How to Know if You FOR SURE Have Lost a Date

by ZackAugust 19, 2014Dates3 Comments

I recently was on a date with a girl.

Beautiful, religious, smart, positive…everything I could ask for (this technically should be “for which I could ask,” but colloquialism will take precedent over correctness here).

Things are going smoothly–maybe even a kiss by the end of the night, who knows?

It was a beautiful evening. The hot tub set just the right mood at the end of the date. The stars were beaming down in faultless splendor. And right as cheesy lines are spinning through my head of how to not mess up this perfect evening…

things turned sour.

Like ‘mouthful of rotten ocean water’ sour.

She goes, “You know, I think you and Alicia (name has not been changed) would be such a great couple!”

[silence]

[furrow eyebrows]

[left eye slightly squint in confusion]

[a little more silence]

“What did you just say?” a sucker-punch to the ego.

“No, I mean, I just think that you guys would be great for each other.”

I couldn’t help it. I started to laugh.

“Well, I guess there isn’t any pressure for the rest of this date then, is there?”

“I think you’re a great guy and all, but…”

The rest is, as they say, the story of my life.

Yes, fellas, a telltale sign that you are as burnt as forgotten toast is if she ever mentions you dating someone else.

Ladies, please use this tactic wisely and rarely.

How else have you known that your date was over?

Should Guys Ask Out Girls on SECOND Dates at the End of a First?

by ZackAugust 10, 2014August 11, 2014Dates / SingleLeave a Comment

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen…[eyebrow rub]

[pause for a slightly condescending glare over the glasses]

[sigh]

How do I put this?

Stop.

Just stop.

You are bold enough to ask her out, smart enough to plan a great date, cordial enough to be a fun time, calm enough not to do something stupid…and then you blow it all at the doorstep. You might as well take off your shirt and show her you have a heart shaved in your chest (which, incidentally, is not a great way of getting a second date #personalexperience).

Open curtain:

“I had a great time,” you stammer.

“Me too…” she replies.

“Would you like to go on a second date?”

“I…uh…well…………..”

This is about when cupid wants to throw a brick at your face.

Possible scenarios with that question:

she had a good time and is excited you asked her out.
she had a good time but now you seem too eager and she is questioning if she really had a good time.
she had an okay time and needed a good’s night rest to let the date set in before making her decision and now feels undue pressure and that you like her too much and is a little weirded out.
she did not have a good time but awkwardly says yes and is forced to go out with you again.
she did not have a good time and tells you no on the doorstep and you don’t go on dates for a couple of weeks and talk about this mean girl who told you no.

IF IT IS A ONE IN FIVE SHOT OF BEING A GOOD IDEA….that usually means…IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

So what do you do? Let’s try this again.

“I had a great time,” you stammer.

“Me too…” she replies.

“Would love to do it again sometime. [no wait for response] But have a great night and good luck with [insert something from conversation to show you were listening]!”

[Both laugh]

[Night hug]

[Drop the mic and walk away]

Boom. Nailed it.

Be proud of yourself, you just successfully navigated the trickiest waters other than a first kiss–the first doorstep scene.

Pat yourself on the back and go hop on Tinder for an ego boost…you deserve it.

Remember, you can assume it is okay, but never ever ever ever ever (rarely) ask a girl out on a second date at the end of a first date.

Always appropriate to tell them that you had a good time and would love to do it again, but to set up a second date right there…? Poor form.

But hey…then again, I’m 28 and single…what do I know? Let’s see what you guys said.
I polled a few places on Facebook and received 135 comments (44 being from @joshguessed…follow him for a myriad of semi-sporadic updates if you haven’t had enough of him) and here is the breakdown.

Chances of Winning a Super Bowl – Shrinking Dreams

by ZackAugust 3, 2014inspirationLeave a Comment

Chances are, you will remember when you were a kid you had dreams of being an astronaut, president and, in my case, a QVC host.

But why do those dreams shrink?

Why do we settle for a life that is simply satisfactory and chalk up our childish dreams to naivety?

True, we can “grow up” and realize we don’t love risk and shift our dreams—but it isn’t just that, see?

