Author: Zack

Why I Believe in the Toothfairy…and Love

by ZackLoveLeave a Comment on Why I Believe in the Toothfairy…and Love

After some recent dating frustrations, I began to feel that true lasting love in marriage is like the toothfairy.

 

It’s like some big joke that everyone is in on…except me. Like you all think it’s
so cute when I write about believing that love is real…and what’s more that it will happen to me! I was feeling pretty tricked. Truman Burbank’ed, if you will. (If you get that reference without google, give yourself a point. #familyguyvague)

 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realize that true lasting love really IS like the toothfairy.

 

See, when I was about 7 years old, I lost another one of my teeth. I was pumped for payday and knew that the tooth fairy was coming that night.

 

This time, I was determined to stay awake and try to convince her to give me more money, since it was a bigger tooth, after all. It only made sense.

 

About an hour into my waiting, the door creaked open and I heard the “tooth fairy” start to creep into my room. I burst out of bed and said, “HI!”

 

Much to my surprise (but more to my father’s) it was…my dad. He jumped and dropped $10 in singles on the floor. Ironically the same amount he thought I might get earlier that night.

 

Or is it NOT ironic?! My young mind started to race as my innocence hopelessly started to slowly slip between my frail fingers.

 

My childhood was lost. The tooth fairy wasn’t a magical lady…it was an offensive lineman.

 

H’m. Not quite what I was expecting.

TOOTH FAIRY LOVE

And that is how I feel about lasting love in marriage. I have always imagined it to be this magical wonderful thing that is a constant Disneyland (minus the kids) experience. But I’ve come to realize that it is different…and that is okay.

 

I still believe in the tooth fairy and I believe in love.

 

It might be different than I expected, but the reward will be the same.

 

I might not meet my wife from this dreadful dating game (albeit, quite fun), but I will meet her and guess what…so will you. (Not my wife, unless you want to…then I can introduce you…after, of course, I get introduced to her.)

 

You will find love if you haven’t.

You will grow love if it is shrinking.

You will regain love if it is lost.

 

Just try it with me.

 

Let’s have a little faith. I think we can at least try.
Maybe not faith in the delivery method…but for sure in the reward.

 

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When a Tinder Match says, “We probably…”

by ZackDatesLeave a Comment on When a Tinder Match says, “We probably…”

What to doOnce upon a time I had met this super attractive girl (*cough*on tinder*cough*). We hadn’t kissed or anything, but had hung out quite a few times. I was sitting in her car when she hands me her cell phone and tells me to read a text. So I do and when I close out of the text, I notice another conversation she had had earlier that day with a mutual friend of ours and in the little window, I notice my name.

 

The scale of privacy invasion and curiosity started swinging back and forth like a drunk elephant on a seesaw.

Angel: ‘I should respect her personal stuff.’

Devil: ‘But it is about me!’

Angel: ‘But you shouldn’t be nosey.’

Devil: ‘But I was to be in the knowsey!’

Angel: ‘Bad pun.’

Devil: ‘Besides the point.

 

…eventually, as it usually happens, curiosity got the better of me and I opened the text.

(Angel: ‘Why am I even here?’)

 

Here is how the text basically went…

 

Girl: What do you think of Zack Oates?

Friend: He is a great guy!

Friend: Have you guys kissed?

 

Then came the really interesting part.

 

In the draft section of the box but not sent the text read:

 

“We probably [blinking cursor]”

 

Wait, I thought. Is this ‘we probably will’ ‘we probably won’t’ ‘we probably are going to stop haing out soon’ ‘we probably are in love’???

 

My mind started to race.

 

The girl, knowing me for a week at this point, knew something was wrong when more than 15 seconds went by without talking.

 

“What are you doing???” she blurted.

“So how was this text supposed to end?” I accusingly asked as I attempted to raise one eyebrow unsuccessfully (I’ll pay you if you can teach me how to do that).

 

The next hour of my life was trying to use every selling and debate tactic I could remember to get to her tell me.

 

But to no avail.

 

FINALLY by the end of the night she told me that it meant that ‘we probably would keep hanging out’…but you just never know what she was really going to say.

