When I decided I would run the 26.2 miles, I couldn’t even jog for one mile without stopping. But, I decided that regardless of what was expected or how hard the inclines, I would finish the race.
However, whenever I start a significant event in my life, feelings of personal insignificance usually quickly follow.
Like when I was set apart as an elder.
Or when I received the first investment dollar into my company.
Or when I started my MBA.
Or when I proposed a few weeks ago.
Every one of those events didn’t change who I was but rather explained who I was and made me more committed to climb.
I realized that even though I had prepared for each of these steps, when they finally did come, I wasn’t ready. I had no sudden epiphanies or magical wand that transformed me into a member, an elder, a student, or a husband. I was still just . . . me. How was I ever supposed to measure up and succeed at tasks so above my head?
But isn’t that the way it goes? Isn’t that how God works?
As my MBA Professor Grant McQueen reminded me at our class convocation,
When God wanted an ark, He didn’t look for a boat builder.
When God wanted Goliath killed, He didn’t look for a giant slayer.
When God wanted the Church to settle in the West, He didn’t look for a frontiersman.
So when God wants an incredible life to be lived, He is looking at you.
Why do you think that Christ told Peter and Andrew, “I will make you fishers of men?” (Matthew 4:19) Because they were just men who fished before Christ.
Maybe you’re like me and often feel a sense of doubt about your abilities, but even Shakespeare decried such notions! “Our doubts are our traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing the attempt” (Measure for Measure, act 1, scene 4).
To read the conclusion of this article and my favorite Neal A. Maxwell quote, continue reading at LDSLiving.com.
I have a friend who liked the rock climbing type of guys. She loved their look and demeanor and so she always went rock climbing and told everyone it was one of her favorite things.
Well one day she met a rock climber who liked her back. They went rock climbing a ton together. It was like, “their thing.”
And guess what? They fell in love and got married.
Turns out though, rock climbing wasn’t exactly her favorite thing. In fact, she didn’t like to rock climb at all and after they got married, she refused to go. She misascribed her love of men to a love of the wall.
They stayed married, but it was a rocky start (*tehehe*).
Now…it is okay to have a type and to do things that your type would be at. Actually, I think that is a fantastic idea, BUUUUUUT, stay true.
It is critical to find someone who loves you for being you.
Not who you think you are.
Not who you hope you could be.
Not who you think someone else wants you to be.
Why trick someone into marrying NOT you?
Take inventory of your life and ask yourself this question, “If I completely started over with friends, town and even family, what would I do for fun?”
I have too many friends who are waiting to really be themselves until they get married. They hide porn addictions, Netflix binges, crappy eating habits, messy bedrooms, cursing issues and are generally falsely accommodating to get to where they think they need to be.
No one thinks you’re perfect and no one has interests that match up perfectly.
That is okay.
No, that is good!
But, please, let’s all just drop the act and (as I’ve said before) stop lying in dating. This isn’t a race to cross some fictional finish line of marriage, it is a journey to find someone who can take you…just as you are…and grow with you into something more than you might ever be alone.
Because sometimes, falling in love can be hard…especially when you find out you don’t have a belayer to help catch you.
My buddy invited me to go climbing with him. I had never been, but the concept seemed easy enough: get up a rock wall.
I had no clue what I was actually in for.
As we approached the cliff, I realized that he didn’t have any ropes!
It was at that moment that I learned what ‘free solo climbing’ was. I wish I would have asked sooner, but still, I was going to make it to the top of that ciff.
We started up a wedge that went up 25 feet…and it just got more challenging from there. I decided to try to find an easier route and in doing so, ended up trying to shimmy around an outcropping of rock.
Below me there was a 40 foot drop with jagged rocks. The part of the mountain that I was on had been baking in the sun all afternoon and was piping hot. The heat and the nerves got to me and I started to sweat.
I tried to shimmy faster, but–I slipped.
Then slipped again.
I was losing grip and panic started to set in.
