GUEST POST: A Woman’s Perspective on “Hanging out”–NO!

no hanging out

[Zack’s notes: Okay, so this is what happens when an ex gets ahold of a post and is upset about it. And while I was NOT saying REPLACE hanging out with dating, but rather, make sure you are doing a healthy dose of both–I think Holly has some great points here! So, with a spoonful of my salt, here is her guest post:] 

no hanging out

Why are the Women you want to date fed-up with the hang-ups of hanging out? We’ll tell you why!


This post is written by Holly Lyons with co-author Lily Carlson, for much added validity.


First, a necessary confession/concession: One of my best relationships blossomed after 2 years of friendship. We kissed one time while casually watching a movie—we were (gasp) hanging out.


That same night, however, he decided to grow some cajones and ask me on a date for Friday. We went to a restaurant that was clearly intended to make an impression. There was no question: He. Was. Into. Me.


If The Mighty Zack Oates who is a top-notch guy and pro dater has accidentally helped you to rationalize your Hanging Out Habits, first consider this three-pronged (pitchfork) presentation of what I call “The Hang-ups of Hanging Out:


1) If you are hanging out, word is getting around. Girls talk. You know this, so you might think it will keep your options open if you take it slow and hang out first. Here’s the thing, women will talk ANYWAYS. Look at these two scenarios:


Jill, the Woman You Might Want to Date, chats with Sally, the Woman Who is Totally Out of Your League. Jill says, “He took me out to dinner and was such a gentleman!” Sally thinks to herself, “WOW. That’s the kind of stand-up guy I want to be dating!” (Next time you see Sally, the twinkle in her eye tells you she’s hot for you).


– OR –


Jill tells Jan, The Girl You MIGHT Consider Dating if Jill Turns Out to Be Boring, “We’ve been hanging out, but I can’t tell if he’s into me. He doesn’t show much interest in dating.” Jan thinks to herself, “This guy sounds spineless. Note to self: avoid hangouts with {Your Name Here}.”


So remember: although they say talk is cheap, if you’re hanging out, that talk could be cheapening YOU.


2) If you are hanging out, it’s dulling your sparkle. A man’s attention matters. But if a woman sees you put your hand on the small of multiple women’s backs, or if she hears you call any other woman “sweetie,” even in passing, Armour=tarnished. It will never be special when you do those things to her. A man’s SPECIAL attention matters. When in doubt, single her out.


3) If you are hanging out, you’re being robbed of your manhood. Be upfront about what you want and stick to the Triple P approach. It lets her know that you are smart (Planned), capable (Paid for), and specifically interested (Paired off). It’s up to you how smart, capable, and interested you want to come across, but I guarantee The Woman You Want to Date will accept nothing less. For Mormon YSA, there is a staggering amount of group hangouts built-in to everyday life. That is to say, there is plenty of opportunity to get to know a girl beyond her bod, without expending additional resources aside from your sharp intellect and charisma. This could be your ward activity or an engaging conversation in line at Café Rio. Maximize this built-in group hang out time to peak efficiency by employing these moments as a platform to get dates.


Don’t imagine that you’re getting away with anything if you’re hanging out. You certainly won’t be getting away with The Woman You Want to Date. Because The Woman You Want to Date is fed up with spineless jellyfish, tarnished amour, and scrubs.

4 thoughts on “GUEST POST: A Woman’s Perspective on “Hanging out”–NO!

  1. To th author of this post — why are you assuming that the guy is pursuing multiple girls who know each other and regularly gossip? That is the flaw is your reasoning… Hanging out is great, especially when the girls are in different social circles or live across town from each other. In any other scenario other than high school a guy usually does not pursue multiple women from the same group, especially ones he would all see every day. Duh

  2. 2 problems with this, and I’m glad to point them out. 1) Women talk–THAT’S problem number 1. Stop gossiping, little girls, and stop condoning it in blogs so that women think it’s ok. It’s not! And a lot of women, or shall I call them girls have wrong/jealous/hurt insight to a guy and wrongfully give him a bad name to others. That’s not fair (and not very Christlike either). Second problem: Girls LET guys hang out with them. The problem is just as much with the girls as it is with the guys, so take some ownership in that. Many girls don’t expect guys to take them on dates and instead say yes to hangouts. So it’s their own fault. You want a guy to ask you out? Be conveniently busy when he asks what you’re doing that night. Keep being busy on the nights he doesn’t plan ahead and if he is smart, he will get the hint and start asking you out in advance. If you let a guy hang out with you without planning something, don’t blame him. Blame yourself.

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