 

This situation did bring up an interesting point about being on different pages as the other person in the early stages dating though. The more you date, the more you settle onto the same book, then chapter, then page then line then word….”yes.”

 

So in the beginning of the relationship, just be sure to communicate appropriately so that you don’t run into a situation where, in your mind, you are at the end of the love story and she is still waiting to be saved from the dragon.

 

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#itwasmom Who Did What NO One Else Could

by ZackFamilyLeave a Comment on #itwasmom Who Did What NO One Else Could


It was a wet cold spring evening in Ukraine.

 

I was serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had been out for three months at the time that Mother’s Day came around; one of only two days in the calendar year that I got to speak with my family.

 

While I had been having a tough time, I didn’t tell anyone or even admit it to myself.

 

I was tired.

Frustrated.

Stressed.

…lonely.

 

I picked up the phone, dialed the familiar numbers to home and waited without a breath for the other end to pick up–I didn’t want to even miss one second.

 

The phone answered and…it was mom.

 

We spoke for almost an hour and then hearing the worry in my voice, it was mom who asked me if I was okay.

 

I could hold it in from my companion, from those I was serving in Ukraine and I could even hold it in from myself…but not from mom.

 

I broke down. My weaknesses and desperation burst from my lips as the barrier to honesty was shattered. I was beyond distraught. I just knew that I was failing.

 

Nothing could comfort me…except mom.

 

She heard me out and then gave me advice that changed my mission and my life. She said, “Zack, even in the Lord’s vineyard, you need to take time to stop and smell the roses. Don’t be so concerned about all that is going wrong that you forget what this is all about…just to look at the stars.”

 

And so I did.

 

It was mom who helped me to raise my vision from my problems to my potential, from the mundane to the magnificent, from the bitter to the better.

 

It was mom who helped me to walk once again.

It was mom who gave me life once again.

It was mom who cried with me once again.

 

That night I looked at the stars and I understood why my mom gave me that advice. For you see, I saw.

 

I saw the candles of divinity burning millions of light years away. I saw tiny little blips in the dark sky, which in reality constituted galaxies. But most importantly, I saw that somewhere out there, a loving God knew me and gave me a mom with whom He could share that love.

 

Ah, a simple phone call was all I had, but mom was all I needed.

 

So thank you, mother, for your kindness, example and love.

 

It was you who taught me that everyone is important.

It was you who showed me how to care when inconvenient.

It was you who gave my vision perspective.

 

From the moment I was born to the phone call in Ukraine to my fingers typing these very words–I know that forever I have a mother who will set my sights on the stars and my eyes on the prize.

 

There’s a reason my life is so wonderful…#itsmom.

 

 

Comment from Dealbreaker Post

by ZackLoveLeave a Comment on Comment from Dealbreaker Post

Great Comment

One of the best parts about blogging is the insight I gain from the comments. Here is a comment from my buddy Bret about my post about dealing with dealbreakers. Here is the comment. Brilliant.

 

Marriage is settling. That’s literally what you do when you get married, you choose one person and say, “It’s not gonna get any better than this.” You have absolutely no evidence of the truth of that statement when you make it, other than you really really really like being with the person about whom you made it at the time you made it.

 

It matters not whom you choose or how much you are convinced that it really won’t get any better, there are ALWAYS moments where you will doubt that statement to some degree or another. Marriage is HARD, just like school is h ard or d iets are hard or exercising is hard or life is hard. It takes constant discipline, a butt-load of tenacity, and work work work.


The good thing is that marriage is also like school, diets, exercising, and life in the positive ways. If you put in the right amount of work, it pays off ten fold….until you stop working, and then it just sucks.

 

Don’t be afraid to settle.

 

All that being said, this is a great post. I can think of a lot of people that could have saved themselves a lot of stupid, pointless pain if they’d done these things. And even still – I know a lot of people (myself included probably), that could benefit from these things even after marriage. Great post, Zack.

