out of this job.”


Sound familiar?


The mistake many people make (myself included) is that we try to fly to our dreams by moving away from our current situation.


And this means we’ll NEVER get to chase down the dream because we don’t even know what we want.


So the key is to get extremely clear, laser-focused, and specific when it comes to nailing down what we want. Anything less than absolute precision won’t generate the actions necessary to move us toward our desired future.


Here’s a quick exercise. Take out pen and paper for this one.


Start by asking, “What do I want? Where do I want to be in one year? Three years? Ten years?”


Once you’re done, you’re already more likely to achieve your dreams than 97% of America (According to Brian Tracy, only 3% of Americans have written goals). But it’s only a start.


Now we need to crank up the clarity and specificity. Because knowing that we’re just flying to Los Angeles isn’t good enough. We have to know the exact location of the airport and the runway we’ll be landing on too.


So back to the pen and paper. Answer these questions:


What specifically do I want?”

When specifically do I want it?”

Who specifically is involved with this dream?”

Where specifically does my dream take place?”

Why specifically do I want it?”

How specifically am I going to obtain it?”


The reason why these questions are so powerful is because “to specify” literally means to “decide definitely.”


As Goethe famously said,


“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.”


Clarity is real power.


Having a detailed vision for the future you want to create is akin to having Google maps for the mind. You might make a few wrong turns, you may be off course for a bit, but your guidance system keeps you on track.


And with a focused guidance system, you EXPECT to get there. This expectation fuels your desire to keep moving forward.


I started making real, tangible progress toward my dreams once I created a detailed picture of what I wanted. And I began adding more details to it over time so that this picture grew from a 2D image into a fully fleshed out 3D reality.


And I would spend at least twenty to thirty minutes a day in this reality. I could SEE the view from my backyard looking out over the water. I could FEEL the warmth from the cup in my hands and TASTE the coffee in my mouth.


Once I knew exactly where I wanted to go and what that reality was going to be like, I began taking radically different actions.


These specific actions are what allowed me to gain enough momentum to eventually quit my job and live my dreams full time.


I did this by methodically building up my life and business coaching client base until I was able to fully replace my income.


You can (and will) do the exact same thing with your dreams if you get so clear as to what you want that you can taste, touch, hear, see, and smell it.



Rule 2: Speed of Implementation


Let me ask you a quick question just for fun:
What was the last self-help/personal growth book you read?


Got it?


Now answer this:


What was your biggest takeaway or key insight? What was the single most important idea you got from reading it?


A little more difficult – I’ll give you a second.


Now answer this:


How did you IMPLEMENT this insight into your life? How did you take that idea and use it to CHANGE what you do on a daily basis?


If you have an answer, you get the gold star. And if you don’t, no worries!


What you’re about to learn is essentially the single most important rule to get you closer to your dreams than just about anything else could.


If you’re like me, then you probably read lots of inspirational blogs, listen to empowering podcasts, read enriching books, and spend a good chunk of your free time “learning” new things.


I did this constantly (and still do). But I would rarely implement much of anything.


I would finish a great book and think, ‘Hmm. Great book. That was so helpful!’ And I would reflect on it for a while. But then I was onto the next book.


I would never DO anything differently in my life.


As I started to become more aware of this, I would go back and read these books again. And then I would start to SLOWLY make changes.


Yet my life wasn’t looking very different.
What was going on? I KNEW all of this incredible information. I had read so many dang books! And yet I wasn’t growing.


Why not?


Learning is NOT gathering new ideas and storing them in the mind.
Learning is NOT memorizing new concepts.

Learning is NOT studying new information.


I realized until I actually shifted what I was DOING in my day to day life, I hadn’t actually learned anything.


Once I made this discovery, I went about the process of “learning” in an entirely different way. Instead of simply taking notes, I started asking, “How can this new idea translate to an action step? When can I install this in my life?”


And I started LEARNING a whole lot more because I was DOING a whole lot more.


