Archive for the ‘Single’ Category

The STUPIDEST Reason I’ve ever Heard NOT to Dump Someone

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monkey dating

So I’ve got this friend…you might be her.

 

She is kind, beautiful and, until recently, I thought she was pretty smart.

 

But see, she is dating this complete dud. (no desire for school, no job, no motivation, no direction, not kind, immature, not a great family…granted, he does have big muscles, still).

 

I just can’t help but feel that she could do so so so so so so much better!

 

I pulled her aside one day and told her that I was going to shoot her strait about her bae one time and one time only.

 

Her: “Go ahead.”

Me: “No really…I’m going to tell you exactly how I feel.”

Her: “I’d like that.”

Me: “No you won’t.”

Her: “It’s okay, I trust your opinion.”

Me: “It isn’t a good one.”

Her: “I would assume not.”

Me: “…”

Her: “Well?”

Me: “Wait…why would you ‘assume not’?”

Her: “Because, I mean, he’s not really that good of a guy.”

[pregnant pause]

[confused stare]

Me: “THEN WHY ARE YOU DATING HIM?!”

Her: “Because I don’t have anyone else to date yet.”

 

BWAAAAAH?!?!!

 

This phenomenon is unfortunately not unique to my friend, and while it is predominantly found in women, some men, too, suffer from “Monkey Vine Syndrome,” as my roommate calls it.

 

Monkey Vine Syndrome derives its scientific name from a monkey not wanting to let go of one vine until they are sure there is another one to grab onto.

 

Fearful of falling from the lofty platitudes of a secure relationship, these skittish souls will only vacate their vine if there is no chance of a commitment-less conclusion on the jungle floor where the pernicious predators of [dun dun DUN] singleness prey on the innocent.

 

In the words of the king from the Jungle Book, “I’m tired of monkey-ing around!”

 

Don’t be afraid to drop dead weight and take the leap. You’ll be surprised how much higher you can go.

 

It is okay to be single.

It is okay to be by yourself.

It is okay to not have someone like you.

 

At times, when we are single is when we become grounded in who we are so we can get a clearer perspective to see the tree from the forest, or, in the case of my friend, an idiot from a great guy. Remember, just because you don’t have a ‘someone’ and you aren’t someone’s ‘someone’ doesn’t make you a ‘no one.’

The MOST Selfish and Stupid Reason to Break Up

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FIRE RISK INDICATOR AT MOANESS

“Zack,” it read, “do you have a few min to chat tonight?”

 

The text seemed to open a trap door of rocks into my stomach.

 

It was from the girl I was dating at the time.

 

She had been waffling over some doubts about her feelings for me, and while it had been frustrating, I loved her, so I was willing to see where things would go.

 

I tried to keep it casual.

 

“For you? How could I not???”

 

(I tried too hard. One question mark would have sufficed.)

 

My mind raced with all the things I’d rather be doing than getting dumped (eating bees, pouring salt in my eye, roll down a hill of porcupines…); but sadly, life isn’t always either/or.

 

When we met up that night she dropped this confusing line on me:

 

“I don’t think this is going to work out because I’m still unsure if I love you and I don’t want you to wait for me to decide. I don’t like that you are hurting.”

 

“Whoah, whoah, whoah…you are dumping me because you DON’T love me or because you aren’t sure IF you love me?”

 

She thought for a second. “Well…what do you mean?”

 

“Look, if you are dumping me because you know that you don’t love me or are tired of trying to figure it out, that is fine—but if you are dumping me because you don’t want to hurt me feelings IF you decide that you don’t love me, well, I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work. I’m a big boy and can make my own decisions. You are worth the risk to me.”

 

And so it is!

 

Discovering love is a risk—on both ends.

 

One must take the risk AND be the risk.

 

We all risk getting burned for the chance to have that fire of love ignite.

 

The dumbest reason to dump someone (aside from these 10), is because you are afraid of hurting their feelings.

 

Dump them because you don’t love/like them, not because you might not in the future.

 

See, the other person has complete agency and can make the decision of you being a worthwhile risk or not.

 

But be honest with them, of course.