 

5 Steps to Deal with Dealbreakers

by ZackDates / Single3 Comments on 5 Steps to Deal with Dealbreakers

sunset aloneI got an email this last week from a good friend of mine (or at least I have 7 mutual friends with this stranger according to my Facebook stalking) email me and ask me about what she should/shouldn’t be picky about in dating. Basically, where is that line between a quixotic class characteristics and a dismal directory deal breakers? How do you trim the fat on reality without disregarding the weightier matters? What does it mean to settle down without settling?

 

Well first of all, I have no idea.

 

Second of all, let me answer your question.

 

See, Hayley, in case you haven’t realized, I’m very unmarried. In fact, I’m writing this post wearing pj’s in my single bed. My bed is a single for a reason: it matches most other things in my life. So take a grain of salt, a spoonful of sugar and let’s chat.

 

I have had four phases of my ‘must have’ list:

 

Phase 1 – As a freshman in college I had a list: hot, blond, shallow, live in Helaman Halls and had text (this was a while ago and not a lot of people had text).

 

Phase 2 – I got back from my mission and I had a different list: strong testimony, spoke Russian, great at parties, read scriptures every day, adored me, wanted to serve missions for the rest of her life.

 

Phase 3 – Then I wised up a little bit and I had a well thought out list: beautiful, positive, leader who puts God first.

 

Phase 4 – Now I have dumbed things down a bit and have a single list: someone I love.

 

For me, my list transformed from hygiene factors, to things they are good at, to things they are, to finally, a feeling.

 

So here are the 5 steps to deal with deal breakers:

 

STEP 1: Develop a FILTER

 

Have a short list of things that they must have or cannot have. Limit it to 3-5. Don’t date people who don’t fit that bill, but make sure that you do.

 

STEP 2: Figure out the FEELING

 

How do you feel about them? How excited are you for a life together (or just a next date)? How inspired are you in their presence?

 

And love is a two-way street. So how eager are you to support them? How much of the good in them do you bring out? How uplifting are you to them?

 

STEP 3: Write All THEIR Dealbreakers

 

Write a list of all of the potential deal breakers of the person in whom you are interested (you can just read that “who you’re interested in” if that sounds too pretentious) and really stare at the list.

 

Often when you write everything that bothers you about a person, you feel critical and petty. If you don’t, you are either a saint (because you didn’t write much), stupid (because you didn’t think you wrote enough), or just an only child (because…well yeah).

 

Most of those things you realize are silly. Cross those out.

 

Look at the list that remains. Ask yourself, ‘Will that matter in a few years?’ Cross off a few more.

 

Now go to the mirror and sit down for step 4.

 

STEP 4: Write All YOUR Deakbreakers

 

Write down a list of YOUR deal breakers. Realize relationships aren’t some Southwest flight…no baggage flies free. You’ve got your won that you’re carrying on.

 

Realizing how much I am asking them to make concessions on has helped me to put a realistic perspective on what I’m asking of others.

 

STEP 5: CHAT about What Remains

 

Before you go and end things or walk away, have a conversation. Ask them about concerns you have and ask them what concerns they have. And when they “pour out the content of [their] heart, chaff and grain together [use] gentle hands [to] take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow away the rest” as I hope they will do for you (George Eliot said that according to some online uncited quote site).

 

So there are the 5 Steps: A Filter, The Feeling, Their Deal, Your Breakers, Chat on What Remains.

 

If you can do all that and grow stronger in your relationship, then my friend, you may have something more. So hang onto that person because there is one thing you need to remember about having too many deal breakers, chances are you will stay alone. And sunsets are so much less pretty that way.

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How She Got OUT of the Friendzone – A Bitter/Sweet Ending

by ZackDates / SingleLeave a Comment on How She Got OUT of the Friendzone – A Bitter/Sweet Ending

surprise kiss

“And then…she just kissed me.”

 

We have all been there.

 

We like someone but aren’t sure to the extent that we like them so it remains in this lukewarm awkward phase where nothing will bake until someone turns up the heat in a dramatic way.

 

See, I liked this girl, but the tempestuous task-master of time had not put us on the same proverbial shift. I was interested when she was occupied, she was intrigued when I was unavailable. Then I finally got to ask her out…but I was a day late, if not a dollar short.

