The STUPIDEST Reason I’ve ever Heard NOT to Dump Someone

monkey dating

So I’ve got this friend…you might be her.


She is kind, beautiful and, until recently, I thought she was pretty smart.


But see, she is dating this complete dud. (no desire for school, no job, no motivation, no direction, not kind, immature, not a great family…granted, he does have big muscles, still).


I just can’t help but feel that she could do so so so so so so much better!


I pulled her aside one day and told her that I was going to shoot her strait about her bae one time and one time only.


Her: “Go ahead.”

Me: “No really…I’m going to tell you exactly how I feel.”

Her: “I’d like that.”

Me: “No you won’t.”

Her: “It’s okay, I trust your opinion.”

Me: “It isn’t a good one.”

Her: “I would assume not.”

Me: “…”

Her: “Well?”

Me: “Wait…why would you ‘assume not’?”

Her: “Because, I mean, he’s not really that good of a guy.”

[pregnant pause]

[confused stare]


Her: “Because I don’t have anyone else to date yet.”




This phenomenon is unfortunately not unique to my friend, and while it is predominantly found in women, some men, too, suffer from “Monkey Vine Syndrome,” as my roommate calls it.


Monkey Vine Syndrome derives its scientific name from a monkey not wanting to let go of one vine until they are sure there is another one to grab onto.


Fearful of falling from the lofty platitudes of a secure relationship, these skittish souls will only vacate their vine if there is no chance of a commitment-less conclusion on the jungle floor where the pernicious predators of [dun dun DUN] singleness prey on the innocent.


In the words of the king from the Jungle Book, “I’m tired of monkey-ing around!”


Don’t be afraid to drop dead weight and take the leap. You’ll be surprised how much higher you can go.


It is okay to be single.

It is okay to be by yourself.

It is okay to not have someone like you.


At times, when we are single is when we become grounded in who we are so we can get a clearer perspective to see the tree from the forest, or, in the case of my friend, an idiot from a great guy. Remember, just because you don’t have a ‘someone’ and you aren’t someone’s ‘someone’ doesn’t make you a ‘no one.’

One thought on “The STUPIDEST Reason I’ve ever Heard NOT to Dump Someone

  1. just caught up on your blog – still hilarious, and so true. so many people date to just date, until something better comes along. I feel like it’s that there are so many options (in Provo) that everyone looks for the next best thing.

Leave a Reply