 

Give them the data they need (your feelings) to calculate their risk tolerance for you based on how they feel, but never ever ever ever run away just because you don’t want to be the “bad guy” and hurt the other person if there is a chance that you won’t love them.

 

That is cowardly.

That is foolish.

That is a great way to stay single. (trust me…I’ve been on both ends of this advice and look at me now.)

 

Because guess what?

 

Dating never works…until it does.

 

And by then, there will be a battlefield of hearts a litany of scars…and that is okay. That is what we signed up for to avoid living out a life of cat-filled solitude.

 

So don’t take away the agency of another because of your fears.

 

Oh, and as for that girl and I?

 

Well…she saw my point…and then went on a mission.

 

But as I say, if I am going to be dumped for another man, I’m okay if that man is God.

3 Realizations Proved I was COMPLETLEY Wrong about the Heart and Brain

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fate and faith

Last week I posted (whined) about how hard it is for the heart and the brain to agree. I asserted that this alignment is a capricious occurrence concocted in a clandestine conspiracy between cupid and chance.

 

With my emotional hands flaking at the heavens I blogged:

‘The lucky get it.

The rest of us stay single.’

 

Well….BOOHOO.

 

I RECANT! I offer this post as my confession and my newfound philosophical ideology as my restitution.

 

 

THE TRUTH: After a few fundamentals are fulfilled, the heart and brain CAN be willed into deep, abiding, true love…while not every time, I do believe that it is possible!

 

 

REALIZATION ONE: There is SCIENCE in the mystery of love.

 

In a recent NY Times article, Mandy Len Catron, a professor, cites how she fell in love with her partner: science.

 

Not like they are nerds and fell in love after meeting on WoW; but that they answered a series of 36 questions developed by a group of scientists to help people fall in love, followed by 4 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

 

(Maybe there is something to this, eh?)

 

 

REALIZATION TWO: You can FIGHT to love.

 

After posting last week about my victimized situation to a fickle mind and a stubborn heart, I had a friend email me an admission that she, too, ran from so many relationships due to a misalignment of emotion and logic—until she chose not to.

 

She got sick of running, so when she met this guy and it was a typical situation where everything made sense, but nothing felt right, she stood up to fate.

 

Instead of running, she fought.

 

She poured her heart out to the Lord she worked and laid it all on the line.

 

And now…she is married, madly in love and called that fight the “best decision [she’s] ever made.”

 

And doesn’t that make sense? The more you work for something, often, the more important that thing becomes. And then it becomes

 

 

REALIZATION THREE: A Large part of love really is CHOICE.

 

As it has been said, choose your love, then love your choice.

 

I never understood that until this week.

 

We must choose to open our heart.

…choose to be ready for love.

…choose to have faith in marriage.

 

Then, realizing that there will be problems, heartache, frustrations and unexpected turns—be willing to take responsibility for our choice.

 

For if I’m constantly waiting for this supernatural inexplicable alignment of the stars, then it isn’t my love, it is a love forced upon me by an outside force.

 

But, after things make sense, love is a choice.

It is my choice.

It is our choice.

 

 

So let’s use faith to fight fate.

 

Does fate sometime step in and lend a hand?

Sure.

But I, for one (a long single one), am not waiting around to get lucky. 😉

 

If you are in love, choose to stay there.

If you aren’t, well…let’s choose to get there.

 

A Plea from the Ass

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dating an ass

The most common question I get when people find out that I have a dating blog is, ‘How is that for your dating life?’

 

Come on.

 

They know the answer.

 

There is just some sadistic curiosity to hear it right from the ass’s mouth, so to speak.

 

I mean, it’s like asking someone who is in prison for insider trading, ‘How is that for your business life?’

 

Terrible.

 

Just terrbl.

 

But I have enough clandestine conversations to know that I’m not alone in my thinking. There are tons of us.

 

Tons of…you’s.

 

Yes, I analyze dating too much.

I suffer from the greener grass syndrome.

I have a list of do’s and don’t’s.

I even have a list of girls written down in my wallet at any given time.

 

But guess what?

 

So does everyone, so to speak.

 

You might not blog about your analysis.

You may not post semi-humorous-slash-cynical posts to your Facebook about the ‘next best’ thing.