 

After eons (in single-standard time) of back and forth, we were finally single at the same time…but the feelings were so…odd. After years of maintaining a pseudo-friend-based relationship built on future expectations and “what if”s, it was just so bizarre. I felt like a kid who was given cupcakes and chocolate frosting and told to go decorate them in the off-limits greeting room reserved only for home teachers.

 

It was just too much.

 

We went out, baked, talked, texted and did everything that you are supposed to do when you like someone…but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually pull a move. I was just waiting for the fiendish foe of fate to find us and tear us apart.

 

But luckily for Miss Fate, she needed not intervene. My over-analytical abilities stepped right up to give me the jitters, get me nervous and push my heart out of the kill zone. Buuuuuuuut, I still hung out with her. Recipe for disaster.

 

Yup. I(‘m/was) that guy.

 

Well one day, this frazzled girl, perplexed by my peculiar conduct had enough. She told me to come outside.

 

I complied.

 

She opened her car door and as I went to give her a hug, she grabbed by face, pushed me up against the car and kissed me.

 

I mean she really kissed me.

 

For the first time since I could remember….I…was…speechless.

 

Like….

Nothing.

 

After about 20 blinks, I looked down and saw that I had an ice cream pop in my hand. I merely held it up and said, “So…do you want the rest of this?”

 

Annnnnnd, now, ladies and gentlemen–(if you don’t mind the assumption that there will be more than one girl and one boy who read this post), if you haven’t figured out why my mother is not surprised that I’m single–you know.

 

I then proceeded to do the worst thing I could possibly do…act like nothing happened. I tried to pretend like everything was back to normal, and after two weeks of silent treatment, I knew that we needed to chat. We did, cleared the air and communicated in a ‘convectional’ way about how we probably are better friends than anything else and to this day we remain great friends.
But I will always respect a girl who is willing to put (herself) out to see if there is a way out of the friend-zone death spiral. Because when you pull a move like that, it is either going to just frost the cake, or turn the oven off. Either way, you leave the friend-zone and enter either a true friendship or a semi-sweet bitterness. But hey, at least you don’t have to wait to find out.

forever a lone

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A Love More than Poo – An Awkward Bathroom Dating Story

by ZackLove2 Comments on A Love More than Poo – An Awkward Bathroom Dating Story

Surprise poop A girl comes over last year and we are chatting.

 

She asks to use the restroom.

 

It is one of those loo’s that is RIGHT off the kitchen with a thin door.

 

Already kinda weird.

 

I turn on some music to give her privacy and tell her I need to do something upstairs. A few minutes later I hear a flush…then another…then a third. Now look, I’m mature and old enough to know that girls have “that time of the month” when they poop. I get it. I do.

 

But three flushes…

 

H’m.

 

So I come back down to check on everything and she is standing there looking kinda shifty and says, “So…this is kinda awkward…but there is no plunger in there.”

 

“Oh…” I tried to be as normal as possible.

 

A little jiggle of the handle and some non-romantic candles did the trick.

 

We fixed the problem and carried on.

 

Buuuuut, besides the fact that she asked me if I was going to blog about that, it brought some really interesting thoughts to my mind.

 

A good buddy gave me some great insight on love. He said that he is not looking for a girl who wants to run a business or is a supermodel or a pro at a cocktail party, but rather someone where there is lasting love–not the butterflies love, because that flutters for days then flies away. But the kind of love where when he is sick because he was up all night with a kid throwing up and she has the flu and is going out both ends and the teenage daughter has been grounded for weeks (much more painful for parents, I realize now)…that he could leave the house and kiss her on the forehead and know that the love is real.

long term relationship barbie poop

A real love transcends all of that because it is more than all of that.

 

Because I realize that sometimes life isn’t all the colors of the rainbow. Sometimes it can be crappy. But when the chips are down (I don’t really get that reference, but I am assuming it has to do with poker and I’m pretty sure I’m using it right #mormonproblems), and you are starting to feel a tinge of weltschmerz, you know that they’ve got your back…and sometimes literally.

 

I read a book from kids about what love is. And one little boy wrote, “Love is when my daddy has to wipe my mom’s butt after she goes to the bathroom because she broke both her arms.”

 

So that is the love I think we should look for or work to cultivate. Not the crap chute fairy tale love but a love more real.

