For those of you who don’t know Scott Jarvie, you are welcome in advance. He is one of my closest friends and I loved this guest post. Know you will too.
In recent years the concept of Vulnerability has become very hip and trendy topic and girls will often make you listen things like Brene Brown TED talks on vulnerability.
Guys let me warn you before you fall into the vulnerability trap. This will not help you find a relationship.
What they fail to mention is this sort of stuff is for later in a relationship. Girls are still girls they will go after more stoic figures, ones that show less emotion, complicated types, so don’t be vulnerable, instead be mysterious, stay on the surface for a more extended period of time, say things that sound and pretend at vulnerable or caring, just enough to get them hooked etc.
I’m warning the rest of you… my cause is too late… this is for YOU.
I have been way too vulnerable and non mysterious with way too many people and let’s face it I’ve been an open book for years and heck that book is online and public,. And may I add…Way before any TEDx talk told me to be. Being vulnerable early on will get you a lot of friends who’ll be cheerleaders, but they’re like the cheerleaders cheering for the “special team”… oh that’s right… they don’t actually play in your league. They just come to visit and go back to their own life when they’re done feeling good about themselves.
Don’t be emotionally centric and non-mysterious. I get it… we’re a Christmas present culture. We love wrapping presents in nice pretty paper with great bows. We love not knowing what’s inside and we get invested in the mystery. Onions have layers and girls want to pretend that at the heart of that onion they have no clue what they’ll find… will it be a rose? Will it be a unicorn pooping diamonds. Will it be the next perfect human?
Sure I personally believe in the concept of showing emotions and being vulnerable wholeheartedly, I guess I needed this PSA 10 years ago. As for myself it’s what I want to be but let me assure you Others …it does not help you find love or enter a relationship or even get dates. Perhaps it helps nourish love… but it’ll kill your chances if you use it at first. After all how you gonna improve a relationship you never get in the first place. (it’s science) Go play your game… I’ll come up from the minor or little leagues to come watch you guys compete and cheer you on… and oh yeah I’m a wedding photographer so this is good for business. jarviedigital.com for your next wedding photoshoot needs mention the post and get 5% off. [Zack’s note: seriously, this guy’s photos are unreal…wish I had the 5% offer for my wedding!]
Be a nicely wrapped present under the tree that they get obnoxiously early in the Christmas season and have to wait. Heck why try to figure yourself out now or embrace emotions too closely too early. iT’S A TRAP! They may want to do that stuff after they’ve fallen in love with you… fine whatever… it’s about the journey wait for them to join you and get super invested… but don’t work on that stuff now. Silly you.
You can’t simply make a lifetime of cultural impact which was thrust upon their pysche just go away just by wishing it to not be so. We are raised and taught in large part by our culture… by the examples and teachings of our society. So even if they recognize the legitimacy of certain emotionally laden truths it doesn’t mean those truths will trigger the right buttons or lead to the right ends. The ends may not justify the means, but usually the means predict the ends.
I guarantee you that being more closed, more mysterious, more of a calculated risk and making them take a step of faith into the dark is what will help you out more. Get off the ship of vulnerability it’s sinking… be vulnerable when it’s just the two of you on the lifeboat together and she’s like… “It’s too cold to swim and there are sharks” “And then almost as if a revelation about the realitity of it all she finally says “tell me about yourself, like the you behind those layers .” Keep in mind it’s like your 10th date or even the honeymoon. And she’s like oh crap I may be with this person for the rest of my life I should figure out what is at the core of this onion I’ve been kissing.
You know I’m right… and the honest girls will admit it. They can talk about emotions and vulnerability and connecting all they want. And you know the suave guys are like… “duh Jarvie you’re just now figuring this out.” And i’m like: “… ummm… I knew it was mostly the case (like a great majority) i was just thinking that perhaps there were exceptions to the rule and that I was cool enough to make it in under that exemption clause” Well I figured it out for you all… God is probably like “so what you’re a player for a moment in time, I died for your imperfections and now all of a sudden you’re worried about being real good at being vulnerable…I knew you’d be pressured into being a emotionally manipulative tool by society. How else you gonna find someone? You shoulda took to the free pass like everyone else.” And you’re like wellp… missed that memo. But you didn’t because you read this message.
“bro” you were right I, Scott Jarvie, should have listened. But now I’m out of step with culture so it’s too late for old dogs and silly fake tricks You are not the exception. They hate the game and yet a lifetime of living in a culture has programmed them this way. And sure when you do find love… go ahead and listen to a brene brown talk or something like that. It’s quite nice. For some reason it feels so right to put out everything openly and without a care hoping that the person will be like… “hey wait you have flaws too… I had no idea and I like you even more.” Haha oh the things fairy tales are made of. You can tell your kids about it when you are older. Culutres change maybe it’ll be the thing then… but this is your culture son… don’t screw it up. Take a lesson from me. Beat the d-bags at their own game and just try not to be one (too much.