Our dreams don’t just shift, they shrink.

Why?

Well, because life happens. Our dreams are like a giant balloon and life is a maze of pins. We learn that the bigger our dreams, the harder it is to navigate through life because of the twists and turns provide the sharp reality of disappointments to burst our bubble. From grades to crushes to tryouts…life’s disappointments teach us that is it easier to deflate than navigate.

Let’s say you’re a young optimistic football player who dreams of making the high school team. People might encourage you, but they know something you might not: life. They know that an NFL career isn’t much of a career at all. Injuries mean that if you make it into the NFL AND make opening day roster, your career is less than 6 years (and less than 3 years by other estimates) (NFL).

But let’s just say that you make the high school football team.

Only 3-6% of high school football players will see ever the NCAA field—on any level, (D1-JC)
Only .3% of college players will be drafted (BI)

And with 32 teams in the NFL, 1 super bowl champion per year, an average of 7 teams winning every 10 years, with a 23% player turnover—only 2.5% of NFL players win a super bowl. (NFL)

So BEST case scenario you have a .000005% chance of winning super bowl. That means that once you make the cuts for the varsity high school football team, you have less than 1/200,000 of winning a super bowl.
You are almost 70x MORE likely to be struck by lightening. (National Geographic)

And guess what, since people love you, they don’t want to see you disappointed and hurt, so they will encourage you to become an accountant. Basically what happens from a kid optimistic about being president to him being 25 years in a dead-end job that he doesn’t like is simple: the gap. We learn that there is a gap between what we desire and what happens, ideal and real, our dreams and waking up. Curiosity fades as we find out that magic isn’t real, Santa doesn’t exist and almost everything we thought we could be, doesn’t happen. And if it does, we are convinced that it most certainly won’t happen to us. After all, we’re just not someone special.

But I had the great “luck” and privilege to call my hero, “dad.” He defied the odds.

Living under the same roof as a guy who played professional football for 14 years and won 3 super bowls I learned something…that SOMEone in 200,000 will do it.

Nelson Mandela said, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”

Why not you?

You know what fills that gap between dreams and reality? Hard work, persistence, dedication, consistency, optimism…and most of all belief.

My mother asked me one day why I didn’t just get a job instead of starting my own company and I told her, “Mother, if I don’t believe in myself, who else will?”

Thomas S Monson, “Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.” (“Living the Abundant Life,” Ensign, Jan 2012)

So does lightning strike? Ask my dad. And where does it strike? It strikes the place on the earth that is closest to the sky containing the most positive energy.

Put your head in the clouds and see what happens.

Don’t deflate your balloon of dreams to succumb to life’s hard and pointed facts, but rise above with belief! Because if you truly believe that you can defy the odds, chances are—you will.

Share this article with someone you think may need it.

A Letter to People Giving Singles a Hard Time

by ZackJuly 27, 2014July 29, 2014Single11 Comments

Dear Giving Older Singles a Hard Time,

Chances are, this letter is either to you or from you.

If it is to you, let me just say that I hope you don’t take offense. My intention is not to be hurtful, but explain to how your words have hurt others–and most likely with the best of intentions.

Who are “we?”

We are those that are single and above the “normal age” to marry. We aren’t gay. We don’t have porn problems. We aren’t bitter about our divorce. We aren’t obsessed with our careers. And we aren’t having too much fun. We just happen to be over 21 and not married. #puttingtheSINinSINGLE

You see, so many times, help is offered, but it just doesn’t come across very well. We don’t need set-ups with ugly friends (unless we are the ugly friend, then keep it coming), condescending advice (we’ve heard it, know it, try it, and some weirdo’s even blog about it), comments about us being selfish, text messages when someone mentions singles in general conference, telling us we are “stupid” when we break up with someone, or constant barrage of “why are you single?”

And most importantly (outside of a hospital), no one, ever needs to be asked, “What is wrong with you?” Ever. [period]

Now, what we do need is your support, love, kindness, understanding and sincere friendship.

Instead of incessantly indicating the individual intention that has been thus far elusive (a spouse), help us to see all that we have accomplished. Don’t dwell on the one failure (as you see it), shed a light on the many accomplishments (as we should see it). I’m not asking you to be a patronizing cheerleader, but rather reminding you of you when you were single.