To take it up a notch, I then began asking myself, “How can I take this new insight and install it into my life as a HABIT?”


And that’s when my reality started changing dramatically.


My friends would ask me “What was your key takeaway from that book you just read?”


And I would answer, “On Monday morning I’m making twenty phone calls before lunch.”


They would invariably give me a confused glance and say something like, “OK great. But what did you learn from the book?”


I would smile and say, “Before reading that book, I wasn’t in the habit of making twenty calls before lunch. Now that I’m aware of it, I’m going to do it.”


As one of my personal heroes, Eben Pagan, boils it down: “LEARNING is CHANGING your BEHAVIOR.”




So if you want to really make tangible progress toward your dream, implement new ideas into your life.


If you want to REALLY REALLY REALLY make progress toward your dream, implement new ideas into your life IMMEDIATELY.


SPEED matters because the longer we wait to create a change in behavior, the less likely we are to do it.


One of the biggest obstacles I see stopping my clients from getting what they want is “Death by Planning.”


They mistakenly believe they have to research everything there is to know about a particular area before taking action toward it.


They say things like, “That way I’ll know what I’m doing.”


But they don’t end up taking enough action and their momentum dies very quickly.


I get it – I used to be the same way. I was hesitant to start anything until I at least had some kind of game plan. That totally makes sense.


But I suggest going about this in the completely OPPOSITE way.


Instead of creating a plan to KNOW what you’re DOING, start DOING NOW so you can start KNOWING FASTER.


In other words, start doing more so you can learn more. Learn BY executing instead of learning and THEN executing.


What you’ll notice is that you gather a ton of direct experiences from quickly implementing these new ideas. And these experiences are MASSIVELY valuable in helping you CHANGE and GROW.


As a result, you will outpace anyone just like you going for the same dream. While they’re still planning and “gathering research” you’ll be out there truly learning.


Who do you think chases down the dream first?



Rule 3: Accept Feedback and Adjust


The final rule of chasing your dreams requires flexibility.


We started by getting laser-focused on what we specifically wanted. Then we began taking action by implementing new ideas into our lives quickly.


Now we need to receive feedback and make adjustments.


I call this step in the process “Learning Squared.”


So learning = changing your behavior, right? In rule two, we’re taking new actions toward our dreams. When we get a great idea, we quickly go out and try it.


After this happens, we’re going to start getting feedback and we need to learn all over again.


Let’s pretend our dream is to write a book.


When we finish the first draft, we might send it out to a few people in our target demographic to get their thoughts on it.


They might like certain parts of it. They might strongly dislike certain parts of it.


Gathering feedback in this step means truly hearing where the world is coming from. Instead of saying, “Well they just didn’t understand my vision!” we embrace the criticism.


“Learning Squared” means we then adjust our behavior again to create something more in alignment with what the feedback we’re getting.


One of the biggest mistakes people make when starting a business is dedicating themselves to creating a product they don’t even know if people will appreciate.


Their passion blinds them to understanding the market. Then, when no one buys from them, they get discouraged and quit.


See, there’s a bit of a paradox when it comes to chasing our dreams:


On one hand we need to be extremely specific about what we want to accomplish. So much so that we definitely commit ourselves to ONE clear intention.


Yet we also have to have enough flexibility to adjust our vision based on what we’re experiencing.


We have to be BOTH single-mindedly focused AND openly flexible.


How do we do this? Think of it like ballroom dancing.


Before the dance begins, you’re going to take the lead. You need to know exactly where you’re going and the initial steps you’ll be taking.


Then as you begin dancing, you’ll lead your partner with confidence. You may try new moves and routines to make the dance engaging.


But as the dance continues, you’ll need to adjust to your partner. Your partner may want to take the lead. They might not feel like one of your moves is working for them. Or they might want to try something different with you.


Adjusting to feedback means shifting out of “this needs to happen exactly like this” mode and into “I wonder what would happen if we tried this instead…” mode.


