Zack – Page 7 – Bowl of Oates

3-Word Formula to Choose Your Love

by ZackJuly 12, 2015July 12, 2015Dates / LDS Living / Love / Single1 Comment

“Choose your love and love your choice.” When Thomas S. Monson made that statement, I thought I understood what he was saying.

I still think that I get the second part—love your choice. To me, that means being committed.

But what does that first part mean? How do we choose our love?

We often get so lost in trying to understand what it means to choose our love, that we never gain what we want (or at least want to want): marriage. Or better-put, a great marriage.

For years I was convinced that I was doing my part to get married, until I realized recently that there was a three-word formula. It is a formula for helping us all to choose our love—not just waiting around for him or her to appear.

Open.
Service.
Time.

See, not long ago, I met this girl. She was pretty, smart, and motivated, but we weren’t really one another’s type. I thought she was a little too high-strung, and I could tell she thought I was immature (turns out one of us was right–her). I never asked her out, but we became good friends. Then one day, I thought to put the “choose your love” counsel from President Monson to the test and see if I could really like her. So I decided I would make myself vulnerable and not even care if she didn’t like me back. Every time I saw her, I would give her a compliment, try to make her day a little better, and be more eager to help her out. Basically, I served her. Not in a creepy way, but in a way to help her day be a little bit better.

Over time, something happened.

Week 1: I did not feel much of a change.

Week 2: I started to notice myself glancing at her more often.

Week 3: I caught myself thinking about her randomly.

Week 4: I noticed butterflies.

Week 6: I was looking forward to seeing her.

Week 7: I really liked her . . . a lot.

I realized this was the same lesson I learned on my mission with difficult companionships, but I didn’t think it would translate into romantic relationships as well. But why shouldn’t it?

Gordon B. Hinckley said, “If every husband and every wife,” (and I don’t think he is excluding singles,) “would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce” (“The Women in Our Lives,” General Conference, Oct. 2004).

To read the conclusion of this post and my epiphany on how this relates to the Atonement, continue reading at LDSLIVING.com <–click that!

God’s 3 Steps to Successful Dating and Marriage

by ZackJuly 5, 2015July 5, 2015Break ups / inspiration / LDS Living3 Comments

A loving young couple spending time together at home

I had just received the news through some not-so-subtle hints.

She wasn’t interested.

(Insert disappointed sigh here.)

Not that I was counting on it working out, per se, it’s just that . . . well, I was really hoping it might have. Yeah, it was just a crush; yeah, we might have only gone on a couple of dates; yeah, I wasn’t super emotionally invested . . . but I was at that point in life where it seemed that nothing was working out. (You know what I mean.) I was frustrated because whenever I liked a great girl, they weren’t interested; and when a great girl liked me, it didn’t seem right.

I was standing on a packed train when I had a prompting to open up to Doctrine & Covenants Section 90. I was not sure exactly what was there, but when I came across verse 24, I realized that God had put in a formula so that my relationships—in my dating life and in my future marriage—would really work! He packaged it up in three simple steps that could help me keep perspective. It filled my heart with hope—and it can fill your heart too.

Search Diligently
Pray Always
Be Believing

This is just a summary of this article. To get the full punch:

FOLLOW THIS LINK TO LDSLIVING.COM

What to Do When the Things You LOVE Most are the things you also HATE Most?

by ZackJune 21, 2015June 22, 2015Break ups / SingleLeave a Comment

dating frustrations — Crayons and significant others are so similar…so frustrating to pick a single one.

“The things I love about my husband are actually the the things that frustrate me most about him.”

I was speaking to one of my best friend’s mother when she dropped that one on me. She had such a happy and loving marriage and I wanted to know how I could build a relationship like theirs.

She continued, “See, I love how charitable he is, but when money is super tight and he is paying for other people’s dinners and helping out people financially, it is a bit stressful for me.”

In my life I’ve realized a similar truth.

The very reason I was attracted to the women I date is often the reason we break up.

