Zack – Page 8 – Bowl of Oates

4 Steps to UN-Friend-Zone Someone

by ZackApril 5, 2015April 5, 2015Dates / Friends1 Comment

Maybe they’re out of your league.

Maybe you are scared of rejection.

…or maybe everyone just assumes you’re gay.

Whatever the reason, you’ve taken a perfectly good dating prospect and friend-zoned them. You put the quarantine signs of “Radioactively Unavailable” in your yard and no amount of milk shake is going to bring the boys (or girls) back.

I recently received an email from a young lady who has spent so long friend-zoning every eligible male around her that she cannot help but come to the realization that yes, indeed, the cats of singlehood are scraping at her door.

She, thinking that me having a blog on dating means I know anything about dating, asked me what she should do.

So I looked at the times in my life and my close friends’ lives when they have been able to get out of the friend zone and put together 4 steps to un-friend-zone someone. There are 2 STOP’s and 2 START’s.

STOP talking about other relationships. I had a dear friend who was one of the most internally and externally attractive people on the face of this earth. We would always talk about each other’s interests until one day I told her that I was done talking about other relationships and thought that we should just have one ourselves. While it didn’t go over that well…at least I wasn’t wasting either of our times. Which brings me to my next point…
STOP pretending you will stay friends. Look, in 5 years you and that (un)special someone will either be married or not talking. It is possible on rare occasions to have friends after marriage of former interests because there is always an exception, I can safely say—you’re not it.
START believing you deserve more. You have to first believe that you CAN get them and deserve it. None of this self-pity. You deserve to be treated well and feel lucky.
START showing interest. Flirt, get them to ask you out (girls) or ask them out (boys), put in a movie and cuddle…or just, ya know…kiss them. Seriously. It works super well (sometimes for some people).

Now if they still don’t respond, remember the golden rule, either they aren’t interested or they are too dumb for you to have kids with…and nobody needs that.

So this is your friendly reminder to start and stop putting down the walls and let them in…milk shakes optional.

3 Things to Do When Your Interest Isn’t Interested in You

by ZackMarch 29, 2015March 30, 2015Dates2 Comments

A dear friend of mine, let’s call her, Lilac, was interested in this boy. After a few dates, she realized that she wasn’t interested and sent him a text letting him know. Not only was he incredibly rude, but bitter and childish, informing her that he was about as good as she could get and that she was a [insert non-BowlofOates-appropriate-word-here] for leading him on.

This kid is a real class act.

She texted me their conversation and suggested a post about it. I couldn’t agree more.

But estrogen-infused reader beware: THIS ADVICE IS FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN! I don’t want any women sitting back being like, ‘Yeah, ew. Why don’t boys do this?!’ Women need to put forth a little effort as well in letting the guy know they are interested.

So what do you do if they aren’t interested and you are?

Go for it. Yeah, you heard me. Win them over. Charm them with your personality. Dazzle them with your humour. Intrigue them with your mystery. (Just buying them something nice can work too)
Go with it. You put forth effort, now see how they respond. (If I hear of one more person NOT adhering to the three point rule, I think I’m going to scream.)
Go from it. Go from it a better person…REGARDLESS if they reciprocate or not.

Go from it with gratitude if they become interested.

Go from it with no malice if they stay uninterested. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends, but ONLY if you can handle it. Realize that just because they don’t like you doesn’t make them a bad person and it certainly doesn’t say ANYthing of your worth.

We’ve all had that one time that someone liked us and they were great and nice and fun…but we just weren’t into them?

Did that make them a bad person?

Did that make us satan’s spawn?

No! (not necessarily)

It is just part of dating.

And while it is a tough pill to swallow, it is true: dating NEVER works……….until it does.

So remember to give it a shot then be happy with the miss or the hit. Go for it, go with it then from from it…and I’m sure you’ll go far.

The STUPIDEST Reason I’ve ever Heard NOT to Dump Someone

by ZackMarch 23, 2015March 24, 2015Break ups / Single1 Comment

So I’ve got this friend…you might be her.

She is kind, beautiful and, until recently, I thought she was pretty smart.

But see, she is dating this complete dud. (no desire for school, no job, no motivation, no direction, not kind, immature, not a great family…granted, he does have big muscles, still).