In doing this, you’ll experience an awesome harmony between you and your dreams.


You’re clear and steadfast enough to know exactly what you want and yet you’re open enough to create what the world wants too.


You will discover that to truly chase down your dream means to find the sweet spot between your wildest passions and what the world is asking of you.


I was always super passionate about confidence and building strength from the inside out. But it wasn’t until I started really LISTENING to what my clients wanted that I began to really make much of an impact.


They began telling me they wanted to learn how to communicate with charisma. They wanted to learn how to master the art of conversation. They yearned for creating deeper connections with those around them.


If I would have blindly followed my passion in simply teaching confidence, I wouldn’t have been able to serve these people.


So I completely shifted my focus for these clients away from confidence and into teaching charisma and social skills. This made a world of difference.


What I discovered was that our initial dreams rarely end up exactly as we first see them. Either we need to adjust them or we need to adjust who we are to capture them.


Feedback is truly the greatest teacher. And just because things don’t work out the way we expect them to work out doesn’t mean we QUIT on the dream.


We just need to make shifts and go about the whole “learning by doing” process again. Over time, we get closer and closer to the dream until it becomes an unavoidable reality.



So now that you know my three simple rules for chasing your dreams, I have to ask you:


  • What do you want?
  • What is one thing you just learned you can implement TODAY?
  • How are you going to adjust to feedback?


Go chase down your dream. You are more powerful than you will ever know.


If you are like me and want some more Byron…check out his stuff here:



PSA on VULNERABILITY: Guys Don’t Believe the Hype #GuestPost by Scott Jarvie

For those of you who don’t know Scott Jarvie, you are welcome in advance. He is one of my closest friends and I loved this guest post. Know you will too.

Scott Jarvie

In recent years the concept of Vulnerability has become very hip and trendy topic and girls will often make you listen things like Brene Brown TED talks on vulnerability.


Guys let me warn you before you fall into the vulnerability trap. This will not help you find a relationship.


What they fail to mention is this sort of stuff is for later in a relationship. Girls are still girls they will go after more stoic figures, ones that show less emotion, complicated types, so don’t be vulnerable, instead be mysterious, stay on the surface for a more extended period of time, say things that sound and pretend at vulnerable or caring, just enough to get them hooked etc.


I’m warning the rest of you… my cause is too late… this is for YOU.


I have been way too vulnerable and non mysterious with way too many people and let’s face it I’ve been an open book for years and heck that book is online and public,. And may I add…Way before any TEDx talk told me to be. Being vulnerable early on will get you a lot of friends who’ll be cheerleaders, but they’re like the cheerleaders cheering for the “special team”… oh that’s right… they don’t actually play in your league. They just come to visit and go back to their own life when they’re done feeling good about themselves.


Don’t be emotionally centric and non-mysterious.  I get it… we’re a Christmas present culture. We love wrapping presents in nice pretty paper with great bows. We love not knowing what’s inside and we get invested in the mystery. Onions have layers and girls want to pretend that at the heart of that onion they have no clue what they’ll find… will it be a rose? Will it be a unicorn pooping diamonds. Will it be the next perfect human?


Sure I personally believe in the concept of showing emotions and being vulnerable wholeheartedly, I guess I needed this PSScott JarvieA 10 years ago. As for myself it’s what I want to be but let me assure you Others …it does not help you find love or enter a relationship or even get dates. Perhaps it helps nourish love… but it’ll kill your chances if you use it at first. After all how you gonna improve a relationship you never get in the first place. (it’s science) Go play your game… I’ll come up from the minor or little leagues to come watch you guys compete and cheer you on… and oh yeah I’m a wedding photographer so this is good for business. jarviedigital.com for your next wedding photoshoot needs mention the post and get 5% off. [Zack’s note: seriously, this guy’s photos are unreal…wish I had the 5% offer for my wedding!]