When we go to sleep at night, we are woefully aware that we are single. And in those dark moments, often your question echoes in the chambers of an empty heart, ‘what is wrong with me?’

Well nothing is wrong with us. We are working and we will get “there,” whatever that “there” happens to be for us, but coming down on us for being single doesn’t help us get “there” any better.

Now, you may say this is unfair of us since we poke fun of ourselves. We put up our single life on the altar of easy jabs. We make the topic our target. But that target is really our shield. See, your comments pierced us a few times and we realized that there was no way to avoid it. So we put up a target as our shield–at least this way, we know it is coming. But it doesn’t mean that words never get through.

Some say that we are thinking of ourselves, we are too picky and that we are having too much fun. But if you saw the million rides we give to the airport, the long nights of comfort that are given, the hours spent working in the temple; if you saw the dreadful red flags of our dating pool, the emotionless first dates, the amount of people that we like who don’t like us at the same time; and oh, if you saw the aching hearts, tears and long nights of begging the Lord for comfort; if you saw all that (or maybe remembered), we think you would have a different perspective. And if you have lived through all of this, all the more reason for kindness before critique.

Know we are trying. We are trying to learn charity, trying to be open, trying to find the right person, trying to be the best person we can, and trying to distract ourselves occasionally because no…loneliness is not fun. And maybe marriage and parenting isn’t going to be this fairy tale awesomeness, but let’s all just lift each other up in whatever station we may be. We all have crosses that are barely bearable, but I feel we were put here to lighten the load, not add to it.

So before we finish, let me tell you why we’re even telling you this.

We wish we could say that your words don’t matter…but they do because, we look up to you. And even when words unintentionally cut, we know you want us to have an amazing family and want to help us get there.

Your love means so much, which is why we thought you might like to know how we feel.

Sincerely,

Honestly Trying

p.s. Let’s not make this awkward or dramatic. We aren’t breaking up with you–just thought our relationship needed a touch of honesty.

5 Steps to Trick Any Girl into a Second Date

by ZackJuly 20, 2014July 20, 2014Dates / Love2 Comments

Once you actually are ready to go on a first date with a girl, how do you make sure it is good enough to score a second? How do you not be a player but still play the game?

Here are five steps for a first date to ensure a second:

STEP 1: Ask her on a date.

Use the word “date” and give her a time you will pick her up. Don’t be late, you idiot.

STEP 2: Plan to keep it under 2 hours–60-90 min is ideal.

A quick dinner OR frozen yogurt OR crepes OR cupcakes (note there was no “and” there). If they aren’t wanting more, you gave them too much. DO NOT ask her ‘what she is doing on Thursday,’ but it is appropriate to gauge her interest by saying, ‘We should do this again sometime.’ A PDT (post date text) is another telltale sign you did step three right.

STEP 3: ONLY talk 20% of the time.

THIS is the biggest biggest biggest mistake guys make. (MORE ON THIS BELOW)

STEP 4: Don’t contact her for at least 1 day.

It shows that you aren’t too eager and have “stuff” going on.

STEP 5: Call her to ask her on a second date.

Yes, call her–(no text/fbook/text/snap/insta tag/group me/linked in/email/pigeon/page/singing telegram…okay, maybe a singing telegram, but call her too) and ask her to do something specific in a call under 5 min. For example, “[small chat]..but hey, I wanted to call to see if I can take you to grab a bite to eat and to the nicklecade this week!”

If you follow these five steps and she says “No,” either she’s a troll or you are. If she is, good riddance (thank you, Google for letting me know it isn’t “good riddens”…that could have been embarrassing if people knew I had no idea how to even pronounce that right, much less spell it #closecall). She would make a terrible mother. If you are a troll…well…don’t know what to tell you, buddy. Shoot lower? But really though, you’re fine. Just keep trying. (The five steps don’t actually work for “any” girl, that was just to get you to click on this article.)

Okay…so why should you only talk 20% of the time?

First, everyone loves talking about themselves, so she will have a great time.