I love women who are ambitious! They think, plan, dream, believe, act and achieve. They are so impressive…to a point that it is irritating. They are so independent that they don’t need me, don’t call back often and are so busy with their lives and being pursued by so many other people that I often walk away.

I love women who are kind! They are so caring and gentle and always let others shine in groups. They are so wonderful…that I can’t stand it. They can be boring or pushovers and are always seeking to agree.

This is a truth regardless of man or woman. It just is.

Those who are energetic can be annoying.

Those who are passionate can argue too much.

Those who are funny can tease ad nauseum.

Those who are spiritual can be self-righteous.

Well then…what are we to do?

So far, my plan seems to be to break up or sabotage…that’s worked out super well.

As I was considering this recently, I remembered the end of the conversation with my friend’s mother where she put it all in perspective, “I just need to decide that the things I love are more important than the things that frustrate me.”
Basically, as simply as a Thomas Monson said, “Choose your love, and love your choice.”

3 Reasons Why You Fell Out of LIKE

by ZackJune 7, 2015June 7, 2015Break ups / Love / SingleLeave a Comment

Wow. She was amazing.

You met at the bonfire and couldn’t hardly sleep that night thinking about her.

The next day you found her on fbook and then messaged her and got her number.

You went out on a few dates and there were just sparks like crazy.

After a few dates, you even kiss her!

Things are going so well…until one day about two weeks into this, you go to another bonfire and meet someone else. You ignore the text of the first girl and slowly stop calling her back as this new girl starts to envelop your thoughts.

And by the beginning of week three, the first girl is a distant memory, a story, and another tally when you are asked how many people you’ve kissed.

[sigh]

On the subject of falling out of love, I can’t comment. I’ve been in love a few times and each time, the conclusion has been involuntary.

But on getting over liking someone, ah, this blog has volumes on that.

I’ve found there are typically three reasons why we fall out of like:

Something is wrong with them. Before you go off about this, it is important that you do this one task: write down specifically WHY you don’t want to date them anymore. Share it with a couple of people and see if you really are incompatible with them or if you are victim of the second reason.
Something is wrong with YOU. Yes, you have issues, my friend. You fake date. You look for crushes instead of foundations. You are not over that ex. You have daddy problems. Or….you don’t think you have issues, in which case, you are in denial. Whatever the case may be, make sure you fix you to a point that you can let someone into your heart and life. You don’t have to be perfect, but workable. I promise it isn’t as scary as people think it is…or so my therapist tells me.
The relationship is wrong. Ah, the indescribable, irrational and irritatingly honest, ‘not sure why, but just don’t feel right about it’ thing. It really is a real thing (sometimes). And as long as you are being honest with number one and two, I would take this for a decent answer. BUT BUYER BEWARE: if you abuse this, you will be held accountable at the last day (a.k.a. when you turn 31 and are kicked out of a singles ward).

So remember to use caution when throwing a crush into the wind. It might just be the perfect seed to your soil if you would but ‘Alma 32’ that relationship.

Who Has It Harder in Dating: Guys or Girls? 4 Arguments and Remedies

by ZackMay 24, 2015May 24, 2015Dates / Genders7 Comments

I was talking to a few of my friends on the way to Japan from Beijing (had some down time en route…like a lot) about whether dating is harder for guys or girls.

Who gets the short stick in this game of sparks we call dating?

4 Reasons it is Harder for Guys and what Girls Should do to Help:

Guys have to make the first move and put themselves out there emotionally without any agreement of reciprocity.
- So girls, make yourself a little more available if you’re intersted.
Guys have to pay for dates. While girls get free dinner, guys get to use a few hours of their pay to fund it. I’ve calculated my total dating expenses once…and never have again.
- So girls, express gratitude.
Guys have to plan dates that are fun, but not too fun so that they fall in love with the date and not them.
- So girls, if there is something you’d really like to do, throw out a few suggestions in the planning or pre-planning phase.
Guys have to follow up and guess if the girl likes him with being confident, but not too pushy. Tough balance.
- So girls, send a post date text and tell them that you’d love to see them again.