Looking around me, I screamed–but no one heard me. I knew that either I would find a way to the top or I would fall to the bottom. With determined desperation, I saw a little plant, barely growing in a mountain crack. I slowly, carefully crawled my fingers up and grabbed on, which took just enough pressure off to stop me from slipping off and helped me find a good foothold.
I almost died–and would have, had I waited for someone to save me.
I had to act and believe it would work. As it is written in Endurance, the book about Shackleton’s unbelievable journey where he saved a doomed Antarctic polar exploration, “No matter what the odds, a man does not pin his last hope for survival on something and then expect that it will fail.”
I recently was talking to my roommate who is a master at being curious. He has such a ferocious hunger to become an expert at what he is doing that he stops at nothing until he gets there. He told me of someone who asked, ‘How does someone become as good as Mozart?’
The response he read sent a chill of truth to his core, ‘If you have to ask, you’ll never know.’
He was that good because he did what it took to become “Mozart.”
There is a certain amount of work required to get the results you desire, but from what I’ve seen of the most successful people, there comes a point where the paved road ends and the mountains begin. And real success is on the other side.
As Nikos Kazantzakis, a philosopher and author, said, “The Nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired, whatever we have not irrigated with our blood to such a degree that it becomes strong enough to stride across the somber threshold of nonexistence” (‘Report to Greco,’ p.434).
Yes, there are times that things will seem impossible. But we must realize that if we hit those walls of adversity, they will fall over and turn into ramps that will take us higher than we ever thought imaginable. The impossible will become the improbable misunderstood by everyone else.
No matter how hard the situation, how difficult the climb, how precarious the endeavor, there is always that one little plant to help you, if you will just reach out for it. “A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed a hopeless failure may turn into a glorious success…There is no defeat except within, no really insurmountable barrier save one’s own inherent weakness of purpose” (Quoted by Joseph B Wirthlin, “Never Give up,” LDS General Conference, Oct 1987).
So find your purpose! It will be the motivation to get you to make one last reach. As Dr. Viktor Frankl, a Jewish neurologist and psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz, said, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’” (Man’s Search for Meaning).
So don’t read this post and ask, ‘How do I become better?’
You know!
Within you is a better you. Find it. Be it.
No matter how many books tell you how to get to the top of the mountain, they won’t ever help you unless you want to. You must close your eyes, see the vision of what’s at the top and find your own way up.
Work for that girl. Find that boy. Get that job. Gain that testimony.
You (yes, you) have limitless potential and when you believe that, you can do what is needed to achieve it.
Our very first photo together the day after we met.
Two months ago, I was a single guy who just got back from an adventure lasting seven weeks–now I’m an engaged guy who is about to jump into another one lasting forever.
Yeah.
You read that right.
I’m engaged.
In analyzing the past two months from meeting Annie to proposing, I have often wondered, ‘Why, after 1,000+ dates, did I finally meet someone I with whom wanted to spend the rest of my life?’
I came to five realizations that may help you on your quest to either find what you’re looking for or to greater appreciate what you’ve found.
First: Choose Your Love
I blogged about this right when I got back from my globetrotting and truly mean it. The more you open your heart to love and serve, the more you fall in love. It is much more of a choice than I ever imagined. But even after you’re doing everything you can, a lot is just about timing. #MostFrustratingThingToTellASinglePerson #SorryButTrue
Second: Love Your Choice
Now there are things that I appreciate about previous people I’ve dated, but before, I was constantly looking for someone who bested the best at everything…a couple months ago, I started looking for someone with whom I got along really well and could love and work through whatever we were lacking, as a team.
Third: There isn’t Just One
This realization came only after understanding the first two a little more. I am so grateful that Annie said “Yes!” and I am so glad that previous relationships where I considered marriage didn’t work out…but if both parties in those previous relationships were both were committed, I could be in the place with someone else, and so could Annie. As a wonderful grandma taught me recently, you make your choice and then spend the rest of your life making it the right one.