I just can’t help but feel that she could do so so so so so so much better!

I pulled her aside one day and told her that I was going to shoot her strait about her bae one time and one time only.

Her: “Go ahead.”

Me: “No really…I’m going to tell you exactly how I feel.”

Her: “I’d like that.”

Me: “No you won’t.”

Her: “It’s okay, I trust your opinion.”

Me: “It isn’t a good one.”

Her: “I would assume not.”

Me: “…”

Her: “Well?”

Me: “Wait…why would you ‘assume not’?”

Her: “Because, I mean, he’s not really that good of a guy.”

[pregnant pause]

[confused stare]

Me: “THEN WHY ARE YOU DATING HIM?!”

Her: “Because I don’t have anyone else to date yet.”

BWAAAAAH?!?!!

This phenomenon is unfortunately not unique to my friend, and while it is predominantly found in women, some men, too, suffer from “Monkey Vine Syndrome,” as my roommate calls it.

Monkey Vine Syndrome derives its scientific name from a monkey not wanting to let go of one vine until they are sure there is another one to grab onto.

Fearful of falling from the lofty platitudes of a secure relationship, these skittish souls will only vacate their vine if there is no chance of a commitment-less conclusion on the jungle floor where the pernicious predators of [dun dun DUN] singleness prey on the innocent.

In the words of the king from the Jungle Book, “I’m tired of monkey-ing around!”

Don’t be afraid to drop dead weight and take the leap. You’ll be surprised how much higher you can go.

It is okay to be single.

It is okay to be by yourself.

It is okay to not have someone like you.

At times, when we are single is when we become grounded in who we are so we can get a clearer perspective to see the tree from the forest, or, in the case of my friend, an idiot from a great guy. Remember, just because you don’t have a ‘someone’ and you aren’t someone’s ‘someone’ doesn’t make you a ‘no one.’

Friends after Breakups…is it Possible?

by ZackMarch 15, 2015March 30, 2015Break upsLeave a Comment

It had been a week since we broke up. While I had initiated “THE” convo, it really was a pretty mutual event. But, ya know how it is…the feelings were pretty raw.

I missed her and she, apparently, was pretty hurt.

But I called her.

-ring, ring-

“Hello??” She sounded very irked.

“Hey you!” I cheerfully responded.

“What?” The pointed question was dripping with irritation.

I paused, thinking she was talking to someone else, then I realized that the one worded spear-tipped interrogation was laced with poison…intended for me.

“…oh…I, um, well, I just wanted to call and see how things are going and what you’re up to.”

“Okay well are you calling about my car?”

“Um, no? What do you mean?”

“Okay, well my car just broke down and my friend is coming to fix it.”

“Can I help?”

“Are we trying to date again?”

“Well…um, I just was calling to say hi and now I want to know if I can help out with your car.”

“[HUGE frustrated sigh] Zack, if you are trying to date me, fine. If you want to be my friend, I’m not interested. I have enough…and actually one is calling right now. Bye.”

-click-

We have never spoken again.

Now, while that seemed a bit abrupt at the time, I have since realized the selfishness of my ways and been grateful for her honesty.

Facebook’s feature of “People You May Know” seems to becoming more and more “Ex’s You Didn’t Know Unfriended You.”

I always prided myself on being friends with ex’s, until I did an honest inventory.

My conclusion: When the relationship has been real and sincere, friendship just isn’t hardly possible.

A pleasant politeness.

An appropriate appreciation.

Even a cordial Christianity.

But NOT a real relationship.

If it was a blithe bond, then don’t burn a barely belabored bridge because of a bodiless breakup; but if it was something sincerely substantial, then simple social statements will suffice.

And while the heart misses what once was lost, the mind will be grateful to open up to new possibilities.

So remember:

If you broke up, don’t selfishly sting with cupid’s broken arrows of yester-try.

If you got dumped, point your attention to another target.

The MOST Selfish and Stupid Reason to Break Up

by ZackMarch 8, 2015Break ups / Single3 Comments

“Zack,” it read, “do you have a few min to chat tonight?”

The text seemed to open a trap door of rocks into my stomach.

It was from the girl I was dating at the time.

