The Most Cowardly Way to Break Up: SABOTAGE


drink grinch

I was in my second week of dating this wonderful girl who had things together, but for some reason, I wanted to break up. I guess I wasn’t ‘feeling it,’ whatever that means.


The was one small problem: I was chicken liver sissy pants scared.


So I did the only self-respecting thing there was to do, something that you all have done, something that plagues our generation like selfie-itis–I sabotaged.


I convinced her I hated Christmas…her favorite thing in the world.


I told her I hated Christmas music, trees, cinnamon smell, fires, movies, santa…everything.


She, realizing this could very well be a sign that I was a complete moron, dumped me.


A sigh of relief washed over me.


See, this way, I can get sympathy for being dumped, not make her feel bad for getting dumped AND still be single!


A disgustingly sourly(?) sickening success.


But on the way home I suddenly had a realization (be it from God or common sense, I’m not sure): Zack, you are going to be single for the rest of your life, you twit.


Why did I just do that? I thought. Oh man…this was a huge mistake!!!


I explained to her that I actually loved Christmas. Everything about it. Well, okay, I don’t like setting up the tree, but besides that, EVERYthing. I confessed that I had just gotten scared that things were getting more serious and I wanted her to break up with me. But now I realize that I do like her and I don’t have to be scared and that there was no need to break up! We could stay together!


She, realizing this was a sign that I was a complete moron…reaffirmed her dumping me.


#foreveralone (#fornow)


Lesson Learned: Don’t be a coward. Own up to your fears. Own up to your feelings. It is okay to be scared, but talk about it with the person you are dating, don’t run. Just because you get cold feet doesn’t mean you should amputate them. Relationship sabotage only is stabbing your own back.



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2 thoughts on “The Most Cowardly Way to Break Up: SABOTAGE

  1. I’m quite curious: Was this a recent sabotage? It sounds like perhaps you 1) weren’t the best match for each other anyways, 2) were not ready for commitment, thus the “still be single!” or 3) maybe you secretly really DO hate Christmas?

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