You haven’t published your rules.

And you probably don’t have a running list in your literal back pocket.

 

Now while that may be true—you DO analyze, look for better, have implicit rules and have a tally! You just probably don’t write it down and share it with the world.

 

#smartmove

 

Here is the problem, all of that stuff melts away as you are getting to know someone and falls above the deal breaker curve (as explained in the Law of Diminishing Deal Breakers).

 

But for us who have chosen to volunteer as tribute, choose to wear the cloak of a target and make ourselves a sacrificial martyr to dating stigmas, can I ask, especially during this wonderful Christmas season…can you give us a shot?

 

It won’t take much, I (sort of) promise…just a little bit of extra eye rolls and a lot bit of patience.

 

Because when people ask me about this blog and my dating life, I often will joke back to them, ‘Oh dating is great with this blog! It keeps me single. After all, it is a dating blog—marriage is just bad for business.’

 

But some day, I would like to retire from blogging about dating and have this bowl of oates graduate into something a little more hearty. Because without the sugar, a bowl of oates is pretty bland.

 

So here is to a sweet Christmas season and revived hope!

 

 

5 Steps to Get a SUPER Hot Girl and Not be the “Big Smile” Guy

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GUEST POST from my good friend who happens to not be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and reside of Beverly Hills. His opinion on dating was so enriching, funny and interesting, I couldn’t help but share.

grocery story

Enter average guy. So, you’re in the grocery store with a hand basket full of food and the lean cuisine© meals are piled on the top for the world to see (they are on sale for 5 for $10 today and a staple of many a bachelor’s diet…obvi) …and then that a smoking hot girl walks down the same aisle and she has some almond milk, a piece of fruit, and some kale in her basket…what do you do?

 

Also, also what is going on here? A lot.

 

 

First of all this would never happen because these girls only shop for their kale at Whole Foods and they don’t sell lean cuisine’s© there…so that was the first mental exercise…which you failed…try to do better on this next part..mkayyy?!

 

So, second, let’s focus on the fact that you offered her up a really huge smile as she walked by you even though your earbuds were in and you were frowning for the other 90% of the time that you were walking toward her in the aisle…sound familiar? Why did you do that? What do you think she thinks when you smiled at her real big for no reason? She KNOWS that you want to make out with her right next to those Cheerios© boxes because every guy everywhere since she was 10 years old has smiled at her and tried to be nice to her hoping that that will make her like him. Do you really think that if you do the same thing as everyone else around her (randomly smile BIG) that you will finally win the lottery and she will notice you and want to marry you and believe that you are the superior male that she should then mate with?? You know, by age 25, the hot girls catch on to what you are doing are why you are smiling at them…I promise you they do. I can also tell you that she is very proud of her body to be wearing that provocative outfit right now and that it will (luckily for her) serve as a deterrent for 99% of guys who are too intimidated to speak to her and saver her some hassles (she thinks)…so she wears it to weed out all the would-be average suitors with low confidence…

 

But you are different (because you read this post)! ALSO, unfortunately for you, she very aware that you have a pile of lean cuisine’s© in your basket that even the nicest smile cannot undo. So what do you do, bearing in mind that SHE KNOWS SHE IS HOT AND IS USED TO BEING TREATED SPECIAL AND WANTS THAT POSITIVE REINFOREMENT THAT SHE IS SPECIAL? Well, for starters, don’t let her know it! If you deny her your goofy smile, she may just seek validation of her hotness…from YOU…if you play your cards right!

 

So, assuming you are able to successfully navigate a #meetCute, possibly by sarcastically (and with a straight face) telling her that “she got the wrong dressing for her Kale (referring to her milk)…”, here are some 5 tips on the type of thing to do next that could pique her interest:

 

 

  1. Leave her presence as soon as possible after you get her number. Literally, if you are at a party, leave immediately and go somewhere else. Don’t hang around and try to talk to her. The probability that you will say something stupid and ruin everything is very high.

 

  1. Call her a few days later and pretend to be extremely busy. Keep the conversation under 1 minute 30 seconds. Make a joke. Have a plan in mind. Tell her you have to go. Hang up.

