Zack – Page 9 – Bowl of Oates

You Suck at Dating–And That’s Awesome

by ZackJanuary 25, 2015January 26, 2015Dates / Family4 Comments

I was talking to one of my friends recently about her dating life.

She has been having a hard time.

And granted, she probably should.

After all, she is a pretty bad dater.

“Zack, I feel like there is a big neon sign saying ‘I Suck.’” she said, almost in tears, “I don’t know how to play the dating game. Can you teach me?”

As I was contemplating what I could say to her to impart, if but a parcel, of my bounteous wisdom [insert ‘gafaugh’ in an nasally pretentiously obnoxious laugh] in dating…I had a realization that stung me to the core with honest introspection.

All of the things that make her really bad at dating…make for a really good spouse and parent.

She is genuine.

She puts time into things.

She throws her whole heart into any relationship.

She is committed.

She is generous.

She is kind.

All of the things that someone may do to be “good” at dating…make for really crappy spouse and parent.

They use manipulation.

They pretend to be too busy.

They hold back their emotions.

They keep options open.

They get physical.

They don’t care.

One must ask, “What is the POINT of dating?”

Now there are the things that people do along the way, but the end game, the honeypot of dating…really, what is the point of dating?

Marriage.

And a good one, at that.

Let’s stop playing the dating game. Let’s start playing for keeps. Let’s unlearn the dating game.

So what was my advice to her?

While she may not go on as many dates, may not be as good of a flirt and might not appear to be as self confident as others who are ‘professionals’ at the dating game…she is much closer to marriage than any of them.

No, that sign certainly isn’t for her.

So if you are a good person, don’t worry about being a bad dater.

Daters gunna date (date date date date so shake it off).

The rest…well, I’m pretty sure that is what marriage is for.

3 Realizations Proved I was COMPLETLEY Wrong about the Heart and Brain

by ZackJanuary 11, 2015January 12, 2015Love / Single1 Comment

Last week I posted (whined) about how hard it is for the heart and the brain to agree. I asserted that this alignment is a capricious occurrence concocted in a clandestine conspiracy between cupid and chance.

With my emotional hands flaking at the heavens I blogged:

‘The lucky get it.

The rest of us stay single.’

Well….BOOHOO.

I RECANT! I offer this post as my confession and my newfound philosophical ideology as my restitution.

THE TRUTH: After a few fundamentals are fulfilled, the heart and brain CAN be willed into deep, abiding, true love…while not every time, I do believe that it is possible!

REALIZATION ONE: There is SCIENCE in the mystery of love.

In a recent NY Times article, Mandy Len Catron, a professor, cites how she fell in love with her partner: science.

Not like they are nerds and fell in love after meeting on WoW; but that they answered a series of 36 questions developed by a group of scientists to help people fall in love, followed by 4 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

(Maybe there is something to this, eh?)

REALIZATION TWO: You can FIGHT to love.

After posting last week about my victimized situation to a fickle mind and a stubborn heart, I had a friend email me an admission that she, too, ran from so many relationships due to a misalignment of emotion and logic—until she chose not to.

She got sick of running, so when she met this guy and it was a typical situation where everything made sense, but nothing felt right, she stood up to fate.

Instead of running, she fought.

She poured her heart out to the Lord she worked and laid it all on the line.

And now…she is married, madly in love and called that fight the “best decision [she’s] ever made.”

And doesn’t that make sense? The more you work for something, often, the more important that thing becomes. And then it becomes

REALIZATION THREE: A Large part of love really is CHOICE.

As it has been said, choose your love, then love your choice.

I never understood that until this week.

We must choose to open our heart.

…choose to be ready for love.

…choose to have faith in marriage.

Then, realizing that there will be problems, heartache, frustrations and unexpected turns—be willing to take responsibility for our choice.

For if I’m constantly waiting for this supernatural inexplicable alignment of the stars, then it isn’t my love, it is a love forced upon me by an outside force.

But, after things make sense, love is a choice.

It is my choice.

It is our choice.

So let’s use faith to fight fate.

Does fate sometime step in and lend a hand?

Sure.

But I, for one (a long single one), am not waiting around to get lucky. 😉

If you are in love, choose to stay there.