Be a nicely wrapped present under the tree that they get obnoxiously early in the Christmas season and have to wait. Heck why try to figure yourself out now or embrace emotions too closely too early. iT’S A TRAP! They may want to do that stuff after they’ve fallen in love with you… fine whatever… it’s about the journey wait for them to join you and get super invested… but don’t work on that stuff now. Silly you.


You can’t simply make a lifetime of cultural impact which was thrust upon their pysche just go away just by wishing it to not be so. We are raised and taught in large part by our culture… by the examples and teachings of our society. So even if they recognize the legitimacy of certain emotionally laden truths it doesn’t mean those truths will trigger the right buttons or lead to the right ends. The ends may not justify the means, but usually the means predict the ends.


Scott JarvieI guarantee you that being more closed, more mysterious, more of a calculated risk and making them take a step of faith into the dark is what will help you out more. Get off the ship of vulnerability it’s sinking… be vulnerable when it’s just the two of you on the lifeboat together and she’s like… “It’s too cold to swim and there are sharks” “And then almost as if a revelation about the realitity of it all she finally says “tell me about yourself, like the you behind those layers .” Keep in mind it’s like your 10th date or even the honeymoon. And she’s like oh crap I may be with this person for the rest of my life I should figure out what is at the core of this onion I’ve been kissing.


You know I’m right… and the honest girls will admit it. They can talk about emotions and vulnerability and connecting all they want. And you know the suave guys are like… “duh Jarvie you’re just now figuring this out.” And i’m like: “… ummm… I knew it was mostly the case (like a great majority) i was just thinking that perhaps there were exceptions to the rule and that I was cool enough to make it in under that exemption clause” Well I figured it out for you all… God is probably like “so what you’re a player for a moment in time, I died for your imperfections and now all of a sudden you’re worried about being real good at being vulnerable…I knew you’d be pressured into being a emotionally manipulative tool by society. How else you gonna find someone? You shoulda took to the free pass like everyone else.” And you’re like wellp… missed that memo. But you didn’t because you read this message.



Ok fine…

“bro” you were right I, Scott Jarvie, should have listened. But now I’m out of step with culture so it’s too late for old dogs and silly fake tricks You are not the exception. They hate the game and yet a lifetime of living in a culture has programmed them this way. And sure when you do find love… go ahead and listen to a brene brown talk or something like that. It’s quite nice. For some reason it feels so right to put out everything openly and without a care hoping that the person will be like… “hey wait you have flaws too… I had no idea and I like you even more.” Haha oh the things fairy tales are made of. You can tell your kids about it when you are older. Culutres change maybe it’ll be the thing then… but this is your culture son… don’t screw it up. Take a lesson from me. Beat the d-bags at their own game and just try not to be one (too much.

It’s about TIME and How They are WRONG About Mormon Dating Demographics

A little while ago, TIME published an article about the dating demographics of Mormons and Jews titled, “What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis.” It bothered me, but I didn’t write a response because (1) I wasn’t sure why it bugged me and (2) I got engaged 5 days before it was published, so I didn’t really care.


Yesterday, one of my good buddies, Brett Winn posted his thoughts on the article and I’d thought I’d pass them on. Not only is it a great piece, but so is he. Enjoy the read and cheers to you, Brett!


Brett Winn

I finally found the time to read the above article. Some of it I agree with because it lines up with perfectly with what I have observed in the real world (like the outrageous number of Mormon women that have had cosmetic procedures). That being said, this is not a very scientific study. The author performs no experiment, makes several non-sequitur leaps and, worst of all, arrives at his conclusion upfront and then goes searching for data to support his bias. I am quite disappointed that Time magazine would hold it up as a reputable study. This is not science. This is propaganda. For some unknown reason the author wants to persuade Mormons and Jews that the plight of unmarried women is basically hopeless and driven solely by demographics. I strongly disagree and am prepared to counter his non-scientific study with one of own.