Second, you will appear slightly mysterious.

Third, and most importantly, the only reason you would want to go on a second date with her is because you like her. She doesn’t ask you on a second date; you ask her. And the only way that you are going to find out if you like her is by learning about her…which comes from, class? That’s right! HER talking, not you. So learn about her on the first date and and do talking 50-50 for the next two dates. (You will find that you will ease back into that 20% thing very involuntarily quickly if the relationship progresses.)

So you can charm your way onto a first date, trick a girl to a second date and maybe even convince a girl on a third date…but that’s when the game ends and you are just left with you. The common misunderstanding is that “the game” is meant to fool someone into falling for you–but it isn’t, it is to break down the initial walls to see if love is even there. These five steps help do just that.

So play on, because the game is over when love takes the field.

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Three Symptoms and Remedies of Post-BreakUp Loneliness

by ZackJuly 13, 2014Break ups / GendersLeave a Comment

The days and weeks after a breakup can be confusing, frustrating and depressing. The pangs of loneliness lead your little lost heart to a land that ranges from unhealthy to introspective…namely, missing.

But what kind of missing is it, really? The misdiagnosis of loneliness had resulted in dire side effects such as contracting desperateness or being contaminated with douchitis.

After years of observations, I’ve tried to take an outside, sterile and semi-scientific (not at all scientific) perspective by removing all emotions (impossible) to analyze a breakup, both from primary, secondary and Nicolas Sparks. The current hypothesis: there are three types of “missing,” or loneliness, and it is CRITICAL that we do not confuse the three to appropriately treat the ailment.

1) Loneliness because you miss the friendship

Symptoms: Typically a flavor of loneliness found in the female variety. The male is easy to adapt and move on. Females will often call the males through private messages, usually to just “chat” when they are driving home or doing their laundry. Males consider this “torture.” After a certain amount of time, it appears the relationship loses its excitement and moves into a comfortable rhythm. It is at this point that a breakup occurs, leaving the party who initiated the “time apart” to feel like they just lost a friend…because they did. And they need to deal with that and not drag people along.

Remedies: It is prescribed that males go to the movies, do not reach out and find someone else. Females…just remember, sometimes the meanest thing you can be is nice.

2) Loneliness because you miss A relationship

Symptoms: Both genders of humans tend to desire to be loved. It is a foreign concept that often has roots in “daddy-issues.” There is a comfort and security that is craved, so after a breakup, both males and females will begin to call old flings and those they had on their proverbial “back burner even though they said they had ‘eyes for no one else, baby.'”

Remedies: Go kiss someone. Anyone will do. The dosage will depend on how much the severity of pain within the chest cavity, but typically one to two doses of a light NCMO or “summer loving,” as it is often called, within one week of the emotional trauma will aid in the healing process. (…and then go get in touch with yourself because you need to learn how to be good with being just you before you can be a good you+1)

3) Loneliness because you miss THAT relationship

Symptoms: Measured by a frequent glossy-eyed look typical in crying, sad contemplation or pent up frustration. This can be the source of listening to “your song,” the desire to contact the other party, looking at their profile on Facebook to see if they are hanging out with that ratchet you are sure they like, and/or hoping that every time that stupid blinkey light is flashing on your phone it is some form of communication from them.

Remedies: Inconclusive… (other than disabling that stupid little blinkey thing.)

In the final analysis, it has been determined that looking for alternative methods of human companionship, limiting contact and genuinely hoping the best for the other party are the only ways to establish an environment to allow the next relationsperiment to germinate properly.

A Caution for Kindness: Girls, DO NOT Do This

by ZackJuly 6, 2014Break ups / Dates2 Comments

Sometimes, the meanest thing you can be is nice.

Before I get into this I just need to say something: this post is going to be a little harsh, but I am speaking on behalf of men and not angrily to one girl. (I’ve already forgiven you…if you’re even reading this…and based on how often you still contact me…you probably are.)

Girls:

You met a guy. He is super nice and you rated him a 7 at first, but after a few date found out that you actually kind of like him. You are worried that maybe he isn’t the most attractive and isn’t terribly social and doesn’t have a solid career path, but you know that he deserves a chance and while you aren’t quite over your ex, you realize that you need to move on and he is the guy that has been pursuing and not to mention that you just kissed and so think that you are ready to DTR into a positive place.