If you aren’t, well…let’s choose to get there.

Heart vs Brain – The Hit by Hit Showdown

by ZackJanuary 4, 2015January 11, 2015LoveLeave a Comment

heart vs brain dating

UPDATE: After reading this (or before, if you must), please read my new post about how this is completely wrong.

It feels so right, but doesn’t make sense (heart no brain)…and somehow I move forward.

It makes perfect sense, but doesn’t feel right (brain no heart)…and somehow I walk away.

WHY?!

Why can’t it just all work out?!

Well because the heart and the brain are two very different parts of the love machine.

The brain directs as the steering wheel.

The heart moves as the gas pedal.

I have met these girls that were just hot messes. Nothing made sense….but we just had that chemistry. My heart was in it. And I went forward. The brain just had to catch up and try to make sense of things as I fumbled my way around a relationship with them.

When your heart is in it, your brain just has to just figure it out.

I have also met girls that were just perfect. Their families and I got along great, they wanted to save the world, they were independently wealthy, models, spiritual…I mean the only red flag was that they were interested in me. BUT…there just wasn’t that spark. My brain was pointing me in the right direction, but I was moving as fast as a junkyard brick.

When your brain is driving solo, your heart is out to lunch with the keys.

It really is that frustrating.

It really is that simple.

Love is that mercurial mystery that builds the bridge between the largest chasm known to human-kind: the 12 inch gap between the brain and the heart.

When those two line up, so do the stars.

So be patient.

I believe that there will come a time when it will happen. That day where the car will be pointed in the right direction with the pedal to the medal.
I only hope I don’t crash before then.

A Plea from the Ass

by ZackDecember 22, 2014December 22, 2014Single3 Comments

The most common question I get when people find out that I have a dating blog is, ‘How is that for your dating life?’

Come on.

They know the answer.

There is just some sadistic curiosity to hear it right from the ass’s mouth, so to speak.

I mean, it’s like asking someone who is in prison for insider trading, ‘How is that for your business life?’

Terrible.

Just terrbl.

But I have enough clandestine conversations to know that I’m not alone in my thinking. There are tons of us.

Tons of…you’s.

Yes, I analyze dating too much.

I suffer from the greener grass syndrome.

I have a list of do’s and don’t’s.

I even have a list of girls written down in my wallet at any given time.

But guess what?

So does everyone, so to speak.

You might not blog about your analysis.

You may not post semi-humorous-slash-cynical posts to your Facebook about the ‘next best’ thing.

You haven’t published your rules.

And you probably don’t have a running list in your literal back pocket.

Now while that may be true—you DO analyze, look for better, have implicit rules and have a tally! You just probably don’t write it down and share it with the world.

#smartmove

Here is the problem, all of that stuff melts away as you are getting to know someone and falls above the deal breaker curve (as explained in the Law of Diminishing Deal Breakers).

But for us who have chosen to volunteer as tribute, choose to wear the cloak of a target and make ourselves a sacrificial martyr to dating stigmas, can I ask, especially during this wonderful Christmas season…can you give us a shot?

It won’t take much, I (sort of) promise…just a little bit of extra eye rolls and a lot bit of patience.

Because when people ask me about this blog and my dating life, I often will joke back to them, ‘Oh dating is great with this blog! It keeps me single. After all, it is a dating blog—marriage is just bad for business.’

But some day, I would like to retire from blogging about dating and have this bowl of oates graduate into something a little more hearty. Because without the sugar, a bowl of oates is pretty bland.

So here is to a sweet Christmas season and revived hope!

Part 2 of Diminishing Deal Breakers: The Doubt of the Benefit

by ZackDecember 7, 2014December 9, 2014Break ups / Dates / inspiration3 Comments

As you may recall, this chart depicts how you should act when dating: keep things below the line and don’t be yourself too quickly—that is, if you are kinda…”unique.”

BUT, this chart isn’t just about you giving a slow reveal of your oddness, it also can help you in understanding your feelings for someone you are dating.

See a few years ago, before I understood this chart, I asked this girl out. She was beautiful, fun and seemed to be pretty cool.

Then she revealed that she hates hot tubs.