 

  1. Text her 2 days before and tell her you have a charity event you have to go to that night, and that you need to reschedule for next week. Don’t text her back for several hours. Don’t use emoticons.

 

3.5.   Cancel on her again if you have the guts.

 

  1. Tell her where and when to meet you in a text a few days later. Try to pick someplace that takes her out of her element. i.e. if she takes herself really seriously, maybe try a comedy show… or if she is a hipster…take her someplace fancy…or if you are into the cougars maybe to a hip concert….

 

Try to coordinate something for a date that will create a memory and also make her feel like she is not in control of the situation (since, as a hot girl, she is used to “calling the shots”).

 

 

These types of dating tactics get her thinking things like:

 

  • “He was really funny…oh, wait…where did he go?” I miss him already. I wonder if I can find him on Facebook©. (P.S. don’t add her on Facebook or confirm her request)
  • “What? He’s too busy to talk to me? I wonder what he’s doing that’s more important than talking to me? Every guys since I was 10 years old wants to talk to me all the time be because I’m so hot and the world revolves around me.”
  • “He cancelled on ME? Wait…what? I’m the only one that gets to flake out…how dare he beat me to the punch at my own game!”
  • “OMG, philanthropy?! Maybe he will make a good father, he must be kind-hearted” (for emphasis, please imagine them thinking this in a high pitched Barbie© voice. K thx!). While texting this, please feel free to enjoy an evening of pizza and Netflix©.
  • “Wow, I don’t usually do this stuff very often. Hmm..this guys is interesting and maybe he is different than all the other “Big Smile” guys!

 

Note about the Guest:

For me, I’m a child of a second marriage. So my father is 50 years older than me and I feel more pressure then most peers to be responsible as a young professional adult and start a family earlier- like in the good ‘ol days. And even though what I would really like to do is have a nice time with a nice girl like the LDS dating world you are involved in– the truth in major metro cities is that a successful guy needs to play these dating games just to get an opportunity to have that type relationship with a super hot successful woman. They expect some sort of game play – and they have developed a man-filter system- and game play is it (also if you are ugly, it’s tough too — if so, try to make a lot of money). Truth is if you are not able to deliver some mystery or something unusual to her that disrupts her normal routine of life then you are not giving her any reason to distinguish you from the 100 guys that look her up in appropriately on the streets each day or hit on her at bars or at work or anywhere she goes. Why you?

Women want to be challenged.

Making a Case for Hanging Out  

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hanging out dating

That’s right, I’d like to make a case for hanging out.

 

Now before you gather the pitchforks, light a young woman torch and come to the ‘that’ part of Provo you know you’ll find me…hear me out.

 

I’m not saying don’t date.

 

I’m just saying that ‘hanging out’ has unjustly become a curse word(…or phrase).

 

Yes, Elder Tingey spoke of “the indecision some college graduates have in…accepting the responsibilities of marriage and family.”

 

Yes President Monson spoke of those having “a little too much fun being single, taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys, and just generally enjoying the carefree life with [their] friends.”

 

Yes, Elder Oaks spoke to older single men (me, particularly), “grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It’s marriage time.”

 

So yeah, fellas, we need to buck up and go on dates. I completely agree with all of that.

 

But we need to go on dates for the right reasons.

 

You can go on dates just to ‘go on dates.’ I have done that for years and the reason that the relationship clock never struck “marriage time” isn’t for lack of effort. No, perhaps it was because of too much effort.

 

See, when we date, we are trying to be the best we can be and, quite frankly, we are trying to find the worst in the other person.

 

Yes, dating is essentially trying to impress while looking for deal breakers.

 

When we hang out, things are usually calm, ccasualand, quite frankly, a little more realistic. I have never been married, but I imagine that a dinner, movie and making out is not the standard for a typical day for a couple. Those romantic date nights are interspersed through a string of time where the couple is just friends.

 

Some of the best relationships I have had started with a friendship.

 

Those friendships were not forged in the fires of flirtation, but rather built on the basis of a casual closeness.

When in hot pursuit, you rarely are being totally you, but rather what you think they want of you.

 

When hanging out, there are no expectations, so you can just be you and she can just be her.