Let’s follow a case study – single, Mormon, Male, 40-year-old virgin (and never seen the movie). Hey, wait… that’s me! I have quite a few male friends in a very similar boat – older, single, Mormon, don’t sleep around and are genuinely, sincerely looking for the right woman.


Here are the facts (anecdotal, but factual from where I stand) —


(1) Dating preferences shift slightly over time, but I always been drawn to women with the same basic qualities – humorous, kind, intelligent, attractive, outdoorsy, artistic, Mormon women. Perhaps I am still single because these qualities put such women squarely out of my league. Perhaps, but for purposes of this informal study, all that matters is that the selection criteria has remained consistent. And it has.
(2) Mormon women (as a group) are similar to what they have always been. I arrived at this conclusion because the relative ratios of women that fit Fact #1 have remained the same. Yes, finding a woman that makes me so excited I am scared to pick up the phone is rare, but it was equivalently rare back in high school. Mormon women are still made up of all different shapes and sizes and types – from Molly to rebel, sweet to sarcastic, and crazy to unicorn. Some of my contemporaries lament that “all the good ones got married early.” To which I fire back, “Good news. Thanks to the knuckleheads that divorced them, many of the amazing women you might have missed in your early 20s are now available again!” So no complaints, gentlemen. There really are lots of fish in the sea … and by that I mean, lots of quality Mormon ladies to date.
(3) When I honestly look back 2 years or 5 years or 10 years or even 20 years, nothing has changed for me socially. There are still plenty of women who brush me off, want to hangout in the friendzone or are just not interested. That is fine. I am used to it. Those have been the social realities since I started liking girls in the 2nd grade.


Here’s the problem. If the above three statements are true (and they are true for many Mormon men I know), it completely derails the article’s conclusion. The author leaps to the idea that there is a purely demographically-driven, social “buyers market” for men because it supports his predetermined paradigm. But when I compare his conclusion with the last 20+ years of actual experience, there is a giant, glaring error – namely fact #3. There has been no real change in the way women act and react to me. If the article’s conclusion were correct, shouldn’t there be a clearly perceptible change in “social success” for eligible, sincere Mormon men?


Answer: Yes. Absolutely, there should be.


If the odds were really ridiculously stacked in my favor, shouldn’t I be seeing an obvious reduction of selectivity among women? Shouldn’t there be a lot more “yes” and a whole lot fewer “no” than there used to be? Shouldn’t large numbers of amazingly well-qualified, affection-reciprocating women be throwing themselves at me and other single Mormon guys? If the article were correct, they would be. But truthfully, they aren’t. And good for them! Despite the reported man-shortage, far from panicking, Mormon women are holding to their position and standards with grace and dignity. No begging. No desperation. Maybe demographics explains why Mormon women are opting for “surgical enhancements”, but from a purely pragmatic standpoint everything is still the same. Women still turn me down with roughly the same frequency they always have. Meeting a truly engaging and interesting woman with reciprocal interest is still the exception. As near as I can tell, eligible women are just as choosy now as they have ever been. And the vast majority of my male peers are having the exact same experience. My former singles ward bishop was fond of saying “the problem is 80% of the guys are chasing the same 20% of the girls and 80% of the girls are chasing the same 20% of the guys.” It was true then. And its still true now.


Some might say “you are just playing around and delaying marriage just like the article says.” And though that is patently false, it does not affect my argument. As more men leave the church (another of the article’s claims) it should add to the epic, eligible-man shortage and result in mass desperation among Mormon women. Every Mormon guy who is hanging out waiting for a bigger, better deal should see his options improving year-by-year. But that is not reality. This is not Isaiah 4:1. If it were, I am pretty sure I would have noticed. The author didn’t take the time to ask, interview or even consider the common Mormon male perspective in all of this. Or if he did, he certainly didn’t choose to include it, because the real story destroys his case for Mormon matrimonial hysteria.