 

A love more than the mundane of life.

 

A love more than the superficial.
Ah yes, even a love more than poo.

 

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The Importance of Tender Adventure

by ZackinspirationLeave a Comment on The Importance of Tender Adventure

Questival

This weekend I participated in the Cotopaxi Questival, a 24 hour scavenger hunt that was just an amazing adventure! There were around 200 tasks and in the final hours, we were in first out of 450 teams (our partner team was tied with us too!). It was an exciting race, which, in the end… we lost.

 

Second place prize?

 

Nothing.

 

Sad day.

 

Now it’s tomorrow.

 

And while having my captain-crunch-and-Advil breakfast smoothie this morning (nope, not hungover), I was reflecting on how 60 feet of group Facebook messages, 130 hours of combined planning, 6 hours of sleep over 67 hours, 3 postponed final projects and a few hundred dollars helped me to win “nothing” this weekend, I realized that in reality, I won some an awesome consolation prize.

 

As Andy says in the finale of the Office, “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”


But you know what, Andy? I think there is.

 

See, as the trip started and we were driving to our first adventure, everyone in my car gave a group fist bump and we said, ‘Guys…we are living a memory right now!’ How did we know? Because we were on an adventure…together.

questival cotopaxi
Team #C2H…first in our hearts, second in the competition.

And that is what I’ve learned over this grueling experience. While we didn’t win a trip around the world, what’s more important than the fact that we came close, was the fact that we BECAME close. (I’m not happy about not winning, but that I’m not upset I competed.)

 

See with our group #C2H and #C2L, there is no one else in the world that will really understand what the 7 of us did together, besides the 7 of us. Hence, we have become a sort of family. And that IS the good old days. It is those moments, those memories that drive us together and sometimes drive us crazy.

 

I (sh/c)ould have been studying for finals, or working on my semester-end projects or something(…I mean, after all, I am a responsible MBA student, right?), but as I was reflecting back on my undergrad days, I don’t recall any of those things. I recall the road trips, the late night chats, the opportunities for me to help when it was inconvenient, the blessings of others helping me when I was down, the experiences that solidified friendships.

 

And what greater prize is there than that?

 

For as I always say, God gives us friends that we might choose family.

No strings attached
Since we’re all unwed, we made a band called “No Strings Attached”

Thanks for being a part of my family Conner, Kyle, Rico, Josh, Andy, Alex…and Rex. My love for you will last much longer than the pain in my legs that my smoothie didn’t put a dent into. And while a trip around the world would have been cool (#notpassiveaggressiveatall #notsarcastic …#okayyougotme #sarcastic)) because of you, I feel like “nothing” is a terrible way to describe what I won.

 

So here’s my plea to all (especially my future self): live a life of tender adventure–adventures that bring those tender memories of being together. And know that as you do…those, my friends, are the good old days.

 

And to all who have or will share some of my life’s tender adventures…thank you. I know I’m not always easy, but…well, actually..that’s all I got, I’m not easy, sorry.

 

Now, if you don’t mind, I need to get to bed. I have a lot of studying to do tomorrow.

 

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3 Be’s to Better a Bad Break Up

by ZackBreak ups / Love / Single4 Comments on 3 Be’s to Better a Bad Break Up

Taylor swift break up

It was a dark cold time in my life. Months earlier, I had fallen completely in love and told everyone about it. I just knew that we would get married and she would be with me in 50 years, hand-in-hand on our porch rocking chair speaking at a family reunion telling of our fairytale love…it was so clear in my mind, that I just knew it would work out.

 

…well, it didn’t.

 

She dumped me.

 

And I was heartbroken.

 

I spent the next three months waking up every morning and staring at the ceiling for hours thinking, ‘If i just lay here long enough, I wonder if I could die so I don’t have to face today.’

 

bride in the ocean

It was hard because I feel like love is this island that is off the safe shores of casual dating. We start to get into the water with dating more seriously and then at some point, our feet leave the ocean floor and we just give ourselves to the possibility of reaching that island. But for me, when I felt like the island was just in reach, a mill stone was placed around my neck and I started drowning. When I finally dragged myself back to the shore, I ran from the water and never wanted to go back. It took three years to be willing to even dip my toes into that water again.