4 Reasons it is Harder for Girls and what Guys Should do to Help:

Girls have to wait for a guy to ask them out (granted, they CAN do the right things to get asked out…but no one seems to take that advice.)
- So guys, stop being obtuse. Take the plunge if you think you’re getting the signs.
Girls have to suffer through dates they don’t want to be on. Can you imagine spending your time with someone who is painfully dull? (granted, some people call that alone time…)
- So guys, have questions that will help you get to know them and stop talking about yourself. Read how to Win Friends and Influence People more and your last year’s birthday comments less.
Girls have to have a date paid for by a guy they will never want to see again.
- So guys, don’t take first dates to elaborate and expensive activities. It is awkward.
Girls have to reject guys.
- So guys, don’t take it personally. Know that it is okay when you are rejected. It doesn’t mean that you are terrible, but that it just isn’t going to work out. Be cool about it and maybe her mind will eventually change…but don’t count on it.

So in the end, I don’t really think it matters who it is harder for. (Why yes, that is a dangling preposition, thanks for noticing)

Each gender plays their own role in creating this very difficult thing we call dating. What that means is that we should all seek to be a little kinder and a touchmore understanding. We’re all in this dating boat together, so date selflessly.

Ask yourself if what you are doing is making dating harder for the other person and let’s stop worrying so much about ourselves. It is good to practice this selfless thing now anyway, for I have, on really good authority mind you, that this perspective of charity will make for a great marriage (Gordon B Hinckley, “The Women in Our Lives,” Oct General Conference 2004).

5 Ways to Combat One of the Biggest Reason for Singleness and Divorce: Confirmation Bias

by ZackMay 18, 2015May 18, 2015Break ups / DatesLeave a Comment

One of many many many many (and some may want to add one last “many”) many reasons why I am single is the social and behavioral psychology philosophy called confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias is when an individual will skew or interpret observed data to substantiate a preconceived notion. Thus, the data that is agreeance with the belief is exacerbated, embellished or just plain fabricated while that which is contrary is deemed erroneous, irrelevant or inaccurately identified.

And that, my dear children who haven’t been born, is why your mother and I aren’t married yet.

I can think of girls I’ve dated where it seemed everything was wrong–but I was smitten! It was almost as if she was TRYING to give me signs that we weren’t going to work out, but I couldn’t see them.

I was blind to signs. For example:
When she was unkind, I blamed it on a hard day.
When she was emotionally aloof, I knew it was just because of family issues.
When she was lying, I figured it was my fault for not being open enough.

And I gave her WAY too much credit. For example:
When she smiled, I took it as a sign that she was the happiest person (never mind the extreme mood swings).
When she texted, I felt her love bleeding through those emoji’s (never mind that she only texted back ½ the time).
When she answered her phone, I confirmed her ability to drop everything for me (never mind she was unemployed and only answered one in three times I called).

And yet I’ll drop girls where there isn’t that initial spark for the stupidest reasons!
I look at a girl who has her whole life together, but likes pictures straightened or over corrects an group project and assume that she is a crazy girl and super anal retentive and if I ever mess something up in the house when we are married she will flip a lid.

I look at a girl who is an observer and not a performer and assume that she is boring, reserved, a recluse and at our 50th anniversary, she will want to watch some movie on oculus rift and not talk with people and she’ll make me a hermit.

I look at a girl who is a friend and assume that it would be so weird to be anything but friends and I could never make a friend more than a friend.

You get where I’m coming from?

Well, let me tell you where I’m going with this.

STOP!

Yeah, let’s all just stop. Can we, please?

So many divorces and so many people remain single their entire lives because they look for the smallest insignificant reasons to confirm and ignore the biggest most important reasons to deny their own bias! (guilty)

Let’s take a step back and take an objective look at who we are and what we want/need. Let’s not cloud our judgement with “sparks”…because those embers will die as soon as the first rains of adversity come in that mirage of a marriage.