There is an old saying “any difference which makes no difference IS no difference.” If there has been no appreciable change in the dating scene for Mormon men like me, that calls the author’s entire conclusion into serious question – no matter what the demographics say. The 80% will go on chasing the 20% and the dating landscape will remain, for all practical purposes, unchanged. Do demographics affect the dating/marriage market? I believe they do on a certain level. Are demographic changes the major reason Mormons are marrying later in life (as the article asserts)? No. From all the evidence I have seen, it is a small piece of a much larger puzzle.


BOTTOMLINE: Ladies, no need for panic. There are still lots of single, Mormon guys out there, so keep flirting and friendzoning until you find the right one!

(Brett with kids (not his)) Somehow, this guy is single…


5 Steps to Get a SUPER Hot Girl and Not be the “Big Smile” Guy

GUEST POST from my good friend who happens to not be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and reside of Beverly Hills. His opinion on dating was so enriching, funny and interesting, I couldn’t help but share.

grocery story

Enter average guy. So, you’re in the grocery store with a hand basket full of food and the lean cuisine© meals are piled on the top for the world to see (they are on sale for 5 for $10 today and a staple of many a bachelor’s diet…obvi) …and then that a smoking hot girl walks down the same aisle and she has some almond milk, a piece of fruit, and some kale in her basket…what do you do?


Also, also what is going on here? A lot.



First of all this would never happen because these girls only shop for their kale at Whole Foods and they don’t sell lean cuisine’s© there…so that was the first mental exercise…which you failed…try to do better on this next part..mkayyy?!


So, second, let’s focus on the fact that you offered her up a really huge smile as she walked by you even though your earbuds were in and you were frowning for the other 90% of the time that you were walking toward her in the aisle…sound familiar? Why did you do that? What do you think she thinks when you smiled at her real big for no reason? She KNOWS that you want to make out with her right next to those Cheerios© boxes because every guy everywhere since she was 10 years old has smiled at her and tried to be nice to her hoping that that will make her like him. Do you really think that if you do the same thing as everyone else around her (randomly smile BIG) that you will finally win the lottery and she will notice you and want to marry you and believe that you are the superior male that she should then mate with?? You know, by age 25, the hot girls catch on to what you are doing are why you are smiling at them…I promise you they do. I can also tell you that she is very proud of her body to be wearing that provocative outfit right now and that it will (luckily for her) serve as a deterrent for 99% of guys who are too intimidated to speak to her and saver her some hassles (she thinks)…so she wears it to weed out all the would-be average suitors with low confidence…


But you are different (because you read this post)! ALSO, unfortunately for you, she very aware that you have a pile of lean cuisine’s© in your basket that even the nicest smile cannot undo. So what do you do, bearing in mind that SHE KNOWS SHE IS HOT AND IS USED TO BEING TREATED SPECIAL AND WANTS THAT POSITIVE REINFOREMENT THAT SHE IS SPECIAL? Well, for starters, don’t let her know it! If you deny her your goofy smile, she may just seek validation of her hotness…from YOU…if you play your cards right!


So, assuming you are able to successfully navigate a #meetCute, possibly by sarcastically (and with a straight face) telling her that “she got the wrong dressing for her Kale (referring to her milk)…”, here are some 5 tips on the type of thing to do next that could pique her interest:



  1. Leave her presence as soon as possible after you get her number. Literally, if you are at a party, leave immediately and go somewhere else. Don’t hang around and try to talk to her. The probability that you will say something stupid and ruin everything is very high.


  1. Call her a few days later and pretend to be extremely busy. Keep the conversation under 1 minute 30 seconds. Make a joke. Have a plan in mind. Tell her you have to go. Hang up.


  1. Text her 2 days before and tell her you have a charity event you have to go to that night, and that you need to reschedule for next week. Don’t text her back for several hours. Don’t use emoticons.


3.5.   Cancel on her again if you have the guts.


  1. Tell her where and when to meet you in a text a few days later. Try to pick someplace that takes her out of her element. i.e. if she takes herself really seriously, maybe try a comedy show… or if she is a hipster…take her someplace fancy…or if you are into the cougars maybe to a hip concert….