 

But let me tell you what I learned when I came out of those three years:

 

I am worth being loved and I deserve to love.

 

Some of you may have lost love, some may have never found it and others may be in a relationship as that love is slipping away–to all of you, I promise that love is real, love is out there and love is for you. Do not fear, for fear will drag you down. Realize that the pain is a cross you must bear for a short while, but you will breathe again….I super pinky promise. If you think I’m wrong, let’s go out to frozen yogurt and you can just vent to me.

drowning cross love

You must take the risk for love, though. Keep putting yourself out there and ask out one more girl. Write a really sweet note (NOT CREEPY) to that one person you’ve always had a crush on. I’ve usually found that they will reciprocate, even if it is to let you know that they don’t think of you that way so you can move on.

 

So here they are…3 Be’s to Better a Bad Break Up:

1. Be sad.

Seriously. It is oooooookay to feel bad and sad and mad and not glad. Just don’t stay there.

2. Be yourself.

We can always improve, but don’t do it on account of getting back at the other person or trying to make yourself available to the other person. Just do you.

3. Be open to the possibility of love again.

I know it won’t be right away, but pray every day to have your heart open to the possibility of love and be willing to dip your toes in the water again if the chance comes along.

 

I know it isn’t easy, but I promise the trepidation of trying is mitigated only by realizing that you’ve survived the worst. And once that is behind you, well, then the good stuff comes.

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The Single Sexiest Attribute

by ZackLove1 Comment on The Single Sexiest Attribute

Attractive man

What is the sexiest attribute to you in men or women?

 

In my previous post I talked about HOW the attractiveness needle is “usually” set for men–but, for me, there is ONE singular attribute that takes the wedding cake on sexiness.

 

A while ago I made a list of all the women I wanted to marry (14 at last count), and there was only attribute that they all had in common.

 

Not having this mannerism makes models melt into monsters; and having this attribute allows average Ally’s to ascend to AMAZINGLY attractive!

 

To me, there is no more important attribute for a human to possess and there is nothing I admire more than one who exhibits this attribute with a gentle ease flowing from a natural inclusion into one’s nature.

 

This attribute isn’t hotness, spirituality, ambition, passion, cleverness, brilliance, skinniness…

 

It is authentic kindness.

 

Authentic kindness to me is defined by how a person treats someone who can do nothing for them.

 

Yeah.

kill with kindness

 

Seriously.

 

That is it.

 

Authentic kindness.

 

I asked my grandpa recently about why him and my grandma, who passed a few years ago, had such an amazing marriage. Without hesitation, other than to hold back some soft tears, he said, “It was your grandmother’s kindness. When we would argue, she was so quick to forgive and so kind to me. That is what held our marriage together and made me a better person.”

Nothing is sexier than kindness

 

There is nothing that could make a better wife, mother or human being than authentic kindness. Nobody wants to marry a hot troll…at least nobody that deserves anything more. But a true catch is a cute girl who is also kind.

 

I have a friend who is very pretty. Then one day she became incredibly beautiful. I saw her talking to a very anti-social rude person at a party and I was going to go over and “save” her, but realized that she was there by choice. She spent the whole party at this person’s side to make sure that they were having a good time and felt included. This person was not someone that she ever would have dated, but she never once broke eye contact to see if people were watching her. She just genuinely is a kind person who cared about this child of God.

 

Kindness is not concerned about what they get out of the interaction.

Kindness is optimistic and positive with the thoughts and dreams of others.

“Kindness is how a Christlike person treats others” (Joseph B Wirthlin, “The Virtue of Kindness”)

“Kindness [is] the most persuasive argument for that which we believe” (Gordon B Hinckley, “We Bear Witness of Him”)

And yeah, kindness is sexy.

 

 

So girls, toss the shorter skirts and lower shirts, quit those late night snapchats and forget about being seen at ‘that’ party…just know that everything kinda, works out.

 

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Axe of Kindness

*Thanks to @zandersays for adding the clarifying word of “authentic.” Very very true, kindness could be ill-conceived and self-motivated.