Fourth: The List Matters
A few months ago, I created a list of must have’s and nice to have’s. I even wrote about that experience. From making a list I learned that everything that I want, Annie has! Previously I had always looked for “something better,” regardless of how good things were, because I was scared. I was scared that there would be something else that would come up on the imaginary list that I hadn’t anticipated and everything would be ruined. With an actual list, it made things much more clear in my mind.
Fifth: I have No Clue
First of all, I know no more about dating or relationships than I did a few months ago, and quite frankly, I think I might know less. See, I spent years writing this dating blog, supposedly about how to get married. But, when it came to the steps leading up to the proposal, I did everything wrong. I mean I didn’t follow any of my advice.
I kissed her the first day we met
I hung out with her every single day after that
I invited her to a family reunion 4 days after we met
I didn’t date other people when she left to Thailand and China
I made my intentions clear on dating her before she got back
I even proposed without talking to her about marriage
Basically, what I learned from all of this is something my mother has told me for years: follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind.
Do what you know is right, when you feel it is right, but if you feel to make a positive deviation, get over your pride and do it. Because while there is wisdom in experience, your heart full of love is always better than than a head full of yourself.
Oh, and what is to become of this here blog?
Well, it is going to stay around.
After all, I’ve just proven that everything I’ve thought about the dating “rules” might be wrong. I have some correcting I need to do.
The details are not important, but I was treated so rudely by a potential business partner that I was left in shock. I had never had someone be so inconsiderate to me before.
But since I only allow myself 10 hours a year to feel frustrated, and it was only March at the time, I didn’t want to waste my frustration too early.
I tried to blow off some steam.
I went for a run in the desert, but it didn’t help.
I called my mother and it just got me more worked up.
I went to the temple, but didn’t have the right attitude.
As I was sitting in my kitchen looking for something to make me happy (realizing that I had already eaten up half of my year’s frustration time, which only made me more frustrated), I started eating some Goldfish. I started to think about how I loved Goldfish and that they are, indeed, “so delicious.” Then, I remembered hearing a sentiment described in the book Flourish, where Martin Seligman recommends all readers try an experiment: “Find one wholly unexpected kind thing to do tomorrow and just do it. Notice what happens to your mood.”
So I did just that.
I called the 1-800 number on the Goldfish box and told the lady who answered that I had a comment I wanted to make. I could feel her eyes squinting on the other end of the phone, ready for a deluge of disapproval.
“I just want to say thank you for such a great product. I seriously love your Goldfish!”
[silence] “Um…Oh, okay…well thank you for saying so.”
“Yeah,” I responded. I hadn’t really thought through what else I would say past that point.
“Well,” the woman answered much more cheerfully, “what is your address and I’ll send you some coupons to get a free box of Goldfish!”
And while of course I was excited for free Goldfish, I honest to goodness felt so, so, so much better after saying something nice in an unexpected way.
Truly, when we do something nice with no thought of reward, we can improve our hearts. And, because God is so giving and so good, we’ll often find we still receive blessings in turn—like free Goldfish.
To read the conclusion of this article, check out LDSLiving.com.
I have a friend who was dating this guy for a couple of years. He was ready to pull the trigger, kill his single life and propose, but she couldn’t get herself there. She always felt like something within was holding her back and trapping her heart.
So she tried to get herself out of her own prison.
She went to therapy to improve, but was discouraged.
She read books about how to be exclusive, but had eyes for others.
She prayed to get over her fears, but it was still scary.
Nothing worked.
Then…she finally dumped him.
She fed him the line, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ garbage and she honestly believed it.
He told her that she had crazy phobia of commitment.
BUT…
Two weeks later she met a guy, a month later she was engaged and a few months later she was married.
She felt free. Turns out, she was trying to escape the wrong prison the whole time.
Now look, a lot of you are going to read that story and think that you are great and don’t need to change and you just haven’t met the right one.
Chances are, you do need some fixing.
But when you meet someone who could be the right person, you want to change and be “fixed” to make yourself a better you (NOTE: not just a ‘better person,’ but the ‘better you.’).
When you meet someone you want to be with, guess what…? YOU WANT TO BE WITH THEM!