Try to coordinate something for a date that will create a memory and also make her feel like she is not in control of the situation (since, as a hot girl, she is used to “calling the shots”).



These types of dating tactics get her thinking things like:


  • “He was really funny…oh, wait…where did he go?” I miss him already. I wonder if I can find him on Facebook©. (P.S. don’t add her on Facebook or confirm her request)
  • “What? He’s too busy to talk to me? I wonder what he’s doing that’s more important than talking to me? Every guys since I was 10 years old wants to talk to me all the time be because I’m so hot and the world revolves around me.”
  • “He cancelled on ME? Wait…what? I’m the only one that gets to flake out…how dare he beat me to the punch at my own game!”
  • “OMG, philanthropy?! Maybe he will make a good father, he must be kind-hearted” (for emphasis, please imagine them thinking this in a high pitched Barbie© voice. K thx!). While texting this, please feel free to enjoy an evening of pizza and Netflix©.
  • “Wow, I don’t usually do this stuff very often. Hmm..this guys is interesting and maybe he is different than all the other “Big Smile” guys!


Note about the Guest:

For me, I’m a child of a second marriage. So my father is 50 years older than me and I feel more pressure then most peers to be responsible as a young professional adult and start a family earlier- like in the good ‘ol days. And even though what I would really like to do is have a nice time with a nice girl like the LDS dating world you are involved in– the truth in major metro cities is that a successful guy needs to play these dating games just to get an opportunity to have that type relationship with a super hot successful woman. They expect some sort of game play – and they have developed a man-filter system- and game play is it (also if you are ugly, it’s tough too — if so, try to make a lot of money). Truth is if you are not able to deliver some mystery or something unusual to her that disrupts her normal routine of life then you are not giving her any reason to distinguish you from the 100 guys that look her up in appropriately on the streets each day or hit on her at bars or at work or anywhere she goes. Why you?

Women want to be challenged.

GUEST POST: A Woman’s Perspective on “Hanging out”–NO!

no hanging out

[Zack’s notes: Okay, so this is what happens when an ex gets ahold of a post and is upset about it. And while I was NOT saying REPLACE hanging out with dating, but rather, make sure you are doing a healthy dose of both–I think Holly has some great points here! So, with a spoonful of my salt, here is her guest post:] 

no hanging out

Why are the Women you want to date fed-up with the hang-ups of hanging out? We’ll tell you why!


This post is written by Holly Lyons with co-author Lily Carlson, for much added validity.


First, a necessary confession/concession: One of my best relationships blossomed after 2 years of friendship. We kissed one time while casually watching a movie—we were (gasp) hanging out.


That same night, however, he decided to grow some cajones and ask me on a date for Friday. We went to a restaurant that was clearly intended to make an impression. There was no question: He. Was. Into. Me.


If The Mighty Zack Oates who is a top-notch guy and pro dater has accidentally helped you to rationalize your Hanging Out Habits, first consider this three-pronged (pitchfork) presentation of what I call “The Hang-ups of Hanging Out:


1) If you are hanging out, word is getting around. Girls talk. You know this, so you might think it will keep your options open if you take it slow and hang out first. Here’s the thing, women will talk ANYWAYS. Look at these two scenarios:


Jill, the Woman You Might Want to Date, chats with Sally, the Woman Who is Totally Out of Your League. Jill says, “He took me out to dinner and was such a gentleman!” Sally thinks to herself, “WOW. That’s the kind of stand-up guy I want to be dating!” (Next time you see Sally, the twinkle in her eye tells you she’s hot for you).


– OR –


Jill tells Jan, The Girl You MIGHT Consider Dating if Jill Turns Out to Be Boring, “We’ve been hanging out, but I can’t tell if he’s into me. He doesn’t show much interest in dating.” Jan thinks to herself, “This guy sounds spineless. Note to self: avoid hangouts with {Your Name Here}.”