…on a first date.

“WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HATE HOT TUBS?!”

I told her, “It goes 1.Religion, 2.Families 3.Hot tubs.” She disagreed.

I never asked her out again.

To me, that fell above the line and entered the “Drop Zone” during “Stage 1-Feeling it Out.”

But in retrospect, I was ridiculous! To stop going out someone because they hate hot tubs? #facepalm

It is one thing to dislike something that I like, but the big question is WHY! See, not liking hot tubs falls into the “Seriously?!” category (for me) which, if I would have invested a little more time or discovered a little more emotional connection, would not have been a deal breaker at all, for I would have progressed to “Stage 2-Feeling Good” and it would then be below the deal breaker line.

The process of falling in love with someone is simply understanding them.

That understanding doesn’t come though knowing WHAT they do/don’t do or like/don’t like, but though a deeper appreciation of WHY they do/don’t do or like/don’t like.

Take the hot tub hater, for example. People understand and love her deeply. She has best friends, siblings, parents, (now her husband who is “Stage 3-Feeling Sure”) and yeah, especially God, who thinks that she is the best most incredible person. And I didn’t get a chance to see why they think that because of a ‘heated’ debate. I was too immature to look beyond the curve into “Stage 2” where I could have seen her for the amazing person she is.

Shame on me!

We often get so caught up in the deal breakers that we forget one important fact: once the relationship strength increases, our concern often won’t even be a deal breaker—hence, the Law of DIMINISHING Deal Breakers. The further you progress, the less things will throw you off.

Have a few nonnegotiables, and then it all comes down to this: give a person the benefit of the doubt—until they give you reason enough to doubt the benefit.

And this goes well beyond dating, keep in mind. This is about humanity.

Next time you look at an old person, realize that one time they were held as a baby.

When you see the quiet person, remember that they have made people laugh until they cried.

As you meet everyone, assume they are trying to be good.

For in the end…don’t we hope that they can look at us the same?

“The Power of Starting Something Stupid”

by ZackNovember 23, 2014November 23, 2014inspirationLeave a Comment

making family memoires

I saw a performance of Our Town, by Thornton Wilder recently. It is a 1938 Pulitzer Prize winner, which is about an ordinary town and ordinary people living a quite ordinary life. Near the end of the play, one of the main characters dies and goes back just to see one day from her past. She finds herself distraught with what she learns after observing breakfast on her 12^th birthday. She says,

“Let’s really look at one another!…It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed…

“Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover’s Corners….Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking….and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths….and sleeping and waking up.

“Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you.

“Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it–every, every minute?”

These lines shot into my heart, forming a crater to be filled with sincere introspection.

I am so grateful for the small moments and thinking about how life is grand because we make it such.

The world is beautiful because we let flowers grow.

The sky is wondrous because we look up.

Relationships are sweet because we stop focusing on the bitter long enough to taste a hint of eternal.

Memories are made because we appreciated a moment.

For truly, the only thing we carry with us after this life are relationships and memories.

So let’s build some relationships.

Let’s make some memories.

Let’s live the good ol’ days when we’re still in them.

And yeah, let’s start something stupid.

Richie Norton, an inspiring and uplifting author and speaker wrote this book called, “The Power of Starting Something Stupid.” (Highly recommended to all.)

The book is, in essence, about living right now and the power that we have to live up to our potential every, every minute.

I hope you’ll join me in starting something stupid, something ‘just because,’ something quite…ordinary. For those are the things that make up life—and life is made up of relationships and memories.

Join me tomorrow as I begin to start something stupid and launch my next business. You can learn more at OOTFIT.com, but until tomorrow, just hold onto your shirts. This is going to be a Wilder ride than usual.

I am so grateful for the power of life and the chance we are afforded to use liberty and love to create something worth living.

Why NOT Now? Let’s Stop Waiting Before It’s too Late.

by ZackNovember 17, 2014November 18, 2014inspiration2 Comments

It was fall 2008. I was in my last year of college with big dreams of making a difference in the world…but just—later in life. After my business sold. After my first million. After I retired. After…

It was at this time that I randomly met a girl on a campus bench; I had never seen her before nor since. We talked about changing the world and I shared with her my plans to do so later in life.