 

If you aren’t going on dates, shame on you—but if you aren’t building friendships then shame-er on you. The advice is to get married and you will never do that by only hanging out or only going on one-on-one dates with 15 people at a time.

 

So don’t fear the dessert parties of hanging out, but be aware to not deny yourself of the hearty dinners of dating. Both, coupled (pun intended) together will create a strong bond that will both be in harmony with the brethren’s council and help you to not try too hard.

 

 

 

 

Should Guys Ask Out Girls on SECOND Dates at the End of a First?

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Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen…[eyebrow rub]

[pause for a slightly condescending glare over the glasses]

[sigh]

 

How do I put this?

 

Stop.

 

Just stop.

 

You are bold enough to ask her out, smart enough to plan a great date, cordial enough to be a fun time, calm enough not to do something stupid…and then you blow it all at the doorstep. You might as well take off your shirt and show her you have a heart shaved in your chest (which, incidentally, is not a great way of getting a second date #personalexperience).

 

Open curtain:

“I had a great time,” you stammer.

“Me too…” she replies.

“Would you like to go on a second date?”

“I…uh…well…………..”

This is about when cupid wants to throw a brick at your face.

 

Possible scenarios with that question:

  1. she had a good time and is excited you asked her out.
  2. she had a good time but now you seem too eager and she is questioning if she really had a good time.
  3. she had an okay time and needed a good’s night rest to let the date set in before making her decision and now feels undue pressure and that you like her too much and is a little weirded out.
  4. she did not have a good time but awkwardly says yes and is forced to go out with you again.
  5. she did not have a good time and tells you no on the doorstep and you don’t go on dates for a couple of weeks and talk about this mean girl who told you no.

 

IF IT IS A ONE IN FIVE SHOT OF BEING A GOOD IDEA….that usually means…IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

 

So what do you do? Let’s try this again.

 

“I had a great time,” you stammer.

“Me too…” she replies.

“Would love to do it again sometime. [no wait for response] But have a great night and good luck with [insert something from conversation to show you were listening]!”

[Both laugh]

[Night hug]

[Drop the mic and walk away]

 

Boom. Nailed it.

 

Be proud of yourself, you just successfully navigated the trickiest waters other than a first kiss–the first doorstep scene.

 

Pat yourself on the back and go hop on Tinder for an ego boost…you deserve it.

 

Remember, you can assume it is okay, but never ever ever ever ever (rarely) ask a girl out on a second date at the end of a first date.

 

Always appropriate to tell them that you had a good time and would love to do it again, but to set up a second date right there…? Poor form.

 

But hey…then again, I’m 28 and single…what do I know? Let’s see what you guys said.
I polled a few places on Facebook and received 135 comments (44 being from @joshguessed…follow him for a myriad of semi-sporadic updates if you haven’t had enough of him) and here is the breakdown.

 

second date infographic

A Letter to People Giving Singles a Hard Time

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falling letter

 

Dear Giving Older Singles a Hard Time,

 

Chances are, this letter is either to you or from you.

 

If it is to you, let me just say that I hope you don’t take offense. My intention is not to be hurtful, but explain to how your words have hurt others–and most likely with the best of intentions.

 

Who are “we?”

 

We are those that are single and above the “normal age” to marry. We aren’t gay. We don’t have porn problems. We aren’t bitter about our divorce. We aren’t obsessed with our careers. And we aren’t having too much fun. We just happen to be over 21 and not married. #puttingtheSINinSINGLE

 

You see, so many times, help is offered, but it just doesn’t come across very well. We don’t need set-ups with ugly friends (unless we are the ugly friend, then keep it coming), condescending advice (we’ve heard it, know it, try it, and some weirdo’s even blog about it), comments about us being selfish, text messages when someone mentions singles in general conference, telling us we are “stupid” when we break up with someone, or constant barrage of “why are you single?”

 

And most importantly (outside of a hospital), no one, ever needs to be asked, “What is wrong with you?” Ever. [period]

 

Now, what we do need is your support, love, kindness, understanding and sincere friendship.

 

Instead of incessantly indicating the individual intention that has been thus far elusive (a spouse), help us to see all that we have accomplished. Don’t dwell on the one failure (as you see it), shed a light on the many accomplishments (as we should see it). I’m not asking you to be a patronizing cheerleader, but rather reminding you of you when you were single.