So what are you to do?
1. Take an inventory of your past relationships to see if you are guilty (oh, by the way, if you are single you are guilty).
2. Ask your best best best friend for advice as an objective third party to see if your heart is way too far ahead of your brain.
3. Reevaluate reasons you stopped dating people.
4. Reconsider reasons you never dated people.
5. Move forward with self-honesty and take notice of your confirmation bias.

As we do this, I’m confident that our dating lives and marriages will be more fun, less analytical and we can give people the benefit of the doubt–until they give reason enough to doubt the benefit.

Why I Only Hang Around Beautiful People

by ZackMay 3, 2015Love / Single3 Comments

I hope you aren’t the person offended by this post, but if you are, I sincerely apologize for the hurt caused, but not for the truth written.

I try to make it a habit to only be around beautiful people.
And before you judge me, know that you do too.

Because by beautiful, I don’t mean supermodel (although I’m not opposed, per se), but I mean beautiful souls. Usually, a common factor in all beautiful people is an ease when it comes to gratitude. Despite all they lack, there is a steady awareness of what that they do have. And it is that type of person who uplifts all around them. That is why we love being with them.

One of the biggest disparities between the beautiful and ‘not beautiful’ is in the singles ward.

While there are some of the most beautiful and positive people I have ever met, there are also people who have given up and can only see and speak about that which they don’t have.

We all have been that ugly person at times. When things have been super hard at times, I have been guilty of complaining about the people I’ve been out with, envious when my friends find their special person, bad talking exes and ranting on social media [insert ironic comment here].

But guess what?

That just perpetuates the ugliness!

We need to take a step back from the judging throne, recalibrate our cynical conversations, take an honest inventory of our topics and sincerely consider the state of our heart.

Bitterness never was prettiness.

No one wants to marry an ugly Ursula, aka negative Nancy.

The more bitter we are, the more negative energy we put out and the less people will want to be around us.

So am I saying that we aren’t allowed to talk about our trials and our hardships or that sever depression is just something that we choose to have? No! But we need to be beautiful–truly beautiful.

Let’s stop talking about how little we get asked out, how bored we are of first dates and how disenchanted we are with our life situation–and let’s start expressing gratitude for our agency to flirt, the lessons we are learning and the opportunities to grow! There are a lot of fish in the sea, so let’s not to be that really ugly one.

Let’s plant more than we dig up.

Let’s build more than we break.

Let’s be beautiful more than bitter.

What’s More Important: Love or Loyalty?

by ZackApril 28, 2015April 28, 2015Family / inspiration / Love2 Comments

“Did I make a mistake?”

This is the question that almost every single married person has asked themselves at some point (and something that single people ask themselves daily)

Death, bad choices, hurtful words, emotional funks, and irritations usually lead spouses to take a look at their relationship and wonder on….then, often, wander off.

So what keeps the other half of America from getting divorced?

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to spend a few hours in the van with 11 married men. Being the only single guy, everyone went around and gave me a piece of advice for life and marriage

While I undoubtedly will write about many of the things said, there is something that really stuck out to me–it centers around how marriages last.

The question of “successful” marriages came down to this: it is more about loyalty than love.

At the end of the ride, almost everyone in the van was in agreement: While love will get you married, it is loyalty that keeps you married.

As has been mentioned in previous posts, there is so much that changes after marriage, but it is that commitment to the marriage and to each other that will keep things together.

Even though there are difficulties and trials and the love will be there some days and irritation on others, if you have that loyalty to each other to stick it out, it can work

Now, there are obviously times when logic must triumph over both love and loyalty, but those cases are individual and should not be judged by any outside party.

But for those whose relationship doesn’t meet that logic level of lacking, when love is ebbing, fix firm on the resolve of loyalty…or so I’ve been told.

6 Words from a Dying Man that Changed My Perspective on Love

by ZackApril 15, 2015Family / inspiration / LDS Living / LoveLeave a Comment

holding hands

Death was slowly reaching out his shaky fingers toward my Great Uncle Paul.