GUYS:

The girl actually likes you. She is kind of out of your league, but she laughs at your jokes and if you can get her to like you enough before she realizes that you are a closet-gamer, then you could really make this into something special.

And time goes on…dating starts and maybe even a little kissing, who knows?

But there is only so long a duck and an eagle can be together before the eagle feels like they are being held back and the break up ensues.

Now is where things get awful.

The girl says that things aren’t working and still wants to be friends. The guy blubbingly agrees because…well, what else is he supposed to say?

Then the girl takes the whole “friends” literally, something the guy had NO intention of doing. She is lonely, so she calls him to talk, text, and occasionally lunch. Just to be nice.

NICE?! Seriously?

You think staying a part of his life and reminding him that he wasn’t good enough for you to help you not feel lonely is “nice?”

Just leave the poor guy alone. In three years you will be married or not talking. Stop pretending you can keep your “buddy” who really likes you when you have a husband. You are doing nothing but selfishly parading around your broken heart–which you, all by yourself, took a hammer to. You martyr yourself and make him bear the cross. You are l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y (not literally) killing them with kindness.

The game is a catch and release. Not catch and drag him, hook in mouth, all the way back to shore.

The only difference between your loneliness and his is that you know there isn’t a chance for the future–he doesn’t. Empty hope has tried and dried more hearts a thousand times over than breakups ever have.

Non-sexist Note: The same goes for guys towards girls…it is just a lot more rare because the guy, well, quite frankly the guy just forgets about the girl and finds someone else. #sorrywedontcaremore

Snarky Note: Yeah, I know that blubbingly isn’t a word, you gallyfrudge.

A Classic Tale: Tinderella Meets Mr Right (Swipe)

by ZackJune 30, 2014June 30, 2014Family / inspiration / Tinder7 Comments

In a 50 years from last Saturday, a bright eyed grandchild is going to sit at the feet of my cousin during a family gathering of her and her husband’s golden anniversary and ask, “How did you and grandpa meet?”

“Well once upon a time…” and she will proceed to tell a big flaming lie. (A story of a blind date will do just fine.)

After all, how is this young child in 2064 even going to understand a smartphone, an app, and especially TINDER???

This last weekend, I was able to attend the temple marriage of my cousin and, yes, her tinder match. It was a beautiful ceremony filled with family, love and two very “excited” over-dated LDS now-former singles.

In my reflection on each of our fairy tales, I realized that our glass slipper often slips between our fingers and our knight in shining armor gallops by as we are sitting and waiting for…for…well…for something else.

What else, though?

Why not tinder? Why not a blind date? Why not long distance? Why not a leap of faith?

Because it is not what we thought it would be. It isn’t Godot enough. We ll we can wake up from that dreamland right now, because it hardly ever is Godot enough.

Look back at every good thing that has happened to you in life and tell me what percentage of those things were exactly what you thought they would be? For me, personally, it has been very very few. I have been so blessed by the most unexpected and have allowed some of the most amazing opportunities pass me by.

I haven’t found any magic beans, but the seeds of relationships that have grown organically have grown into something that I could have never fabricated through a calculated dating game. They happened in spite, or despite, of my efforts. (Granted, had I not put IN the efforts, nothing would have happened, but alas, this is another blog post.)

So if your heated relationships have fallen cold and now you have a burning urge to fuel the fire of love–find a potential match, strike up a conversation, and see if there are sparks to kindle a potential flame…even if it is on tinder (i’m just going to say, that sentence was a lot harder to write than it looks–11pts).

For in the end, waiting for what you are expecting can’t hold a candle to a 50-year start on a true happily forever and ever after.

To Ana and Christian, here’s to you and doing what no one ever expected (namely, getting Ana married before me). May this love propel you into true everlasting burnings.