 

When we go to sleep at night, we are woefully aware that we are single. And in those dark moments, often your question echoes in the chambers of an empty heart, ‘what is wrong with me?’

 

Well nothing is wrong with us. We are working and we will get “there,” whatever that “there” happens to be for us, but coming down on us for being single doesn’t help us get “there” any better.

 

Now, you may say this is unfair of us since we poke fun of ourselves. We put up our single life on the altar of easy jabs. We make the topic our target. But that target is really our shield. See, your comments pierced us a few times and we realized that there was no way to avoid it. So we put up a target as our shield–at least this way, we know it is coming. But it doesn’t mean that words never get through.

 

Some say that we are thinking of ourselves, we are too picky and that we are having too much fun. But if you saw the million rides we give to the airport, the long nights of comfort that are given, the hours spent working in the temple; if you saw the dreadful red flags of our dating pool, the emotionless first dates, the amount of people that we like who don’t like us at the same time; and oh, if you saw the aching hearts, tears and long nights of begging the Lord for comfort; if you saw all that (or maybe remembered), we think you would have a different perspective. And if you have lived through all of this, all the more reason for kindness before critique.

 

Know we are trying. We are trying to learn charity, trying to be open, trying to find the right person, trying to be the best person we can, and trying to distract ourselves occasionally because no…loneliness is not fun. And maybe marriage and parenting isn’t going to be this fairy tale awesomeness, but let’s all just lift each other up in whatever station we may be. We all have crosses that are barely bearable, but I feel we were put here to lighten the load, not add to it.

 

So before we finish, let me tell you why we’re even telling you this.

 

We wish we could say that your words don’t matter…but they do because, we look up to you. And even when words unintentionally cut, we know you want us to have an amazing family and want to help us get there.

 

Your love means so much, which is why we thought you might like to know how we feel.

 

Sincerely,

Honestly Trying

 

p.s. Let’s not make this awkward or dramatic. We aren’t breaking up with you–just thought our relationship needed a touch of honesty.

 

 

5 Steps to Deal with Dealbreakers

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sunset aloneI got an email this last week from a good friend of mine (or at least I have 7 mutual friends with this stranger according to my Facebook stalking) email me and ask me about what she should/shouldn’t be picky about in dating. Basically, where is that line between a quixotic class characteristics and a dismal directory deal breakers? How do you trim the fat on reality without disregarding the weightier matters? What does it mean to settle down without settling?

 

Well first of all, I have no idea.

 

Second of all, let me answer your question.

 

See, Hayley, in case you haven’t realized, I’m very unmarried. In fact, I’m writing this post wearing pj’s in my single bed. My bed is a single for a reason: it matches most other things in my life. So take a grain of salt, a spoonful of sugar and let’s chat.

 

I have had four phases of my ‘must have’ list:

 

Phase 1 – As a freshman in college I had a list: hot, blond, shallow, live in Helaman Halls and had text (this was a while ago and not a lot of people had text).

 

Phase 2 – I got back from my mission and I had a different list: strong testimony, spoke Russian, great at parties, read scriptures every day, adored me, wanted to serve missions for the rest of her life.

 

Phase 3 – Then I wised up a little bit and I had a well thought out list: beautiful, positive, leader who puts God first.

 

Phase 4 – Now I have dumbed things down a bit and have a single list: someone I love.

 

For me, my list transformed from hygiene factors, to things they are good at, to things they are, to finally, a feeling.

 

So here are the 5 steps to deal with deal breakers:

 

STEP 1: Develop a FILTER

 

Have a short list of things that they must have or cannot have. Limit it to 3-5. Don’t date people who don’t fit that bill, but make sure that you do.

 

STEP 2: Figure out the FEELING

 

How do you feel about them? How excited are you for a life together (or just a next date)? How inspired are you in their presence?

 

And love is a two-way street. So how eager are you to support them? How much of the good in them do you bring out? How uplifting are you to them?

 

STEP 3: Write All THEIR Dealbreakers

 

Write a list of all of the potential deal breakers of the person in whom you are interested (you can just read that “who you’re interested in” if that sounds too pretentious) and really stare at the list.