This dear man, a silent example of charity, was nearing the end of his year-long, bed-ridden battle with a degenerative nerve disease in his home—a home he built with his own hands for his barely budding family ages earlier. His body was feeble, and his words were scarce. In fact, he would say maybe three or four sentences a day.

I tried to visit him and his sweet wife, Della Mae, as often as I could—always finding myself a better person when I left for just being around their fairytale-like love (some people just have that effect on others, I guess).

When I stopped by one day, almost a week before he passed away, I had a life-changing experience (completely unexpected, as most are).

Della Mae was busily tiding up the living room around Paul’s bed. Unassumingly, quietly, and deliberately, Paul raised his gentle hand a few inches from the sheets where it lay.

“Della Mae . . .” It was too quiet; she didn’t hear. He rattled out a raspy cough. “Della Mae . . .”

She turned and rushed to his side, eager to accomplish any need of her beloved spouse.

“Yes, Paul?” she cheerfully asked.

I assumed he wanted something to eat, or some medicine, or just have his pillow rearranged.

But what he said surprised me. And his words forever changed me.

READ THE REST AT LDSLiving.com,

Don’t Put Stock in Emotions on Dates

by ZackApril 12, 2015April 13, 2015Love / Single4 Comments

My friend and his fiancé were playing tennis.

They were about 2 weeks away from getting married and everything was going well.

But something changed on that court.

Maybe she wasn’t looking as good, maybe he was feeling a bit sick, maybe he just was feeling off. Whatever the reason, he all of a sudden…just didn’t feel it.

As a result, he almost broke off the entire thing.

Luckily, he didn’t, and now, 25 years later, he has a very happy and fulfilling marriage.

As he was telling me this story, I couldn’t help but think of what that means for me and how often I put so much stock in my CURRENT—moment-by-moment—emotions on a date that I don’t give things a chance.

See, if I feel ‘off’ about a date, I don’t ask them out again; if I feel ‘on,’ I do.

But whoa whoa whoa whoa! There are so many factors that go into how I feel at any given moment, only a portion of which have anything to do with the girl. My emotions might be completely out of both her control and mine when I arbitrarily decide to take my emotional temperature.

It isn’t about that moment as much as it is how things are trending over time.

There are plenty of emotional snapshots, or thin slices, that, when taken for what they are, look ‘off’ when they are, in the long run ‘on’ and, quite frankly, visa versa.

It is just likes stocks.

Take a look at these three stocks. Looking at this, would you say they are good or bad investments? (dollars per share is on the right and time is on the bottom in each chart)

They all look pretty bad in these snapshots. Well, do you know who they are?

Here is the whole picture, with the portion above highlighted.

fbook trend — And yes, my fellow Millennials, 3 is the opening STINK of our beloved Facebook.

Any stock can have a bad day.

These are all snapshots that make these stocks look like an awful investment, but if you look at the TRENDS, these moments are just bad examples of a positive trend.

Conversely, there are stocks like Enron, where it looks like it is heading up with great days and then crashes and dies (much like my third dates)…but that is perhaps for another time.

So what are you expecting me to do, Zack? Go in with a brazen blindfold over my heart and put on my accounting hat to calculate the positive investment potential of a relationship?!

No!

What I’m saying is that we go in with our minds and hearts open to the potential of love while giving the relationship a chance despite an ‘off’ day and not giving too much credit to an ‘on’ day.

What I’m saying is that we all need to do an honest inventory of how much stock we place in our emotions and I, for one, have realized that I’ve passed a lot of great trends because of a snapshot at the wrong time period.

What I’m saying is that we all need to take a step back and not stress so much just because it is one moment.

The ‘on or off’ calibration of human emotions is a highly inaccurate estimate in the moment, for a moment. From what I hear, even marriages have on days and off days, on weeks and off weeks, and yes, even on months and off months.

Because as my friend proved on that tennis court and as those snapshots of some of the most successful companies in the world metaphorically proves, if there is commitment AND love, chances are, you’ll bounce back.

And yes…this IS a post giving a shout out to the fact that this is my last week of MBA classes.