“What is Wrong with You?” Love.

cupid killing
Cupid doesn’t always have the best shot.

So I have three new years resolution in 2014 having to do with my dating life…

 

The first is to not make out, unless I get married.

 

The second is to make out. 😉

 

The third needs some set-up (don’t we all).

 

Setting the stage:  You have been crushing on this person for ages (or since the start of the semester a few weeks ago). You tell your roommates about them, you might even jot their name down in your journal so that you have something to show as proof to your grandkids in 50 years when you tell them that things ‘really were different when I met my sweetheart.’

 

Well, the other thing leads to the one and you finally find yourself on a date with them. The butterflies start to flutter as the time approaches. When the door opens though, you don’t really feel much…but you keep a positive attitude. The blink theory isn’t always right, after all.

 

You find out that you have so much in common and everything on paper works….except for the fact that you are thinking about what episode of Antiques Road Show you will watch that night on Netflix instead of being honestly engaged in conversation.

 

You just aren’t feeling it.

 

You get home and your roommates inevitably beg for details. With a shameless shrug and a sacrificial sigh, you reluctantly reveal your discovered disillusionment (4x2points).

 

“It just isn’t there.”

 

With a frustrated grunt, the tough love comes out (less because love is tough and more because they are upset that they were home one episode ahead of you on A.R.S. and you were on a date).

 

“What is wrong with you?” they say. “Why can’t you just like this person?”

 

Frustration mounts within you. And you tell yourself, ‘I am so stupid! Why can’t I just like this person?!’ And two months later of dating and spending hundreds of dollars, you finally admit that much to your brain’s dismay, your heart has, and always will, win.

 

End of (relationship) scene.

 

We try time and time again to date people who were perfect on paper, but who, in the end, we don’t actually want to date. But why? Why do we work so hard at falling in love? As I have said before, falling in love doesn’t take work, but staying in love does.

 

i want you to kiss me And still, I try to date girls I don’t love and I have had girls really try to date me when there wasn’t much there. I had one girl tell me that I was a “wet keg of gunpowder…everything is there that I want—but just no spark.”

So here is my third new years reLOVEution: I am not blaming myself for not loving someone and not taking offense when someone doesn’t love me.

 

(There is one caveat to this: that I keep open to love—because while I cannot choose whom I will love, I can choose to not love.)

 

So listen, don’t get down on yourself because your logic and emotion disagree, but be happy that you are not progressing down a big mistake. For love is the bridge that connects the widest chasm in the world: the 15-inch gap between the brain and the heart.

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13 thoughts on ““What is Wrong with You?” Love.

        1. I can’t decide to love someone, I can decide to work at love, which could develop love, but in the end, i do not choose to love. It is like a rose, sometimes, I can plan and try to grow, but it just won’t. I give love a chance, work at it and then, in the end, see if it grows or not.

          1. So I guess I have a follow up question to your response. What kind of love are you talking about? Within a romantic setting there are different aspects to “love.” Physical attraction, which we all have innate likes and dislikes, is one and that sounds like what you might be referring to. I agree that we can, and should, work on love to develop it, but love is a choice. Love is comprised of charity and attraction to the body and personality, among other things. Attraction….less so. Attraction is just one aspect, and usually not charity. Also, thinking that love is not a choice and that we just “fall into love” promotes the soul mate mentality, which is not with church doctrine. If we can “fall into love” then we most certainly can “fall out of love” with out any say on our part. Why would God give us this world to make choices, and then one of the most important choices, if not the most important choice, we can make in this life, God doesn’t trust us to make and so makes it for us? That’s why it doesn’t sound right.
            So I think you CAN decide to love someone. Once again it is good to clarify that the love I am talking about is a romantic love (separate from a love of humanity, or friends, or family, etc.). Let’s play this out, how do you decide that you finally “love” someone? Love at first sight? Not a thing, that’s attraction at first sight. The idea of love at first sight comes when you spend time with them and want to spend more with them because are attracted to them physically and spiritually, and many other ways, and you are patting yourself on the back for seeing their attractive features immediately. Someone could “Fall in love” (be attracted to someone) and then spend 10 minutes with them and then “fall out of love” (no longer attracted to them). Was that love. I personally don’t think so, although some would argue.
            But on the other end of the stick, there could be someone you are not immediately attracted to, but after spending time with them, you find many admirable traits that you find…you guessed it…attractive. Assuming they find something attractive in you, you can both spend more time, then developing that love. But you chose to do it.

