I got an email this last week from a good friend of mine (or at least I have 7 mutual friends with this stranger according to my Facebook stalking) email me and ask me about what she should/shouldn’t be picky about in dating. Basically, where is that line between a quixotic class characteristics and a dismal directory deal breakers? How do you trim the fat on reality without disregarding the weightier matters? What does it mean to settle down without settling?

 

Well first of all, I have no idea.

 

Second of all, let me answer your question.

 

See, Hayley, in case you haven’t realized, I’m very unmarried. In fact, I’m writing this post wearing pj’s in my single bed. My bed is a single for a reason: it matches most other things in my life. So take a grain of salt, a spoonful of sugar and let’s chat.

 

I have had four phases of my ‘must have’ list:

 

Phase 1 – As a freshman in college I had a list: hot, blond, shallow, live in Helaman Halls and had text (this was a while ago and not a lot of people had text).

 

Phase 2 – I got back from my mission and I had a different list: strong testimony, spoke Russian, great at parties, read scriptures every day, adored me, wanted to serve missions for the rest of her life.

 

Phase 3 – Then I wised up a little bit and I had a well thought out list: beautiful, positive, leader who puts God first.

 

Phase 4 – Now I have dumbed things down a bit and have a single list: someone I love.

 

For me, my list transformed from hygiene factors, to things they are good at, to things they are, to finally, a feeling.

 

So here are the 5 steps to deal with deal breakers:

 

STEP 1: Develop a FILTER

 

Have a short list of things that they must have or cannot have. Limit it to 3-5. Don’t date people who don’t fit that bill, but make sure that you do.

 

STEP 2: Figure out the FEELING

 

How do you feel about them? How excited are you for a life together (or just a next date)? How inspired are you in their presence?

 

And love is a two-way street. So how eager are you to support them? How much of the good in them do you bring out? How uplifting are you to them?

 

STEP 3: Write All THEIR Dealbreakers

 

Write a list of all of the potential deal breakers of the person in whom you are interested (you can just read that “who you’re interested in” if that sounds too pretentious) and really stare at the list.

 

Often when you write everything that bothers you about a person, you feel critical and petty. If you don’t, you are either a saint (because you didn’t write much), stupid (because you didn’t think you wrote enough), or just an only child (because…well yeah).

 

Most of those things you realize are silly. Cross those out.

 

Look at the list that remains. Ask yourself, ‘Will that matter in a few years?’ Cross off a few more.

 

Now go to the mirror and sit down for step 4.

 

STEP 4: Write All YOUR Deakbreakers

 

Write down a list of YOUR deal breakers. Realize relationships aren’t some Southwest flight…no baggage flies free. You’ve got your won that you’re carrying on.

 

Realizing how much I am asking them to make concessions on has helped me to put a realistic perspective on what I’m asking of others.

 

STEP 5: CHAT about What Remains

 

Before you go and end things or walk away, have a conversation. Ask them about concerns you have and ask them what concerns they have. And when they “pour out the content of [their] heart, chaff and grain together [use] gentle hands [to] take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow away the rest” as I hope they will do for you (George Eliot said that according to some online uncited quote site).

 

So there are the 5 Steps: A Filter, The Feeling, Their Deal, Your Breakers, Chat on What Remains.

 

If you can do all that and grow stronger in your relationship, then my friend, you may have something more. So hang onto that person because there is one thing you need to remember about having too many deal breakers, chances are you will stay alone. And sunsets are so much less pretty that way.

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“And then…she just kissed me.”

 

We have all been there.

 

We like someone but aren’t sure to the extent that we like them so it remains in this lukewarm awkward phase where nothing will bake until someone turns up the heat in a dramatic way.

 

See, I liked this girl, but the tempestuous task-master of time had not put us on the same proverbial shift. I was interested when she was occupied, she was intrigued when I was unavailable. Then I finally got to ask her out…but I was a day late, if not a dollar short.

 

After eons (in single-standard time) of back and forth, we were finally single at the same time…but the feelings were so…odd. After years of maintaining a pseudo-friend-based relationship built on future expectations and “what if”s, it was just so bizarre. I felt like a kid who was given cupcakes and chocolate frosting and told to go decorate them in the off-limits greeting room reserved only for home teachers.

 

It was just too much.

 

We went out, baked, talked, texted and did everything that you are supposed to do when you like someone…but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually pull a move. I was just waiting for the fiendish foe of fate to find us and tear us apart.

 

But luckily for Miss Fate, she needed not intervene. My over-analytical abilities stepped right up to give me the jitters, get me nervous and push my heart out of the kill zone. Buuuuuuuut, I still hung out with her. Recipe for disaster.

 

Yup. I(‘m/was) that guy.

 

Well one day, this frazzled girl, perplexed by my peculiar conduct had enough. She told me to come outside.

 

I complied.

 

She opened her car door and as I went to give her a hug, she grabbed by face, pushed me up against the car and kissed me.

 

I mean she really kissed me.

 

For the first time since I could remember….I…was…speechless.

 

Like….

Nothing.

 

After about 20 blinks, I looked down and saw that I had an ice cream pop in my hand. I merely held it up and said, “So…do you want the rest of this?”

 

Annnnnnd, now, ladies and gentlemen–(if you don’t mind the assumption that there will be more than one girl and one boy who read this post), if you haven’t figured out why my mother is not surprised that I’m single–you know.

 

I then proceeded to do the worst thing I could possibly do…act like nothing happened. I tried to pretend like everything was back to normal, and after two weeks of silent treatment, I knew that we needed to chat. We did, cleared the air and communicated in a ‘convectional’ way about how we probably are better friends than anything else and to this day we remain great friends.
But I will always respect a girl who is willing to put (herself) out to see if there is a way out of the friend-zone death spiral. Because when you pull a move like that, it is either going to just frost the cake, or turn the oven off. Either way, you leave the friend-zone and enter either a true friendship or a semi-sweet bitterness. But hey, at least you don’t have to wait to find out.

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