She had been waffling over some doubts about her feelings for me, and while it had been frustrating, I loved her, so I was willing to see where things would go.

I tried to keep it casual.

“For you? How could I not???”

(I tried too hard. One question mark would have sufficed.)

My mind raced with all the things I’d rather be doing than getting dumped (eating bees, pouring salt in my eye, roll down a hill of porcupines…); but sadly, life isn’t always either/or.

When we met up that night she dropped this confusing line on me:

“I don’t think this is going to work out because I’m still unsure if I love you and I don’t want you to wait for me to decide. I don’t like that you are hurting.”

“Whoah, whoah, whoah…you are dumping me because you DON’T love me or because you aren’t sure IF you love me?”

She thought for a second. “Well…what do you mean?”

“Look, if you are dumping me because you know that you don’t love me or are tired of trying to figure it out, that is fine—but if you are dumping me because you don’t want to hurt me feelings IF you decide that you don’t love me, well, I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work. I’m a big boy and can make my own decisions. You are worth the risk to me.”

And so it is!

Discovering love is a risk—on both ends.

One must take the risk AND be the risk.

We all risk getting burned for the chance to have that fire of love ignite.

The dumbest reason to dump someone (aside from these 10), is because you are afraid of hurting their feelings.

Dump them because you don’t love/like them, not because you might not in the future.

See, the other person has complete agency and can make the decision of you being a worthwhile risk or not.

But be honest with them, of course.

Give them the data they need (your feelings) to calculate their risk tolerance for you based on how they feel, but never ever ever ever run away just because you don’t want to be the “bad guy” and hurt the other person if there is a chance that you won’t love them.

That is cowardly.

That is foolish.

That is a great way to stay single. (trust me…I’ve been on both ends of this advice and look at me now.)

Because guess what?

Dating never works…until it does.

And by then, there will be a battlefield of hearts a litany of scars…and that is okay. That is what we signed up for to avoid living out a life of cat-filled solitude.

So don’t take away the agency of another because of your fears.

Oh, and as for that girl and I?

Well…she saw my point…and then went on a mission.

But as I say, if I am going to be dumped for another man, I’m okay if that man is God.

Give Up Now—You Will NEVER Stay Married to the Same Person

by ZackMarch 1, 2015April 22, 2018Family / Love39 Comments

I have a dear active LDS friend. She married her high school sweetheart after waiting for him on his mission and dating him for two more years. They were married for five years…before he filed for divorce and left the church.

My parents got engaged five days after their first date. They are still married.

What…what?!

How does that happen?

I thought it was so important to know someone before you marry them and then everything works out?

Well…not quite.

See, after a few basic traits of ‘must haves’ and ‘can’t haves’ for the sake of compatibility, the person you marry is of little to no consequence.

Why?

Because they aren’t the person you will stay married to.

In a study done by a Harvard psychologist, Dr. Dan Gilbert, he interviewed thousands of individuals about personal change and concluded that “all of us are walking around with an illusion, an illusion that history, our personal history, has just come to an end, that we have just recently become the people that we were always meant to be and will be for the rest of our lives.” (Read the whole TED talk here) That is because it is easier to look back and see the changes that have happened than it is to look into the future and imagine inconceivable circumstances that will surely shape us.

That “illusion” that WE have already done most of our changing in life is as scientifically and rationally ridiculous as the “illusion” that we are marrying someone for the rest of our lives.

I, for one, have spent so much time trying to find ‘this specific type of girl,’ while completely ignoring the fact that she will be different in 5 years, 10 years, 50 years…and guess what…?

So will I.

And if marriage is a commitment, then, in effect, I have to choose to stay committed and married to a new person, as a new person, every day.

That choice is made by work.

Now what does some 29-year old single guy know about this? Not much. But what I do know is that my fear of marrying the wrong person is completely unfounded based on the fact that I will never marry one person.

TIME Magazine’s Theologian of the year in 2001 and longtime Duke professor Stanley Hauerwas said, “We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…leaning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married” (“Sex and Politics: Bertrand Russell and ‘Human Sexuality'” in the Christian Century, April 19, 1978, 417-22).

So what I’m saying is that my friend is to fault and my parents are to emulate?

Not at all. There are so many circumstances I can’t even pretend to understand about why one couple is together and the other isn’t.