Then she asked me a simple question: “Why not now?”

My mindset was forever changed.

As a result of that interaction, five students and I started Courage to Hope to help victims of domestic violence in Ukraine. Thousands of assisted individuals, hundreds of volunteers and 6 years later…we still aren’t waiting. Now, I don’t say that to hold myself up, but rather as an expression of thanks to that divine piece of advice given by an angelic stranger.

This last week was a tough one.

My precious little 14-year old cousin ran away. After a massive hunt, she was found lying in a dried up canal by her father…she didn’t make it through the cold night.

Losing someone so close to me has created a resurgence of responsibility—responsibility to live up to my potential this moment.

In different words and with a deeply Christian backdrop, I quote a leader of the LDS church, Dallin H Oaks, “If we knew we would meet the Lord tomorrow—through our premature death or through His unexpected coming—what would we do today? What confessions would we make? What practices would we discontinue? What accounts would we settle? What forgivenesses would we extend? What testimonies would we bear?

“If we would do those things then, why not now?” (read the whole talk here)

Why NOT now?

Recently, I asked a friend what he would do if he had a billion dollars. He said he would start a company. I was floored. “You do realize,” I asked, “that it takes like $25 bucks to do that?”

He had always just figured that he had to wait.

He doesn’t.

And neither do we.

Why not start that company now?

Why not ask forgiveness of a friend now?

Why not write that book now?

Why not ask that girl out now?

For me, usually, it is for one of two reasons:

I am afraid.
I am confined.

BREAK DOWN THAT FEAR! Realize that you can succeed and realize that you don’t have to do something just because other people before you did it a certain way.

So let’s stop pretending that the wise wait while the foolish fall. Poppycock!

No, let’s not wait any more.

Now is the time to do good in the world.

Now is the time to say thank you.

Now is the time to pick up that pen.

Now is the time to stop waiting.

Now is the time to reach out to that one person before they run away.

So what in the world are we waiting for? The world is already waiting for us.

No really though..like this very moment. Before your next click. Before you exit this page. Before you move on to your next task.

Remember… now is your potential.

The Law of Diminishing Deal Breakers (Part 1)

by ZackNovember 9, 2014November 9, 2014Break ups / Dates3 Comments

Last week we talked about how it is important to be ourselves in dating and not trick people into falling for us.

The chart below is explains why we have a hard time being ourselves—because we aren’t supposed to!

It is called The Law of Diminishing Deal Breakers.

The law states that the correlation between the relationship strength and the severity of the deal breaker is a Gompertz function (“S-curve” (thanks Google)) where the further you progress in the relationship, the greater the concern must be in order to become a legitimate “deal breaker”.

“Relationship strength” is defined by the time invested multiplied by the emotional connection. It isn’t just about connection or time, but both!

Anything that falls into the “Drop Zone” is out like a fat kid in dodge ball.

Everything in the “Go Zone” is on like Donkey Kong.

The severity of the deal breaker is a subjective parameter by the evaluating party.

Let’s understand this from the perspective of being observed.

STAGE 1: Feeling it Out

On a first date I don’t mention the fact that I have leopard sheets, hot tamale PJ’s, bear claw slippers and a little mermaid pillow case…that’s a little too much into the “Seriously?!” boundary.

So keep it normal at the start—even (especially) if you aren’t.

Now this does not mean to lie. If you don’t like parties, you don’t have to say, ‘I hate parties and everyone that goes to them because they are stupid!’ You can say, ‘I would rather do something else next time if that is okay.’

Stage 2: Feeling Good

It is at this stage that you can begin to explore a little bit of letting them get to know your quirks. Your weird ‘alone in the car’ habits may be a little too soon here, but start to test the waters with the number of shoes you have, your disdain for open cupboards and your fetish with pulling out nose hairs.

Stage 3: Feeling Sure

This can be called in the bag—brown paper bag, that is. Regardless of how strong your relationship is, everyone has a limit of what they are willing to handle. Remember that last time you got paper bags with three jugs of milk in it? Yup. Hard pass. Things like killing people, SUPER [censored] internet habits or sneezing into you hand instead of your elbow would fall into this category.