Improving is encouraging, not a bummer.
Not dating other people is a relief, not a sacrifice.
Long-term talks are exciting, not scary.
So if you are in a relationship and have worked at improving and getting over your fears and aren’t sure why you are still feeling uneasy, try to walk away. It might give you the perspective to help you understand the source of your fear.
Because if you don’t want to be with someone and are fearful about the relationship, maybe it isn’t you, but them for you.
With a spouse, I don’t want someone to be the wind beneath my wings (nor vice versa), but rather, I want someone to fly with me. That sounds nice, but what does that actually mean, on a human day-to-day level?
To help me answer that, I came up with 4 steps to make a list of what attributes I want in my future spouse.
BUT before we get into making a list, there are two stories that are absolutely critical to read.
STORY 1
I have a friend who was dating this guy.
She really liked him, but couldn’t quite figure out if it was worth going to the next level, so she wrote out a list of pro’s and con’s. There were some really good things about him, but just some stuff that bugged her too.
‘If only he could change these things,’ she thought.
Then, she took the list to the Lord in prayer to find out what else she might be missing. She felt prompted to open up her scriptures to a random verse and what she read hit her right between the eyes.
“Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?…Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).
Bam. #GodSlap
STORY 2
I recently had my buddy write out all of the things he wanted in a wife. After reciting a long list, I read it back to him and he nodded in agreement.
Then I asked him if that list described him.
He didn’t even need to think about it.
The answer was no.
The 4 Steps:
You might be like me, when, after reading these stories, could give a tisk*tisk finger wag and think of a few friends who should read this post.
But I would encourage you to fight against the urge of thinking of others and take a fresh batch of humble pie to realize that so often in life, we underestimate others while overestimating ourselves. We find the fallible in others and excuse the errors in ourselves by feigning good intentions without giving the benefit of the doubt to others.
Is it wrong to make a list? NO!
But make sure you include all these steps:
Think of the people you wish you could have married/dated and think about what you respected most about them. Write it down.
Think of your ex’s and why you broke up. Write down the opposite.
Choose ONLY 5 must-have’s and 5 nice-to-have’s. Put the others aside for review later.
Make those attributes your personal goals.
So today, make a list and check it twice…but make sure the second time is for yourself.
For remember, you don’t attract a swan by looking like a duck.
Janice pictured here metaphorically thinking of the sweet dating options in her life.
I don’t often do guest posts, but if you met Janice, you would be fascinated with what she thinks as well. While we’ve covered a dating post about not being defined by being divorced after dating (guest post by Jordan Moss), the 7 D’s of dating after divorce and how to avoid divorce through adventure and confirmation bias…this takes on the angle of FEAR of dating and how to combat such a frightening fight. I hope you will find perspective or peace from her writing.
[enter Janice]
Let me just start by saying that I hate dating, with a passion. It’s akin to eating your greens as a child or exercising as an aging adult—necessary but dreadful. But it is just that, necessary.
Hi, I’m Janice and I’m a recently divorced 20- something year old. Divorce is terrible; I wouldn’t wish it on my arch nemesis. Marriage is lovely, on the other hand, and you should totally try it sometime, just be real sure you and your someone are in it to win it. Turns out my someone wasn’t remotely in it to win it, but that’s not what this post is about—this is about dating after D-Day.
If you’re anything like me, which I’m going to assume you are, the thought of dating also makes you want to vomit. This is no exaggeration, post-divorce dating gives me anxiety—bad anxiety. I’m talking cold sweats, shaking, uncomfortable in my skin, super nervous to the point of regretting eating anything hours prior. There are a million reasons why I get anxious, but that’s not the important part, the important part of this post is how we can get over it.
The only way to get over the fear of dating is…
You’re not going to like this answer.
Are you ready for it?
The only way to get over the fear of dating is to date.