What I’m saying is that we only have one choice…and that is to continually choose to be married to the same new person over and over.

And that, to me, is a lot less scary than I feared. (Actually, it sounds quite nice. Who knows…maybe I’m changing my mind on this whole ‘single for life’ thing; but then again, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?)

So after looking for compatibility, love and marriage is about finding someone who is committed to change with me as we constantly become new creatures in Christ. For in the seas of change, it is only on a sure foundation that we can anchor our relationships.

5 Reasons They Pulled the FADE on You

by ZackFebruary 22, 2015Break ups2 Comments

Things are going great with that special someone.

The first few dates have been fun, regular between texting, and during your last get together—I mean shoot, you even planned your next date.

Who knows, maybe you’ve even kissed.

Then…it happens.

Like a dandelion slowly floating away piece by piece…the inevitable demise becomes clear.

They start to become busier.

Texting back becomes more rare.

Voice message returns are non-existent. (plus, who leaves voice mails…honestly! What is this, like the 1700’s?)

The “next date” is canceled the day before.

Then…silence.

No breakup.

No talk.

No explanation.

Yes, my friend, you’ve just been faded.

You have nothing left but a seedless weed of a relationship. But hey…it could be worse. I mean, it could have worked out. But that is a post for another day.

And while you might think you are overanalyzing…

They might have their reasons.

You might be a bad kisser.

They might have found out about your dating blog.

You might be roommates with their ex.

They might have found someone else.

And while you might be heartbroken…

They might be over it.

But why do people pull the fade?

They don’t want to blow it out of proportion. It wasn’t a big deal. You weren’t official. Why make it something it never was?
It is too late. By the time they realized they weren’t interested, it had been too long and it would have been awkward to go back.
They are scared. They don’t want to face the potential frustration.
You are scary. Yeah. You just may be.
You are imagining it. They really are just super busy right now or maybe they are in the hospital and you just haven’t found out so you might as well hold onto hope and keep calling and texting them because then they will finally realize that you are amazing and fall in love with you and you should definitely over analyze it and talk about it with everyone that doesn’t ask but you imagine that they because the more you talk about it the better the situation gets. Yeah. That’s probably it. Let me know how that works out for you. #harshsarcasticreality

So reasons aside, what do you do it if you are getting the fade?

Let the Three Point Rule be your guide and move on. After all, if things are going to work out, it will be because THEY realize how much they miss you and not because you are trying to run around catching pieces of what once could have been.

Top 10 WORST Reasons to Break Up

by ZackFebruary 11, 2015February 11, 2015Break ups6 Comments

Valentines day always reminds me of…breaking up.

So in honor of a Friday the 13th right before the luckiest day of the year, we will count down your TOP TEN WORST REASONS TO BREAK UP!

10. The ol’ “it’s not me, it’s you not being perfect enough”routine.

9. “You’re too smart/dumb…and so am I.”

This is another good one on this topic.

8. “God told me…or like He’s telling me…right now”

7. “Pickings are too slim”

6. Something every Mormon will understand and something that NO Mormon should understand.

5. This one is pretty legit, but still I can’t believe that guys are THIS cheap!

4. “I like you too much to risk loving you…you know, because that makes sense.”

3. “You aren’t quite my muse.”

2. “Something just smells fishy about this…”

annnnnnd….

1. “Oh…yeah, I forgot about that one little detail.”

Your Faith vs. Your Crappy Life

by ZackFebruary 2, 2015February 2, 2015inspiration3 Comments

Every birthday, I will write what the previous 365 days have taught me. I posted my first 28 lessons yesterday and now…#29.

Elevate your faith above your circumstances.

This past year has taught me about the correlation (or lack thereof) between faith and circumstances.

Basically, coming to terms with your sure faith of a bright future and your seemingly crappy life.

I went from Hawaii to Ukraine.

I went from elated when I found out my brother’s wife was pregnant to depressed when my little cousin passed away.

I went from collapsing on the floor with chest pains to almost the healthiest I’ve been in my life.

But life is like that, I guess.

Good things happen.

Bad things happen.

Life happens.

Life is circumstantial…

But truth is not.

Truth is found somewhere floating right above the circumstances of life.

