Part 2 of Diminishing Deal Breakers: The Doubt of the Benefit

by | Break ups. Dates. inspiration

deal breakers dating

 

As you may recall, this chart depicts how you should act when dating: keep things below the line and don’t be yourself too quickly—that is, if you are kinda…”unique.”

 

BUT, this chart isn’t just about you giving a slow reveal of your oddness, it also can help you in understanding your feelings for someone you are dating.

 

See a few years ago, before I understood this chart, I asked this girl out. She was beautiful, fun and seemed to be pretty cool.

 

Then she revealed that she hates hot tubs.

 

…on a first date.

 

“WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HATE HOT TUBS?!”

 

I told her, “It goes 1.Religion, 2.Families 3.Hot tubs.” She disagreed.

 

I never asked her out again.

 

To me, that fell above the line and entered the “Drop Zone” during “Stage 1-Feeling it Out.”

 

But in retrospect, I was ridiculous! To stop going out someone because they hate hot tubs? #facepalm

give the benefit of the doubt

It is one thing to dislike something that I like, but the big question is WHY! See, not liking hot tubs falls into the “Seriously?!” category (for me) which, if I would have invested a little more time or discovered a little more emotional connection, would not have been a deal breaker at all, for I would have progressed to “Stage 2-Feeling Good” and it would then be below the deal breaker line.

 

The process of falling in love with someone is simply understanding them.

 

That understanding doesn’t come though knowing WHAT they do/don’t do or like/don’t like, but though a deeper appreciation of WHY they do/don’t do or like/don’t like.

 

Take the hot tub hater, for example. People understand and love her deeply. She has best friends, siblings, parents, (now her husband who is “Stage 3-Feeling Sure”) and yeah, especially God, who thinks that she is the best most incredible person. And I didn’t get a chance to see why they think that because of a ‘heated’ debate. I was too immature to look beyond the curve into “Stage 2” where I could have seen her for the amazing person she is.

 

Shame on me!

 

We often get so caught up in the deal breakers that we forget one important fact: once the relationship strength increases, our concern often won’t even be a deal breaker—hence, the Law of DIMINISHING Deal Breakers. The further you progress, the less things will throw you off.

 

Have a few nonnegotiables, and then it all comes down to this: give a person the benefit of the doubt—until they give you reason enough to doubt the benefit.

 

And this goes well beyond dating, keep in mind. This is about humanity.

 

Next time you look at an old person, realize that one time they were held as a baby.

When you see the quiet person, remember that they have made people laugh until they cried.

As you meet everyone, assume they are trying to be good.

 

For in the end…don’t we hope that they can look at us the same?

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  • ABF31

    As a variation on the “hot-crazy scale,” I would imagine the slope should be more uniform. I wonder what happens at Stage 2 that results in such a steep, sudden incline? 😉

    • Zack Oates

      I thought about that a lot. I realize that there is a certain level in the beginning that there is a limit and a certain limit at the top as well and then the pick up in the middle as we allow our emotions to take over and our brain to relax the standards, so to speak.

  • Katalin Bolliger

    I sense that work related to the ‘law of diminishing marginal returns’ spiraled into a dating parallel. I wholeheartedly approve. I think that Finance fits the dating world in an eerily perfect way. Haha.