          2. Great great points, Mike. This whole concept came from me trying to piece together why I couldn’t love people who seemed to be perfect for me and likewise, I for them. i tried, I worked, I did seemingly everything and put forth so much effort to make it happen, and, in the end, it didn’t work out and I just couldn’t fall for them. I realized that while I wanted to love them, I couldn’t force it to work. Now I could have MADE it work, and yes, the soul mates thing is bogus, but I want to feel something more for my spouse. And quite frankly, I think that every girl deserves it.

            So while some types of attraction can and do change (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical) I feel that the “X Factor” is either there or it isn’t.

  1. I have gotten into some heated arguments with friends about this same thing. The conversation goes like this:

    Friend: She is pretty, smart, fun, athletic, laughs at your unfunny jokes, makes you cookies, calls and offers soup when you’re sick, looks at you from across the pews even when it isn’t convenient for her, doesn’t have dreadlocks (not that there is anything wrong with dreadlocks) and she obviously likes you, what is your problem? Why don’t you give her a chance?

    Me: Friend, first of all, dreadlocks are fine (what’s with people hating on dreadlocks?) and second, all of what you said is completely true. And I have given her a chance. I’ve spoken with her on multiple occasions, and in some cases even when on a date with her. But the fact is, it just isn’t there.

    Friend: Well that’s crazy. You’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.

    Me: Thanks a lot.

    And so on and so on until I feel like I am completely unhappy with myself and wonder what is in fact so wrong with me that I can’t just “like” someone.

    That’s like looking at someone with Pneumonia and yelling at them: Why can’t you just get better?! You need to try harder!

    And if I can take it one step further Zack, I think everyone in the world is a beautiful, wonderful and marvelous puzzle piece of one gigantic puzzle that we call “meaningful relationships”, and when we meet another puzzle piece we start dancing around each other, flipping around, trying to see if we fit. “Oh, so you love country? Well I can see that that side isn’t going to fit. Oh you love cats? You have 10 cats? OK why don’t you try turning upside down let’s try that.” And pretty soon you will see that you either fit with that person or you don’t. And sometimes you’ll find that person that doesn’t really match with you, but if you press really hard you can get the pieces to to fit (just try tapping it with the bottom of a mug) and even though you know it’s not a great fit, it still works. And there comes a day when your puzzle piece is a lot more malleable than it was before, and you start fitting with a lot more people that you didn’t before (a la “charity”) but until that time you are going to have to find someone who fits with you.

    And I tend to believe that for whatever reason, I’m a jagged, complex and frustratingly unique puzzle piece made out of stone that just can’t seem to find the right fit. I know she’s out there somewhere because each piece of the puzzle has it’s exact fit somewhere (not just one either, probably multiple), I just haven’t found it yet. (Are you here puzzle piece, on Zach’s blog?)

    And when 2 amazing, talented, spiritual, attractive pieces don’t fit together, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with them. One is not more defective or less loving, attractive, worthy, charming than the other. They are both necessary to complete the great puzzle but they just aren’t a good fit. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t be someday, because unlike puzzle pieces, we can change, adapt and become better, more fitting, more adaptable and more open.

    So, good for you Zach. I’m glad I’m not the only single guy left from the ad lab. And I’m even more happy that I’m not the only one who has found this to be a struggle. But I’m confident that the great Puzzle Maker in the sky has fashioned for us the perfect fit, we just need to wait for it.

    1. no kidding! Nothing is wrong with you, but with the relationship. Be open to love, but why spend so much time forcing something to work?

      I’ve had that same conversations probably 50 times. And I’m sure some great girls have had the same conversation about me. Thanks for sharing, Aaron! #longdrive #roadtripsong #stilllistentoit (that last hashtag is a tricky one)

  2. I have a really good guy friend I’ve known since I was 14, and when we were both at BYU I never could understand why we couldn’t date each other. We’d even go on dates, and on paper we were perfect for each other. I found him to be physically and spiritually attractive, enjoyed lengthy conversations with him, and loved his family. He also saw a lot of attractive qualities in me. Yet, despite the seemingly perfect set up, there never was a spark there. We both admired, respected, and cared for each other – but just couldn’t force that missing “X” factor.

    When I did find my would-be husband, it was SO EASY. We just FIT, and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else. While he didn’t have every quality I’d loved in other guys, he had the ones that mattered most to me – topped off with tantalizing “X” factor between us that’s still alive and well after 3.5 years of marriage. It’s worth the wait. Good luck.

    1. Wow….thanks so much for sharing! Love that love story. And i find that is the case so often, why should i find myself the exception. Love does grow, but at first…it just is.

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