And there is where we can find faith. Constant. Strong. Eternal.

What is faith? It is a belief in something that is not seen, which is true.

That is the key to remaining true even when the circumstances of life are less or more than desirable.

Our faith must remain independent of our life circumstances.

Whether or not things work out in this life according to our wills, we must have faith that, if we are doing all we can, everything will work out according to God’s will—a will that is so much better than ours could ever be.

We will dream and struggle and fight and pray and believe that we will get somewhere…we may get there—or we may not. Now, don’t take this as permission to accept failure before you’ve exhausted your resources or as justification to give up on faith, but our faith must rise above the worldly ‘stuff’ of life.

But hey, don’t take my word for it. I mean, I really haven’t been through much, comparatively. Maybe you can read a word from Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” (Man’s Search for Meaning—best non-religious book in the world)

Because sometimes, life will turn out like Viktor Frankl, survived the Holocaust; and sometimes we will end up like one of the other 6 million Jews who tragically did not.

Sometimes life will be like Daniel, saved from the den of lions; and other times like Abinadi, martyred.

Sometimes life will be like the Children of Israel, saved by a parted Red Sea; and other times like the people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, slaughtered.

Sometimes life will be like Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, saved from flames; and other times like the believers in Alma 14, burned.

Sometimes life will be like my father, married with kids by 29; and other times like…well, like other people.

Sometimes life will work out; and other times not.

And that doesn’t mean that you are a good person if it works according to your plans or a bad person if it doesn’t.

Faith is truth and eternal.

Life is circumstance and temporary.

Faith saves.

Life happens.

So work as if you’ll get everywhere you’ll ever dream—then be grateful for where you end up, knowing it is where you need to be and only by taking the path to where you thought you were going, would you have ended up where you needed to be.

We choose our dreams, we choose how smart we work, we choose how hard we work and then…we choose to be happy with the destination…and that takes lofty faith, true faith.

28 Life Lessons by a Single Dude

by ZackFebruary 1, 2015February 1, 2015inspiration2 Comments

old man wisdom

Every year, on my birthday I contemplate on the life lessons from the previous 365 days. I have learned some amazing lessons this last and I am going to share my 29th one tomorrow. But now, I’ll give you my previous 28.

While this might not be amazingly insightful or new to you or old man on a park bench wise, these lessons have shaped everything that I am and everything I try to be.

….and I can’t wait to learn more!

Please share your big life lessons in the comments.

Follow the Spirit.
Go to bed every night knowing God a little better than the night before.
Never finish a prayer until you feel God’s love.
Study the scriptures to teach something daily.
Confidence is based on who you really are–nothing else.
Leadership is an organized opportunity to help the world and you grow.
Distill every institution, activity and program down to love.
One soul is a good enough reason.
If you don’t think you can change the world, then change someone’s world. Don’t underestimate the power of one–namely, you.
Keep your priorities focused on the eternal.
Serve until you love.
If you have to wonder if they can feel your love, express it.
Godly sorrow is knowing that Christ suffered because of you and not just for you.
There is ALWAYS a reason to rejoice.
Do what you say you will do, when you say you will do it…and try to do a little more.
If you feel stressed, stop. Think. What can you do to fix the problem? If there is nothing you can do, then pray. If there is something you can do, then do it. If you ever forget this rule, just go under the stars for 5 minutes.
Expectations for other should be to try; expectations for yourself should be perfect love.
Women bear children, men open doors.
Do what the best version of you would do.
There is a way to do things, and there is the way to get things done.
The proverbial “self” is not found or discovered–it is created.
Dream big and live smart, but don’t let others’ invented limitations dictate what constitutes “smart.”
Live life sincerely.
Keep your heart open to real love, for love liberates hope.
Seek business partners who display three attributes consistently: innovation, communication and dependability-ation.
Work smart, work hard and know that, in the end, success is given to you.
You are what’s worth it. And while you have a ways to go, you are doing better than you think. In a life filled with dreams broken by ‘just about’s and ‘almost’s and ‘sort of’s and ‘would have been’s…know that you, yes…even you–especially you, are worth being loved.
If you want to see the hand of God, Look. If you want to hear the voice of God, listen. If you want to feel the love of God, serve.
….coming tomorrow!