 

Often when you write everything that bothers you about a person, you feel critical and petty. If you don’t, you are either a saint (because you didn’t write much), stupid (because you didn’t think you wrote enough), or just an only child (because…well yeah).

 

Most of those things you realize are silly. Cross those out.

 

Look at the list that remains. Ask yourself, ‘Will that matter in a few years?’ Cross off a few more.

 

Now go to the mirror and sit down for step 4.

 

STEP 4: Write All YOUR Deakbreakers

 

Write down a list of YOUR deal breakers. Realize relationships aren’t some Southwest flight…no baggage flies free. You’ve got your won that you’re carrying on.

 

Realizing how much I am asking them to make concessions on has helped me to put a realistic perspective on what I’m asking of others.

 

STEP 5: CHAT about What Remains

 

Before you go and end things or walk away, have a conversation. Ask them about concerns you have and ask them what concerns they have. And when they “pour out the content of [their] heart, chaff and grain together [use] gentle hands [to] take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow away the rest” as I hope they will do for you (George Eliot said that according to some online uncited quote site).

 

So there are the 5 Steps: A Filter, The Feeling, Their Deal, Your Breakers, Chat on What Remains.

 

If you can do all that and grow stronger in your relationship, then my friend, you may have something more. So hang onto that person because there is one thing you need to remember about having too many deal breakers, chances are you will stay alone. And sunsets are so much less pretty that way.


 

How She Got OUT of the Friendzone – A Bitter/Sweet Ending

by

surprise kiss

“And then…she just kissed me.”

 

We have all been there.

 

We like someone but aren’t sure to the extent that we like them so it remains in this lukewarm awkward phase where nothing will bake until someone turns up the heat in a dramatic way.

 

See, I liked this girl, but the tempestuous task-master of time had not put us on the same proverbial shift. I was interested when she was occupied, she was intrigued when I was unavailable. Then I finally got to ask her out…but I was a day late, if not a dollar short.

 

After eons (in single-standard time) of back and forth, we were finally single at the same time…but the feelings were so…odd. After years of maintaining a pseudo-friend-based relationship built on future expectations and “what if”s, it was just so bizarre. I felt like a kid who was given cupcakes and chocolate frosting and told to go decorate them in the off-limits greeting room reserved only for home teachers.

 

It was just too much.

 

We went out, baked, talked, texted and did everything that you are supposed to do when you like someone…but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually pull a move. I was just waiting for the fiendish foe of fate to find us and tear us apart.

 

But luckily for Miss Fate, she needed not intervene. My over-analytical abilities stepped right up to give me the jitters, get me nervous and push my heart out of the kill zone. Buuuuuuuut, I still hung out with her. Recipe for disaster.

 

Yup. I(‘m/was) that guy.

 

Well one day, this frazzled girl, perplexed by my peculiar conduct had enough. She told me to come outside.

 

I complied.

 

She opened her car door and as I went to give her a hug, she grabbed by face, pushed me up against the car and kissed me.

 

I mean she really kissed me.

 

For the first time since I could remember….I…was…speechless.

 

Like….

Nothing.

 

After about 20 blinks, I looked down and saw that I had an ice cream pop in my hand. I merely held it up and said, “So…do you want the rest of this?”

 

Annnnnnd, now, ladies and gentlemen–(if you don’t mind the assumption that there will be more than one girl and one boy who read this post), if you haven’t figured out why my mother is not surprised that I’m single–you know.

 

I then proceeded to do the worst thing I could possibly do…act like nothing happened. I tried to pretend like everything was back to normal, and after two weeks of silent treatment, I knew that we needed to chat. We did, cleared the air and communicated in a ‘convectional’ way about how we probably are better friends than anything else and to this day we remain great friends.
But I will always respect a girl who is willing to put (herself) out to see if there is a way out of the friend-zone death spiral. Because when you pull a move like that, it is either going to just frost the cake, or turn the oven off. Either way, you leave the friend-zone and enter either a true friendship or a semi-sweet bitterness. But hey, at least you don’t have to wait to find out.

forever a lone