Three Symptoms and Remedies of Post-BreakUp Loneliness

lonliness break up

The days and weeks after a breakup can be confusing, frustrating and depressing. The pangs of loneliness lead your little lost heart to a land that ranges from unhealthy to introspective…namely, missing.


But what kind of missing is it, really? The misdiagnosis of loneliness had resulted in dire side effects such as contracting desperateness or being contaminated with douchitis.


After years of observations, I’ve tried to take an outside, sterile and semi-scientific (not at all scientific) perspective by removing all emotions (impossible) to analyze a breakup, both from primary, secondary and Nicolas Sparks. The current hypothesis: there are three types of “missing,” or loneliness, and it is CRITICAL that we do not confuse the three to appropriately treat the ailment.


1) Loneliness because you miss the friendship


Symptoms: Typically a flavor of loneliness found in the female variety. The male is easy to adapt and move on. Females will often call the males through private messages, usually to just “chat” when they are driving home or doing their laundry. Males consider this “torture.” After a certain amount of time, it appears the relationship loses its excitement and moves into a comfortable rhythm. It is at this point that a breakup occurs, leaving the party who initiated the “time apart” to feel like they just lost a friend…because they did. And they need to deal with that and not drag people along.


Remedies: It is prescribed that males go to the movies, do not reach out and find someone else. Females…just remember, sometimes the meanest thing you can be is nice.


2) Loneliness because you miss A relationship


Symptoms: Both genders of humans tend to desire to be loved. It is a foreign concept that often has roots in “daddy-issues.” There is a comfort and security that is craved, so after a breakup, both males and females will begin to call old flings and those they had on their proverbial “back burner even though they said they had ‘eyes for no one else, baby.'”


Remedies: Go kiss someone. Anyone will do. The dosage will depend on how much the severity of pain within the chest cavity, but typically one to two doses of a light NCMO or “summer loving,” as it is often called, within one week of the emotional trauma will aid in the healing process. (…and then go get in touch with yourself because you need to learn how to be good with being just you before you can be a good you+1)



3) Loneliness because you miss THAT relationship


Symptoms: Measured by a frequent glossy-eyed look typical in crying, sad contemplation or pent up frustration. This can be the source of listening to “your song,” the desire to contact the other party, looking at their profile on Facebook to see if they are hanging out with that ratchet you are sure they like, and/or hoping that every time that stupid blinkey light is flashing on your phone it is some form of communication from them.


Remedies: Inconclusive… (other than disabling that stupid little blinkey thing.)



In the final analysis, it has been determined that looking for alternative methods of human companionship, limiting contact and genuinely hoping the best for the other party are the only ways to establish an environment to allow the next relationsperiment to germinate properly.