Ugh. I know right?! I remember coming to this realization with my therapist some months after D-Day and trying in vain to negotiate some other solution, but here’s how he put it to me:
You have an internal smoke detector; it’s that part of you that gets uncomfortable in a bad situation. It starts pinging when someone’s acting suspicious, or maybe lying to you. It’s that voice in the back of your head that says “Maybe you shouldn’t be here…” when you are chilling with your way shady friends on a Wednesday afternoon and you enter a dingy club through a back ally after someone whispered the passcode to a giant bouncer with some gnarly looking teeth and a forehead tattoo (not like that has ever happened to me).
Anyways, that smoke detector used to be spot on and you relied on it daily to keep you safe and protected.
Then one day, out of nowhere, a huge, raging and completely unexpected fire broke out and your smoke alarm went off.
Since then, your smoke alarm has been broken. It’s been chirping and going off like it needs a battery replacement at 3 AM on a Monday. Someone looks at you and smiles, it chirps. Someone sweetly puts their hand on your back, it chirps. Someone asks you on a date, it chirps.
And every time it chirps, you freak! I mean it’s going off, there must be something wrong and you should probably run. But alas, this is not the case; your smoke alarm just needs a hard reset.
It’s tough realizing that you can’t trust that part of yourself anymore, and I know you want to! So let’s work on this together. You need to retrain your detector into recognizing what is and what is not a potential threat. You need to help yourself see that not all guys are bad and out to completely obliterate your heart. Good guys do exist. (The same can be said to guys about girls)
Learn about them; be aware of how you feel around them. Compare how you feel with one date verses the next, learn how to feel again. Learn how to trust yourself and those feelings. Trust me when I say I know this is hard, I am right there with you. But we need to get our smoke alarms back to a reliable and functional place because it is only then that we will be able to find love after D-Day.
At the start of this year, I got tired of not being able to see the world. So, as some of you may know, I’ve been traveling a lot lately.
When I share this with my married friends, they usually say, “Get that all out of your system now, because when you’re married . . .”
Then they trail off into an assumed negative statement of common knowledge about how marriage means that life isn’t fun or something. (I’m not sure because no one ever finishes that sentence.)
Sure, it becomes more expensive and more difficult (especially with kids). But does excitement have to be drained out of a relationship because of family?
In pondering over that question, I realized one of my biggest fears about marriage is that life will become audaciously ordinary, banal—dull.
Of the couples I have observed, there are very few marriages which look enjoyable to me. (Now admittedly, the couples in those relationships may be perfectly content; it just doesn’t seem like it would work for me.)
Not great odds. But determined to beat the odds, I started to consider the commonalities between the marriages I admired.
There were two factors I’ve noticed in marriages I admire:
1. They have respect for each other. They are friends.
2. They work for adventure. Not that they spend thousands of dollars a month traveling, but they share new experiences with each other.
To read the conclusion of this post, go to LDSLiving.com.
This post is meant to be a collection of my personal views and while I do not represent any party’s views, I don’t want others to misrepresent mine.
After I posted what I thought to be a hopeful prayer about the protection of religious liberties on social media, I found myself bombarded by a ton of people who felt similarly, a few people who seemed to be fairly agitated and a couple that were just straight up rude. No matter who you are, I invite you to read and respond.
THOUGHT ONE: It is okay to disagree.
Let me be straight—I still believe that acting on homosexual desires is morally wrong.
And it will take more than 5 old people’s opinion to change that fact. A LOT more.
(I ALSO feel that persecuting or alienating those because of their beliefs, either in agreeance with or in opposition to, is wrong as well.)
Before the ruling on gay marriage, I agreed with hospital visitation, fair housing, equal employment and civil unions for gay couples.
I was against gay marriage for a simple reason: the laws of this country are a reflection of the morals of its people (me and you); and since I had the right to raise my voice, I had the obligation to do so.
Now gay marriage is legal. Case closed. No one cares that anyone fought against it and I support this government (seeing as this ruling is not currently affecting my personal and religious rights).
But keep in mind, though, that John Adams said, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” (The Works of John Adams, ed. C. F. Adams, Boston: Little, Brown Co., 1851, 4:31).