Moral of the story:

As my mother always tells me, “Zack, don’t not be you…just…be—less of you.”

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Stop Lying in Dating…yeah YOU.

by ZackNovember 2, 2014November 3, 2014Dates9 Comments

I had been going out with this girl for a few weeks and we were starting to get a little more serious—becoming more comfortable with each other. One Saturday we went on a pretty casual date to play sports, hit up the hot tub and then off to grab a bite.

By eating time, it was late. We were both tired and hungry.

About 15 min into the dinner I had a sudden rush of fear.

‘Oh no! She hasn’t laughed the entire time I’ve been sitting here! I’m a terrible date!’

And that is when it hit me.

‘No…’ I though, ‘I’m just comfortable.‘

See, I’ve realized recently that on so many of my dates, I’ve been lying.

And so have you.

We lie when we are going out to a dance party and having a blast when we really want to be home watching Netflix.

We lie when we open doors for women only for the first few dates.

We lie when we say that we aren’t picky about restaurants and then end up only liking one place.

We lie when we read intellectually stimulating books just to say that we did.

So let’s all just stop.

Stop pretending.

Too many guys have married a chill girl only to find out she was bat-tart crazy.

Too many girls have married a perfect guy only to discover he is a total creeper and abusive.

On the not so sever side, too many have dated a really fun person to find out they are super lame—a movie goer who hates movies—a partier who hates parties—a person who is only being what they think the other person wants.

Just be you.

Don’t stop trying…but be honest.

Because I promise, you are worth being loved and will be loved; but the problem is when people fall in love with what you want them to think you are.

You are worth it…all by yourself.

Yes, it’s okay to be tired and hungry and NOT funny.

It’s okay to have a bad day.

It’s okay to even be a little vulnerable.

You aren’t on some stage trying to entertain your date with a character portrayal of everything they want—you are sitting at dinner with someone who just wants to be with you.

So let’s try to improve ourselves, but be honest with who we are because there is no role in the act of love for liars.

Thanks for reading!

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A Big LIE: Vulnerability is NOT Being Open

by ZackOctober 26, 2014inspirationLeave a Comment

We live in a world with such thick facades, that often vulnerability is relinquished to late night TED talk viewing of Brené Brown as opposed to a public explanation and exploration of emotions.

When we get dumped, we post a photo of us out on the town (by ourselves).

When we get fired, we tweet about not being tied down (while waiting in line at unemployment).

When we fail an exam, we pin a pic about new doors opening (while eating ice cream in our bathroom).

But when we post that we had a tough day, we get unfriended.

So today, I hope you will take a leap of vulnerability with me.

I recently realized that the real key to vulnerability is not telling someone you fell when life gives you an unexpected bend, but allowing them to help you get up.

Yes, vulnerability is…

…not opening up to someone, but leaning on them.

…not asking for an ear, but asking for support.

…not posting for likes, but pleading for love.

That is tough.

[Story time.]

This summer I cried.

Not like a Susan Boyle YouTube video watch for the 50^th time type good cry…but like a this-is-hard-type cry.

Do you know where I went?

To my grandma’s grave.

Yeah.

My dead grandmother is the only one whom I trusted enough to hear me cry. (This, by the way, is not saying anything about my friends, but about myself.)

But don’t we all do that?

Don’t we shy away from the real emotions lest we are perceived as being a downer or an emotional leech or maybe worse…needy [gasp]?!

And guess what?

It is okay to lean on someone. It is okay to admit you aren’t perfect. It is okay to just be you—even if you feel you aren’t quite strong enough to admit you are weak. For when you are weak, then you are strong (2Cor. 12:10).

Now for those brave almost ADD’d out souls who are still reading, a message: You are loved. You are cared about. You are known. There are those who WANT to support you—let them.

When words are too scary to say and trust is too fragile to give and hearts are too soft to share—it is at that moment that you are understood most.

And when you feel alone and don’t want to lean on someone, let that become a springboard to make you better. Push on that wall of fear so hard, with the help of your friends, family and God, that it is pushed over into a ramp to launch you up to the better version of you.

“For by the sadness of the countenance, the heart is made better” (Eccl. 7:3)