So remember: although they say talk is cheap, if you’re hanging out, that talk could be cheapening YOU.


2) If you are hanging out, it’s dulling your sparkle. A man’s attention matters. But if a woman sees you put your hand on the small of multiple women’s backs, or if she hears you call any other woman “sweetie,” even in passing, Armour=tarnished. It will never be special when you do those things to her. A man’s SPECIAL attention matters. When in doubt, single her out.


3) If you are hanging out, you’re being robbed of your manhood. Be upfront about what you want and stick to the Triple P approach. It lets her know that you are smart (Planned), capable (Paid for), and specifically interested (Paired off). It’s up to you how smart, capable, and interested you want to come across, but I guarantee The Woman You Want to Date will accept nothing less. For Mormon YSA, there is a staggering amount of group hangouts built-in to everyday life. That is to say, there is plenty of opportunity to get to know a girl beyond her bod, without expending additional resources aside from your sharp intellect and charisma. This could be your ward activity or an engaging conversation in line at Café Rio. Maximize this built-in group hang out time to peak efficiency by employing these moments as a platform to get dates.


Don’t imagine that you’re getting away with anything if you’re hanging out. You certainly won’t be getting away with The Woman You Want to Date. Because The Woman You Want to Date is fed up with spineless jellyfish, tarnished amour, and scrubs.

Just because it “Works” Doesn’t Make it Right — GUEST POST by @zandersays

good guy bad boy

One of the best parts of blogging: the comments. Zander Jensen from www.zandersays.com and @zandersays commented regarding the post about “good guys,” “bad boys,” and the woes of women regarding each. Some comments must be shared in special ways. Zander’s is usually one of them.


————-the magic below————–


On why is it sometimes it pays to be a jerk, and why you shouldn’t be one anyway.


*I wrote this as a response to Zack’s Post here* (here is the link to the post)


When it comes to the “Nice Guy”/”Jerk” scenario, it really is so much more complicated than you can summarize in 300 words (I did my best and this is like 500). But hey, I’ll give it a shot. (For the record, a “bad boy” is different than a “jerk”, though not mutually exclusive)


Everyone knows that confidence is attractive, that’s dating 101, and a wide polling of women would suggest that there is a certain sexiness to a guy who knows what and goes after what he wants; conversely it is rather easy to cross over the line and come on too strong. In which case you “knowing what you want” becomes your downfall.


Let me break it down. If you are interested in someone, then when they perform a confident or romantic gesture toward you, it is not only welcome but incredibly attractive. If on the other hand you are not attracted to said person, the gesture at best is considered “sweet”, but more likely to come across as desperate and creepy.


The “Jerk” dynamic is best explained by the fact that the “jerk” doesn’t mind making his interest known in a very obvious way, while at the same time not caring what the outcome is. If he texts a girl and receives no response, he doesn’t mind, he’s probably talking to other girls, he’s moved on before he even noticed she hasn’t texted back. There is no double or even a *cringe* triple text, because frankly he doesn’t care.


I have read, and talked, about this subject ad nauseam. I could go on and on about how people love to go after what they can’t have, or how confidence plus mystery added to the thrill of “the chase” make for a dangerous (but admittedly fun) cocktail. Then there is the tyranny of choice, instant gratification, and a million other concepts.


But I won’t, because honestly it doesn’t matter. Knowing you have cancer is much different than curing it.


My advice for those who consider themselves to be a “nice guy”?


Stop telling yourself that you’re going to finish last, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and only self-defeating.


Next, stop complaining (no seriously, stop it) and be confident (fake it if you have to), be persistent (go after what you want), and most importantly be patient. Focus on something besides girls. Hobbies, passions and interests, fill your life so when you text that girl you aren’t sweating bullets waiting for the text back, instead you’re doing you.


And last, don’t date a girl that needs you to ignore her in order for her to be interested in you. Why would you want to date someone like that anyway (be confident remember)?