I have no obligation to believe that gay marriage is right. In fact, even in the majority opinion on gay marriage, Justice Anthony Kennedy said, “It must be emphasized that religions, and those who adhere to religious doctrines, may continue to advocate with utmost, sincere conviction that, by divine precepts, same-sex marriage should not be condoned.” (read more excerpts from the opinion here)
I still feel that gay marriage is wrong.
And guess what?
That’s okay.
And…it’s also okay to disagree with me.
There are a lot of things that are legal, socially acceptable and practiced by most of my friends with which I do not agree: Drinking alcohol, smoking, pre-marital sex, gambling, and even drinking coffee and tea. Not to mention the fact that I have friends who don’t agree with things like hottub videos in bathing suits and dating blogs. But I am still a contributing member of society who walk amongst those who completely disagree with me and we all get along just fine.
THOUGHT TWO: Love is paramountly important.
Part of having different values than others is accepting that…wait for it…others have different values than you. #mindblown
I don’t feel that people who get lattés at Starbucks are bad people and I hope they don’t think I’m a self-righteous bigot for getting my caramel apple cider. We may order differently, but we can still have a conversation at the same bougy table.
I appreciate that we live in a country where I retain the rights to verbalize, stand by and act on my beliefs. Unfortunately, there are some, on both sides of this discussion who pitifully throw themselves on the alter of martyrdom exclaiming that an expression of beliefs is akin to some kind of an -ism, which must be ridiculed, relinquished and regulated.
So Mormons, stop being so homophobic. Let people take their journey and accept when it is not the same as yours. Accept all with open arms. As one of my friends said, ‘God will care a lot more about how you loved those around you as opposed to how vociferously you fought against gay marriage.’
As Neal A Maxwell said, “If the challenge of the secular church becomes very real [‘check!’], let us, as in all other human relationships, be principled but pleasant. Let us be perceptive without being pompous. Let us have integrity and not write checks with our tongues which our conduct cannot cash.” (“Meeting the Challenges of Today,” BYU Speeches, Oct 10, 1978)
And to those who disagree with Mormons: an opinion founded in religion is just as justified as one founded in non-religion. There is no place for religious intolerance. To belittle, persecute or demean a person because of what they believe goes against the principles that you supposedly are fighting to defend.
#cantwealljustgetalong
THOUGHT THREE: Religious rights must be protected.
I will never change my views on God’s morals. (period)
While I don’t feel my rights being violated right now, I do feel a societal trend of being pushed out for speaking out against gay marriage.
For any questions of why I feel my religious liberties are in jeopardy, watch this clip of a leader of the LDS church, Dallin H Oaks explain perfectly with words what is in my mind (I’ve marked it to only the relevant part. The video will stop automatically at 13:05):
Note that he is not talking about a fearful future, but rather stating facts that have already happened. The assault on religion isn’t a ‘hide your wife hide your kids’ fear mongering type thing, this is starting to happen and it must stop.
Even in his dissent on gay marriage, Justice Clarence Thomas, after citing cases that have already occurred, waxes philosophical when he said, “The majority’s decision threatens the religious liberty our Nation has long sought to protect….It appears all but inevitable that the two [government and religion] will come into conflict, particularly as individuals and churches are confronted with demands to participate in and endorse civil marriages between same-sex couples.” He then emphasises again that the majority’s decision has “potentially ruinous consequences for religious liberty.” (read more form on this here or the entire ruling here)
So is there a successful ending?
If my rights are not affected and, just as with many other socially acceptable yet religiously prohibited practices, our ability to co-exist despite conflicting beliefs rises above their potential downfall, then there will be a party with a legalized pot of happiness at the end of that proud rainbow island (from which I will abstain; but I will bring the Jello). So let’s work together to get there–because I, too, want to know where the gold at. (click at your own risk)
As this country continues down the road where, doubtless, many laws of the land will come into conflict with religious morals, know that I will stand my ground with fellow believers full of “power and love and a sound mind” (2Timothy 1:7)—for man’s loudest shouts cannot alter what God has whispered to my soul.