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How do I know I love my Spouse? Part 2: The Answer

by ZackJune 23, 2014Love2 Comments

As a guy who is 28 and single, first of all, I realize that I know nothing about marriage, but I do know a lot of people who do. This post represents an analysis of over 100 interviews, comments, emails and messages. From newlyweds to couples of 60 years, from widows to taxi drivers, from rockstar couples to divorcees…I asked the same question: “How do/did you know you love(d) your spouse?”

Over the last year, I began to see a pattern that surprised me.

All of the answers boiled down to one word:

Work.

Work was the answer.

“Work…?”

Work.

After the butterflies flew away and there was nothing left but barren cocoons of a passionate memory, many people wondered where the love went. Almost every single interview mentioned this moment of feeling like they “lost” the love. Many of these people worked to find it and discovered that love hadn’t flown away, but it moved. (Some who got divorced realized it wasn’t what they wanted after they found it, but that is an entirely new post..or blog.)

It moved from getting love to giving love. It evolved and matured from a fleeting fluttering feeling to a candid concrete commitment. It took work to find it and it took work to keep it.

Those people who still loved their spouse said they knew it because they still worked at it, even though, at times, they didn’t want to.

But what is “work” in marriage?

A little child said, “I know that daddy loves mommy because when she broke her arms, he wiped her butt.”

Gordon B Hinckley shared a (somewhat) similar sentiment, “A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion” (“What God Hath Joined Together,” Ensign, May 1991).

One of the greatest guys I know who has one of the best marriages I’ve seen told me his secret, “As a married couple, we need to keep doing those little special things we did when we were dating…compliments, spontaneous dates, wild make-out sessions, etc.” And while I’m pretty excited for the “etc” part of all that, I can see the “work” aspect takes time, thought and energy.

Those who know they love their spouse still work at it.

If you are wondering if love is there, work to find it.

If you have it, work to keep it.

If you don’t, work on being ready for it.

Do you have a dream to make a wonderful marriage your reality? I am starting to discover, that once the butterflies fly away and realize that the cocoons remain, it comes down to another one of Gordon B Hinckley’s beautiful thoughts:

“Work is the miracle by which…dreams become reality.”
So if you will indulge me to give myself a dose of advice, ‘Don’t worry…things will work out.’

How Do You Know You Still Love Your Spouse?

by ZackJune 15, 2014June 22, 2014Family / Love9 Comments

About a year ago, I realized I had been lying to myself…I had been dating to date, dating to cure boredom, dating to spend time with fun people and, occasionally, even dating to blog.

But whatever I was doing, I certainly wasn’t dating to marry, as I had been professing.

An endless procession of tidy first dates would do the trick to keep the facade while hiding the fear.

When I realized this, I asked myself what my big fear was. What was keeping me from opening up?

And the answer was quite simple.

You see, I was afraid of falling out of love.

I was afraid of succumbing to the fate of no many around me. The rough bumps and ends to marriage inundated my social media while the low-lit bits of lasting love were locked in the layers of mild moments and simple smiles for which words seem too inadequate and public proclamations too cheap. I was barraged with the tough and blind to the tender.

So I set out to change my perspective, my heart and my fear.

With so many of my friends that have gone through so much heartache after faltering and failed marriages, I began my quest to find the magic hidden in marriage–understanding that it is never a fairy-tale. I set out to ask married people two simple questions:

“How do you know you still love your spouse?”

“What is the key to a successful marriage?”

I asked newlyweds of a week, widowers who had been married for over 60 years, taxi drivers, grandparents, my parents, friends–everyone who’s ear I could borrow. All in all, I have asked over 100 people during the last year.

To the second question I get the same answer over and over and over: the key to a successful marriage is work. Work to serve the other, work to keep things exciting, work to show appreciation…wonderful work.

The answers to the first have varied and have been fascinating, but before I go into what they said, I am curious to hear what you, here on fathers day especially, have to say.

If you are married, how do you know you still love your spouse?

If you are single, how would you HOPE to answer this question?

I’ll put together a follow-up blog post on all the results.

But I will say this much–after this last year of research, I am no longer afraid of marriage. It seems to me to be like a garden. A veritable heaven on earth that brings joy and happiness and peace…if, and only if, tended after.

Bowl of Oates

Author: Zack