3 Be’s to Better a Bad Break Up

by | Break ups. Love. Single

Taylor swift break up

It was a dark cold time in my life. Months earlier, I had fallen completely in love and told everyone about it. I just knew that we would get married and she would be with me in 50 years, hand-in-hand on our porch rocking chair speaking at a family reunion telling of our fairytale love…it was so clear in my mind, that I just knew it would work out.

 

…well, it didn’t.

 

She dumped me.

 

And I was heartbroken.

 

I spent the next three months waking up every morning and staring at the ceiling for hours thinking, ‘If i just lay here long enough, I wonder if I could die so I don’t have to face today.’

 

bride in the ocean

It was hard because I feel like love is this island that is off the safe shores of casual dating. We start to get into the water with dating more seriously and then at some point, our feet leave the ocean floor and we just give ourselves to the possibility of reaching that island. But for me, when I felt like the island was just in reach, a mill stone was placed around my neck and I started drowning. When I finally dragged myself back to the shore, I ran from the water and never wanted to go back. It took three years to be willing to even dip my toes into that water again.

 

But let me tell you what I learned when I came out of those three years:

 

I am worth being loved and I deserve to love.

 

Some of you may have lost love, some may have never found it and others may be in a relationship as that love is slipping away–to all of you, I promise that love is real, love is out there and love is for you. Do not fear, for fear will drag you down. Realize that the pain is a cross you must bear for a short while, but you will breathe again….I super pinky promise. If you think I’m wrong, let’s go out to frozen yogurt and you can just vent to me.

drowning cross love

You must take the risk for love, though. Keep putting yourself out there and ask out one more girl. Write a really sweet note (NOT CREEPY) to that one person you’ve always had a crush on. I’ve usually found that they will reciprocate, even if it is to let you know that they don’t think of you that way so you can move on.

 

So here they are…3 Be’s to Better a Bad Break Up:

1. Be sad.

Seriously. It is oooooookay to feel bad and sad and mad and not glad. Just don’t stay there.

2. Be yourself.

We can always improve, but don’t do it on account of getting back at the other person or trying to make yourself available to the other person. Just do you.

3. Be open to the possibility of love again.

I know it won’t be right away, but pray every day to have your heart open to the possibility of love and be willing to dip your toes in the water again if the chance comes along.

 

I know it isn’t easy, but I promise the trepidation of trying is mitigated only by realizing that you’ve survived the worst. And once that is behind you, well, then the good stuff comes.


 

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  • Shannon Rose McGrath

    Can a sista get an amen? You are lovely (in a man way…).
    Except I don’t know how I feel about the “be sad”. Once upon a time I had a very similar experience to yours both the relationship and heartbreak. Based on that I feel like more often than not allowing yourself to revel in negative emotions just gives way to a vicious cycle. Cry once, get a blessing, forget about yourself, and go make the world a better place, is now my general heartache itinerary. And to be honest it has worked wonders over entertaining sorrow.

    • Zack Oates

      Great point. The idea is not to stay in the sad phase, but don’t be upset at yourself for being sad. I see that way too often and it makes things even worse. It is totally normal to feel upset and frustrated and sad, but yeah do NOT STAY there. Thanks Shan!!

  • Madison M Sites

    Much needed read. Thank ya kindly, sir!

  • Kami Hayes

    Thank you for such raw feelings. It is really nice to see how a man reacts once love has dissolved. On the other side of things, we often don’t see how or even IF it affects the other party. I also liked your part about feeling sad. Negative emotions are okay! And thinking otherwise only provides TWO negative emotions… The initial emotion and the guilt that comes from being shamed out of that emotion. One of the healthiest breakups I ever had (and we were engaged, so this was a big one) was to take out all the pictures, all the songs, everything that reminded me of him, and go through it one by one and have a healthy dose of mourning. Then I put it away and was done. It was nice. It didn’t keep rising to the surface later, because I had allowed myself to heal through mourning.