Stop Lying in Dating…yeah YOU.

by | Dates

 

lying in datingI had been going out with this girl for a few weeks and we were starting to get a little more serious—becoming more comfortable with each other. One Saturday we went on a pretty casual date to play sports, hit up the hot tub and then off to grab a bite.

 

By eating time, it was late. We were both tired and hungry.

 

About 15 min into the dinner I had a sudden rush of fear.

 

‘Oh no! She hasn’t laughed the entire time I’ve been sitting here! I’m a terrible date!’

 

And that is when it hit me.

 

‘No…’ I though, ‘I’m just comfortable.‘

 

See, I’ve realized recently that on so many of my dates, I’ve been lying.

 

And so have you.

 

We lie when we are going out to a dance party and having a blast when we really want to be home watching Netflix.

We lie when we open doors for women only for the first few dates.

We lie when we say that we aren’t picky about restaurants and then end up only liking one place.

We lie when we read intellectually stimulating books just to say that we did.

 

So let’s all just stop.

 

Stop pretending.

 

Too many guys have married a chill girl only to find out she was bat-tart crazy.

Too many girls have married a perfect guy only to discover he is a total creeper and abusive.

 

On the not so sever side, too many have dated a really fun person to find out they are super lame—a movie goer who hates movies—a partier who hates parties—a person who is only being what they think the other person wants.

 

Just be you.

 

Don’t stop trying…but be honest.

 

Because I promise, you are worth being loved and will be loved; but the problem is when people fall in love with what you want them to think you are.

 

You are worth it…all by yourself.

 

Yes, it’s okay to be tired and hungry and NOT funny.

It’s okay to have a bad day.

It’s okay to even be a little vulnerable.

 

You aren’t on some stage trying to entertain your date with a character portrayal of everything they wantyou are sitting at dinner with someone who just wants to be with you.  

 

So let’s try to improve ourselves, but be honest with who we are because there is no role in the act of love for liars.

 

 

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  • Tabitha Hustead

    What about when a person lies to you/keeps something from you because they know you and don’t want to lose you? How do you go about dealing with it after you find out about it, and you’ve already been dating for a considerable amount of time? I’d like to know your thoughts on that.

    • Zack Oates

      There is something called the law of diminishing deal breakers. Everyone knows it, intuitively. They wait until it is “too late” to reveal some big secret or something. If you find out something, you need to evaluate if you love that person enough to leave them, realizing that often, if you would have known about that thing earlier, you would have absolutely left. I would say that for me, I try to work through things and see how much i can put my heart into it. If i just can’t bring myself to forgive them or imagine my life with whatever thing is involved, I would leave it. If i can pray and forgive them and know that we can work through it, i would for sure stay. Suuuuuuuuuuper circumstantial. But really tricky.

      • Tabitha Hustead

        Thanks! That helps a lot 🙂
        P.S. I hope life is going well for ya, it’s been a while!

    • Zack Oates

      But what do you think….?

    • Jane

      Great question Tabitha! For the benefit of anyone reading your question later on, I have to share from my experience on this one. In the situation you have described, if someone lied about a deal breaker and revealed it when it was too late, my advice is “Run for your life!” That’s what I wished I did.
      If they had just kept it quiet and it happened to come out late, take a step back, have sufficient time apart, spend time with other people, until your emotional attachment has cooled off and you can see the situation more objectively.

      Take it seriously and keep in mind, this would have been a deal-breaker.

      Dishonesty about one thing could be the tip of the ice-berg you never imagine until you marry the person, and then it all becomes obvious and causes serious problems for you for the rest of your life. This could be your best warning sign of a total faker.

      I was in this exact situation right before my wedding day. I chose to forgive and trust my then-fiancé. That was the worst decision of my life.

      Divorce was the best decision of my life. But oh how I wish I didn’t have to experience such horrific things during those years of marriage to be able to say that.

  • Debra Hatfield

    Agreed! 🙂 we should always be our best selves though…

  • Pingback: The Law of Diminishing Deal Breakers (Part 1) | Zack's Bowl of Oates()

  • Jane

    Best post. I mean, the #1 most important. And perhaps we need more posts giving advice for the flip side, how to be wary of fakers, because…
    “Too many guys have married a chill girl only to find out she was bat-tart crazy.
    Too many girls have married a perfect guy only to discover he is a total creeper and abusive”
    …I was one of those girls who married the perfect guy only to discover he was abusive. Some of us just assume that everyone is honest, what we see is what we get. I absolutely never guessed that my ex was a total faker, from interests and likes/dislikes, right down to the temple recommend worthiness status. But I know now, after struggling and giving all to make marriage work for 5.5 years with an emotionally abusive and violent man. And two emotionally scarred children later, I’ve learnt my lesson and have come out of that dark hole. I’m loving life now (in a “praise-the-Lord-I-have-been-given-a-second-chance-at-life” type of way) but how I wished I could have been warned about fakers more, been aware and not so naive, and got it right the first time. It happens to way too many girls.

    • Zack Oates

      Well bless you for keeping on going and having faith and the positive attitude to make things work! I am so sorry for what you have been though, but you are an inspiration!